another my story iamcanadian: My story is pretty much the same as everyone else's. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have three children and in January I found suspicious text messages on his cell phone. We had a huge fight, the police were called (by him as I refused to give him the cell phone) They escorted him away for a cooling down period. Three days later I was served with notice that we were going to lose the house as he hadn't been paying the mortgage (gambling and a whole nother story). I was furious. Even now I am not sure which infuriates me more, the text messages, or the house almost being lost. I could handle I guess some gambling but with another female was unforgivable. He spent the next month telling me I was crazy to suspect him of cheating and that his problems were solely gambling. As he waged his "wasn't me" campaign I managed to get a loan to pay off the mortgage that he hadn't paid in 4 months and all the fees associated with that. I paid more in fees than I did the actual mortgage. He did nothing about the house except say "You kicked me out"
I did start to believe him that perhaps I was mistaken about the text messages. I was in a very stressful position. I begged him to take this time to get himself in order and I would do the same. He promised he would no longer talk to this female since it was causing such stress in our life. We were supposed to be "finding ourselves" A month later I grew suspicious again. Phone bills showing that they talked EVERYDAY for hours. I decided not to confront him as I knew he would deny that they were anything than just friends. I went to her husband. I asked him if this was possible. Are they having an affair? He was shocked as well and said that things were not going well in their marriage either.
No confirmation from him and he promised that he would let me know either way. Then came the calls. I was wrecking her marriage. I was crazy and a stalker and all that type of thing. The husband never called me back at that time btw. He let his wife do all the denying to me and my husband did the denying. The OW told me what I did was unforgivable and could have cost her to lose her family. I actually kind of felt bad and thought well maybe there is nothing there. However it appears woman's intuition is alive and well after all.
Last Friday he confessed. He confessed to starting an affair with her 2 months ago. Of course he is saying he was never unfaithful to me. Never mind the fact that we are taking this space to work on our problems. Now the blame started... I drove him to it. I kicked him out. What was he supposed to do? So here I am actually devastated but giving him a little bit of credit for coming clean and then I get a phone call from the OW's husband. He taped them and had them followed and had more than enough proof. They were plotting on how to get him to leave the house so that they could begin to play house, I guess. He had confronted her and all hell broke lose. That is why my husband confessed. For no other reason or loyalty to me. He just knew I would hear about it soon enough. So much for respecting the mother of your children.
He has given me no financial support for the house or the children. No support at any time when I think on it.
Now I am at the shock and bitterness stage. I want to show the OW all the emails from him and messages saying I love you etc. I want to show her the receipts I have with him buying online porn with her credit card. I want to warn her. However maybe my intentions are not so noble towards her? I can accept that it is over but for my own personal gratification I do not want him with her. Anyone but her. He actually talks about how we can make this easy (with him and her coming to get the kids for visits along with her brood of 4 kids) The lives that they have torn apart and how they ignore that for their love astounds me and I am actually a pretty cynical person about people.
Her husband has served her with divorce papers as of yesterday and asking for her immediate removal from the home and custody of the four children. The drama is huge and I feel a sense of satisfaction that she is going through this and then I feel immense guilt for feeling happy about her problems. She isn't the problem, my husband is. I shouldn't wish this on another female. Of course, my husband is now being her champion in the horrible acts committed upon her by her husband. We are a secondary thought now. His family is pushed to the side. He is going to save her.
Re: another my story iamcanadian: my story continued!!
This whole thing really sucks and I have no trust for anyone at this point. I feel I wasted so many years on him and for that alone I cannot forgive him. He has selfishly divided our family for his own goals and pleasures and all the while "Tis your fault" "You mad me" "You drove me to it" Always my fault. One would think if I had really had such control over him in the first place that he would be as I speak, sitting here cleaning my floors.
The bitterness is overwhelming, the hatred is overwhelming. The tears are overwhelming. I really do not know what to do. I know what I am supposed to do, but I still can't understand why he did this the way he did. There were so many ways he could have done this. Just two examples from the top of my head:
Back in January: "Hey I am not in love with you and I want to be with someone else"
Last year: "I am not feeling very happy in this marriage perhaps we should go talk to someone"
I am also wondering about myself. My problem was that I thought he wouldn't leave me. I thought we could work out the little problems. I never thought he would seek out someone else until all our efforts were exhausted.
Now I have to play nice. I have to be the nice one since I have the kids. Otherwise I am a bitter ex wife. "For the kids" "For the kids" I am told. I need to be nice about the whole thing, accepting. I do not accept this. I actually feel that if I condone this type of action, what message am I exactly sending to my children? I am telling them "Hey go ahead and betray those you love" I have to sit back and watch him ignore our children as he saves her from the reality that is court.
Then there is the real truth. What comes around goes around. He was separated from his first wife when we got together. I was young, I didn't question his marriage failures. I believed him, it was HER fault. I didn't care I guess. I was in love. Now here I am in her shoes. I have written her a long long letter of apology. I shouldn't have gotten involved with a separated man. I should have let him work it out with her. Likely he wouldn't have but still. Hindsight is a beauty isn't it?
I think I have written a novel here. I am numbed by the whole thing and I blame him. Totally. I am almost a martyr in my mind now. Which I realize isn't accurate. However no matter how I weigh the sides, what he did was far more reprehensible then what I did or what he says I did.
and now....what do I do now?
Re: another my story Feel: I will finish reading your story soon, but in regards to your kids and no support for anything, maybe you should seek a lawyer. as well him having a gambling problem, that will help you with full custody!
I'll get back to you!
Re: another my story CDNgurl: [quote author=iamcanadian link=topic=33596.msg347965#msg347965 date=1156431545">
I do not accept this. I actually feel that if I condone this type of action, what message am I exactly sending to my children? I am telling them "Hey go ahead and betray those you love"
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You can be civil without condoning these actions. When your children ask questions (and they will!), you can always tell the truth at levels they can understand. "I wish things could have been different" "This isn't what mommy wanted, but sometimes you can't control things" ... and most important "Mommy and Daddy really love you and none of this is your fault" (This is the MOST important message)
I am hugely impressed that you wrote that letter of apology. You can't change the past, but you can make good choices NOW. I don' t believe you can be "punished" if your intentions were pure and you knew no different.. only you know your own truth.
What can you do now?? Contact the family responsibility office and get the child support motion in order. Get your ducks in a row... it sounds like all hell is going to break loose.
Good luck... we are here for you!
HUGS!!!
Re: another my story iamcanadian: [quote author=Feel link=topic=33596.msg347984#msg347984 date=1156432698">
I will finish reading your story soon, but in regards to your kids and no support for anything, maybe you should seek a lawyer. as well him having a gambling problem, that will help you with full custody!
I'll get back to you!
[/quote">
Yeah thanks for the PMs! I am slowly starting that. He is adamant that we wants joint custody. I am not entirely opposed to that however he can be very agumentative and he isn't really one to change his mind on things. He has barely seen them in the last 8 months. My fault of course! I wonder if they realize how you tend to tune out after awhile how everything is "YOUR FAULT" Of course he has generously offered that if I give him 20,000 he will let me have the house. Then 10 minutes later he talks about not wanting to "shut the door"
I am fed up with his games. But I am still hurt. That is the main feeling I have.
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