Facing it. jadedangel: [color=navy"> Dear C --
You know .... You've become my default. You were always the one that I could say anything and everything to .... and even with you not listening ... I still need that of sorts --- for things that I am still finishing. You are gone. I have no qualms with that anymore. It hurts ... but, I no longer fight that reality. Every once in a while .. the knowing 'what could of been' .. catches up ... I stop still in my life, I lose my breath and then bring myself back to a reality that has nothing to do with you. And I can admit finally ... it's not all bad --- there are things I have .. I would never of known without you leaving. But --- there still is that sweeping moment.
You were my everything .. and when I lost that ... I lost so much of myself. I left it with you. Now --- 1.5 years later ....I'm not that girl anymore. I'm a lil nuttier .... a lil scarier .... and a lot more lost. But --- I'm finally facing it. I'm talking again .... I'm wanting again --- I'm hoping again. You have no idea how long it took me to find that. The one person I trusted in this world .. to know and to care about that--- didn't. I was wrong and that is a harsh slap to the face. ...
...So here I am ... I'm still facing it. I have to let my family truly know ... how gone it is. They know --- we have been 'on different terms' ... that we are not what we were ... but, they have this tiny bit of hope that after school ... things were going to fix. That has been the attitude for so long ... because I let it be. Now -- I have to say it out loud .. to the people I care about the most. You are gone. You are never coming back. They truly will never know you again. I can't say I will.
My mom .... I think mostly knows .... but, she liked you and I think she was hoping for me. My sister, T --- she will tell me again ... "oh that sucks" ... truly supportive right? ;) She doesn't get it .... I'll never forget the day she said to me ... 'now you are going to marry this kid right?' --- course I am ...... Foolish me. The one that is breaking my heart though .. How do you tell an 8 year old boy there is no more "Uncle C--"? God damn .... he lived with us for two of the years you were there --- he grew up knowing you as the only male person in his life ... and he loved you unconditionally ... He plays soccer now because of you ... he has those stupid books you gave him .. I always get to read to him .... the list goes on. So .. when I see him after getting off the plane .... How do I reply to his question of .. "Where's Uncle C?" ..... I know I'll get it --- I always do. I always brush it off with ... he'll come next time. But --- you won't. I still cannot fathom how I am going to tell him that. I can longer lie to him ... because I can no longer lie to myself. It's sort of in the series of steps to ... 'getting over you' ....
It's all just been a lingering thought the past week or so .... but today --- it really has hit me. I really have to face this. I don't want to. I do much better with the --- 'lets pretend it's not happening' mode .... Well it happened. Thanks. Thanks for giving up. Thanks for leaving this for me. Thanks for it all.[/color">
