Testing human strength... brokenbaby: Life in my world has been spinning since November 30th of last year. That was the day my husband walked out the door, leaving me alone after 11 years with the house, seven pets and three dollars.
A month later I found this site and realized simultaniously that I was not alone and that it was for real. He wasn't coming back.
In March my mom's best friend, who I knew as my 'other mom' died from breast cancer. I couldn't figure out how to grieve the loss of my marriage, the life I once had, the woman I once was and the death of someone so close all at once.
It was a couple months later when my favorite professor, my mentor and really good friend shot himself that I realized somehow I pushed grieving her death aside and it was all just building up. I wished at the moment of the news of his death that it was me and not him. It was the folks here who kicked me into gear and pulled me out of the cloud of depression.
This past Tuesday my father was rushed to the hospital with kidney failure. He was severly dehydrated and his blood pressure incredibly low. They were talking dialysis, they said death. I almost collapsed. No. This isn't real. It can't be happening. But, he is still in the hospital. Showing slight improvement. I've spent many hours just sitting with him, and the rest of the time researching IgA Nephropathy. I am of course a daddy's girl and he is just too damned young. We are in the 'hurry up and wait' stage. And it sucks.
I got so angry at my ex because he had promised to always be there for me. He never was while we were married so I don't know why it angered me so now. Then I realized that his presence didn't matter. The only person I needed to get through this was myself. If I can't hold myself up, how will I ever be able to fully love and support someone else? Besides I have a really good support system surrounding me. Or so I thought. My closest friends disappeared at the sign of crisis. One friend I've known for years is the only one who stayed. I have to drive an hour to see her. But I know she is a true friend.
The people from this board though. All of which are even further away. Have been so supportive. Through all of this and especially now. I have to say thanks to all of you.
If I've learned anything over the past nine months, it's that we are stronger then we ever thought we could be. All of us. That if we can get through divorce we can accomplish anything. And that it is okay to reach out for help. It's okay to talk about it. I used to have a tendency to hide when I was hurting or scared. Like a turtle, I'd retreat to my shell and hide in my house. I've learned that it hurts more to hide.
I'm telling you this whole story, not for sympathy but to really say how much I appreciate the help and hugs, laughter and tears I've shared here. And to say that we really can handle way more than we think.
I hope that I can give back to all of you what you've given to me. We have a unique relationship here. I'm glad I found it.
~BB
Re: Testing human strength... guest233: Very well put. I hope I can give back too.
Re: Testing human strength... Wherezmygun: FB
I am so very sorry for all that has happend and that is happening to you these past 9 months. Your a unbeliveabley strong person to have been thru all this and have not throwen in the towel yet. Stay strong! for not only you but for you child, and your family that needs you in this time of pain. they will need your Strength, your careing heart to help them thru this time. I wish you and your family the best, my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
Re: Testing human strength... sadconfused4: You are so much stronger than you even know. You have made it this far....made it through so much...and one day....although still a part of you....all of this saddness will make sense. I believe that.
I posted this a couple of days ago, but I thought it might help you....if you believe in turning to a higher power.....
Be well.
_______________________________
A Prayer of Surrender
Why get agitated? Let me take care of all your problems. I shall be the One who will think about them. I am waiting for nothing else than your surrender to Me. I intervene only when you know how to completely surrender to Me, and then you do not have to worry any more about anything. Say farewell to all fears and discouragement. You demonstrate that you do not trust Me. On the contrary, you must rely blindly on Me.
To surrender means to turn your thoughts away from troubles, to turn them away from the difficulties you encounter and from all your problems. Leave everything into My hands, saying, “Lord, Thy Will be done; Thou think of it.” That is to say, “ Lord, I thank You, for You have taken everything in Your hands, and You will resolve this for my highest good.”
Remember that thinking of the consequences of a thing is contrary to surrender. That is to say, when you worry that a situation has not had the desired outcome, you thus demonstrate that you don’t believe in My love for you. You will prove that you don’t consider your life to be under My control and that nothing escapes Me.
Never think, “How is this going to end? What is going to happen?” If you give in to this temptation, you demonstrate that you don’t trust Me. Do you want Me to deal with it, yes of no? Then you must stop being anxious about it! I shall guide you only if you completely surrender to Me. When I must lead you into a different path than the one that you expect, I carry you in My arms.
What seriously upsets you is your reasoning, your worrying, your obsession, your will to provide for yourself at any price. I can do so many things when the being, as much in his material necessities as in his spiritual ones, turns to Me saying, “You think of it.” Then he closes his eyes and rests quietly. You will receive a lot, but only when your prayer will rely fully upon me. You pray to Me when in pain so that I intervene, but in the way you desire it. You do not rely on Me, but you want Me to adjust to your requests.
Don’t behave like sick ones who ask a treatment from a doctor, all the time suggesting it to him. Do not do that, but rather, even in sad circumstances say, “Lord I praise and thank You for this problem, for this necessity. I pray You to arrange things as You please for this terrestrial and temporal life. You know very well what is best for me.”
Sometimes you feel that disasters increase instead of diminish? Don’t get agitated. Close your eyes and tell Me with faith, “Thy Will be done. Thou think of it.” And when you thus speak, I even accomplish a miracle when necessary. I only think of it when you trust me totally. I always think of you, but I can only help you completely when you rely fully on Me.
Re: Testing human strength... monkeygirl: You've been through hell. I don't know if you believe in God or anything, but He doesn't give you anything more than you can handle - which means you are one strong woman!!
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