New here- don't know what to do faraday: So I don't really even know where to begin. I've been married for 11 years to a man that I love so much it hurts and we have a beautiful, kind, wonderful 8 year old daughter. Our life together has not been easy by any means and now he wants out. I don't even think I blame him. About 12 years ago, I was in a very abusive relationship and had tried to kill myself- and failed. I was so depressed and hopeless. I met my current husband at work and he was like a ray of sunshine during a thunderstorm. He saved me- truly in every way. And things would have been fine if that was all that had ever happened, but I ended up becoming very ill- I had 7 miscarriages, and several surgeries including a hysterectomy by the time I was 25- I am only 29. I have no family here except my mother who is a very mentally ill and manipulating individual who actuall lived with us for 5 years after my father died. I didn't have anyone to depend on- if I could have done something differently I would have. We had our daughter by the Grace of God and she was magical- and I almost died after giving birth. The abuse I had undergone previously had damaged me. On top of all this, I grew up in a abusive home- I didn't know how to react to anything normal- I was so used to just trying to survive that I didn't even realize when I would be on the offense. And I can get pretty nasty verbal wise. So this goes on, all the while I am trying to hold on to my career which was going fairly well until I started to hemorrage at work. AFter sick leave, they asked me to resign. By this time my mom had moved out at my request because I could not handle it and my husband was going crazy- so now I, the major bread winner, was out of work- during this time our relationship actually got better and I thought we had a shot- but it was really because he had started using behind my back. And then I started to- it was a way to be with eachother with no pressure and feel good for a time. Well, we took it almost as far as you could, we almost lost everything- we DID get evicted and are now living with his parents- clean I may add thank God! During the past year, his mother has helped me into therapy and to go through all of my emotional baggage and it is soooo painful that sometimes it is hard to breathe- but I was doing it because I wanted something better for my daughter and because I knew I had hurt my husband so badly in some ways and I wanted to save us. Well now, on the other side of hell, he wants a divorce and says he cannot ever forgive me and has started spending time with some girl that he used to be friends with that has always had feelings for him, h e calls her late at night and goes places with her and I am wrong for feeling betrayed- he won't talk to me- and I am losing him- and I feel like I am suffocatiing and like I can't breathe- and what do I tell my daughter? I know this is my fault, I am trying to change, why can't he see that if it could have been different, I would have made it so...I didn't plan any of what happened and there were times that he hurt me just as much he's really good at it- where do I go from here? What do I do when I can't even feel like I can get through today? Thanks for listening- any advice is more than welcome
Re: New here- don't know what to do Feel: Welcome to Ojar... you are with helpfull and loving people here who can support you as much as possible with our own experiences.
First, so you still live with the in-laws and how is your daughter doing as well are you and your husband still living together???
Re: New here- don't know what to do mariher: Hey there, as being fairly new to Ojar myself. (Just started the beginning of this week) I can say to you that you have found an amazing group of people here who are wonderful listeners (or should I say readers) that offer support, sympathy, honesty, and encouragement.
I have to say you are a fighter. After all you've been through and your still kickin' ;)
Now what I can say regarding your husband is that YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. If he has chosen to spend time with this other woman and he calls her and he's being awful to you then make him aware of what he's doing to you and if you have to try to find the strength to move on. You have a little girl (like myself) and she needs you so much. You need to be strong for your daughter. I can't give you advice on what you should do. Only you will know what's right for yourself. I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to along with many others.
Feel has been wonderful, she replied to your post first.
She's awesome, she's listened to all my problems and helped me to figure out what's right for me. Try doing the same.
I wish you all the love and laughter that life can bring to you.
PM me if you ever want to talk privately. :) ;)
Re: New here- don't know what to do CDNgurl: faraday -I'm glad you are seeing someone professionally about your past. You didn't have the best example of a happy home - you may find this really helpful.
I believe you have come far and a big part of recovery from an abusive home is understanding that what you experienced is NOT normal... and how to break free. It concerns me that you stayed with an abusive man because you brought your past patterns with you.
This will be a long hard road and no matter what, you will be a better person from all the growth you experience.
I am upset to see your husband has a new woman that he is seeing... I'm sure he may find it really difficult to believe real change can come - particularly if his new friend paints a rosy picture of how life can be with her.
My 2 cents - continue to work on you. That is win win...
how to get him away from her?? I wish I could help - I lost that battle - but know that your family unit is worth fighting for.
We are here for you.
Hugs
Re: New here- don't know what to do faraday: Thank you all so much- I have been sitting here at work and am trying to hold it together and it is so hard not to just start crying- I am not saying that I was an angel- I know darn well that I was not- but I understand now that alot of how I thought and how I reacted were things I learned- not really who I was, but who I became- and I wish I could take it all back but I can't.
Feel, yes we are still living in the same house- my in-laws and they are really wonderful- they don't know yet- all this happened last night after he had come home from 6 hours at the gym. And while I was talking, she called him and I found out they have been talking every night really late- no wonder he hasn't been coming to bed- and the other morning he was all cuddly with me, and lovey and now he says he doesn't even remember he must have been asleep so I am wondering who he was even thiniking of then- my daughter doesn't know yet either and this will kill her she loves her dad sooo much and he is a really good father. I feel so stupid- our anniversary is next month and I sit here all day thinking about what to get him and how things are gonna be better and telling people how wonderful he really is for all he has dealt with with me, and all the while he is thinking about leaving me
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