Re: She's writing notes to him crushedman: In a situation like this, patience is your greatest weapon. Is it easy? HELL NO. I'm probably the LEAST patient person in the whole world, and if you are anything like me you will want answers to your questions. But think of it from her perspective. Remember the comment she made to you a couple of months ago "but you would never forgive me." And on some level you confirm that belief when you ask questions she isn't willing to answer. Also, consider WHY she won't answer questions like "do you still have feelings for him?" She knows she's already hurt you deeply and she doesn't want to hurt you anymore. Also, as long as she is in contact with him it's going to be difficult to move forward. This is called the fog and it may not lift for some time.
This is incredibly unfair and unjust, but you are going to have to be the bigger person right now. Your going to have to carry the relationship for awhile. Check out survivinginfidelity.com and divorcbusting.com.
I don't think you should give up. Do what's right for you.
cm
Re: She's writing notes to him Lance: Well I did it to myself again and found the another note. This one seals the deal. She loves him, she's been waiting for him, and the details are not important. She did say she's remaining faithful to him, (which explains why she is not being intimate with me), even though he broke her heart. My God how did she turn into this person? I know now what I have to do. It is going to leave me so dead inside to watch her leave again. I'll have to basically start the whole losing process all over again, all because I gave her a second chance. Yesterday she agreed to my demand of either her going to counseling, with me, or her packing. Why is she wasting our time? How could I let myself get this messed up in the head with her? I mean, I guess my hunches were right. Which basically means I need to start following my gut instinct more often. But it doesn't make this any easier to accept. I am not looking forward to living in this house when the holidays come. It's just so disgusting. It sickens me. I have to be strong I owe it to myself, I know someday again I'll be happy.
"...and miles to go before I sleep."
Re: She's writing notes to him ajw: Lance......time to put a fork in her....cause she's done!!!!
Re: She's writing notes to him crushedman: Bro,
As hard as it seems this type of thing is very normal. Try not to question her motivations as she is so messed up in the head right now that it's pointless to try and understand her. Take a deep breath and steel yourself for the conversation you are going to have to have with her. When you speak with her, try to take all emotion out of your voice and be very monotone and businesslike. Speak softly.
Let her know you found her note, show it to her if you have to. Be prepared: she will accuse you of attacking her, snooping, etc etc. Pay her no mind her words and actions and opinions are not worth listening to presently. Tell her that counseling is no longer the only thing you require of her. Tell her that if she wants to live in the family home and receive all the benefits of marriage, then she must go no contact with her man. That means no notes, no phone calls, no texts. Let it be known that you are not willing to remain celibate forever and you expect a sexual relationship with her at some point. Let her know the CONSEQUENCES of her actions. Example- If she sends that note she will find her shit on the front lawn and the locks changed. Also, if you have any money you need to protect yourself financially. EMPTY any joint accounts. Tell her she will never see a penny from you. Don't make it easy on her! Anything you can think of that might be difficult for her to deal with if you split up, bring it up. She will most likely yell, cry, accuse- BE PREPARED. Let it all roll off of you and tell her you know she is going through a difficult time and you are there to help. But you have too much respect for yourself to see your marriage tarnished like this.
Good luck, man.
cm
