Replaced and Forgotten gabefredrick: I don't know if my story is that much different from a lot of other people...which is both comforting and disheartening. My girlfriend of five years had an opportunity to move from Seattle to New York for a year for her work. She had always lived with a roommate, she had always been close to home, smothered by family, and she had never gone more than a few weeks without a man in her life. In a lot of ways she had never done anything on her own and was, as a result, very insecure... and she knew it. We spoke about it a lot, she knew it to be true, and I told her at every turn that I would do whatever I could to help her grow and leave those feelings behind. So when the NYC opportunity came up, I knew I had to swallow my pride and encourage her to leap. In a lot of ways we both needed her to do this, as she needed to grow in this way if we were ever to make it in the long run. (me 35 her 32). In my version of love we support each other. We cheer each other and become the strength the other person needs when they're afraid of doing the tough thing that will benefit them in the long run. So after a lot of discussion, tears and promises, we packed up her things and she left in January. I would fly out twice a month and she would come back to Seattle when she could. We would talk everyday and I would be there for her with all my heart. It would be the hardest thing I would ever do, but above all else, I believed in her. We would make it...
Three months after she left she met someone else and told me it was over. We haven't spoken since.
It's been six months now and while the shock has worn off, it has been replaced with a cold and dull fist in my stomach that is my reality each and every day. I don't remember what joy feels like and I feel as if this is the start of a long and cold winter that will last the rest of my life. I hear of her from time to time and how much fun she is having in NY with her new someone. She haunts me. I'm afraid that the rest of my life will feel like mere existing as opposed to living. I'm doing all the things I "should", taking care of myself, going to therapy, spending time with friends, being patient, etc, ad nauseum, etc.. But all these things do nothing to assuage the emptiness I feel...an emptiness that has no bottom and seems to hav no end. I don't miss just being with someone, I miss being with her. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not being with her. What I felt with her was something that I not only had never experienced before, but in all my conversations with people in my life, I haven't found anyone else that has experienced anything close. Everyone else seems to have a practical love, a sensible love, a love without sparkle.
I know we support each other and tell each other that it will get better, but what if sometimes, things are as bad as they seem? Love is rare, true love anyway. I don't believe that finding that kind of love happens to everyone and so to think that it will happen to me again borders on fantasy. In a moment of honesty I know that in accepting that I have lost her, I also have to accept that I am truly lost without her.
Re: Replaced and Forgotten brielle123: [quote author=gabefredrick link=topic=34513.msg360028#msg360028 date=1158012818">
I'm afraid that the rest of my life will feel like mere existing as opposed to living. I'm doing all the things I "should", taking care of myself, going to therapy, spending time with friends, being patient, etc, ad nauseum, etc.. But all these things do nothing to assuage the emptiness I feel...an emptiness that has no bottom and seems to hav no end.
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Everything in this particular quote is what I have felt at some point every single day since my STBXH told me that he did not love me anymore and eventually split. I am so sorry that you feel this way, I know first hand that it hurts so much, and the pain continues on and on. You begin to feel so tired from all the pain that you feel, but regardless of the exhaustion...it does not stop. Words cannot even describe the emotional wound that is split wide open during the grieving/healing process.
I do believe that it has to get better, that time does heal your wounds...some wounds just take longer to heal than others.
We are going to have good days, ok days, bad days, worse days, and I don't want to get out of bed days - and that is ok - it is all part of trying to feel better or some sense of normalcy again.
I wish that I had some profound words of wisdom that could help ease the despair that you are feeling, but I just want you to know that we here at OJAR understand what you are going through...life does get better, it just has to and we have to hang on to hope and believe that it will.
Re: Replaced and Forgotten airtree: I understand that feelling of loss. My situation is different but I'm sure we have felt the same kind of pain. The thought of loosing someone. Not just anyone, that one person that envelopes our minds.
One thing that helps me is knowing that my wife fell deeply in love with me at one time. I was different then. There was something about me that she was so attracted to. Something that I have lost. I know now that it is because I became so addicted to my wife. Not that I worshipped her daily but I stopped being me.
I have been working on getting that me back from the past. The me that was not so addicted to this relationship drug. A me that kept me joyful and attractive, inside and out. I think I've found the path and it has helped ease the pain.
Long story short, in this small amount of time in making these changes in me, she came back. Not sure what the final outcome will be but I no longer look to her for my sole security. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but now I understand why and just ride the wave. When I have a good day, it is really good and more often.
Sorry your'e going through this. I totally understand hope you find a complete healing from your pain.
Much peace to you.
-a
Re: Replaced and Forgotten big_daddy: [quote author=gabefredrick link=topic=34513.msg360028#msg360028 date=1158012818">
Love is rare, true love anyway. I don't believe that finding that kind of love happens to everyone and so to think that it will happen to me again borders on fantasy. In a moment of honesty I know that in accepting that I have lost her, I also have to accept that I am truly lost without her.
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It doesn't happen to everyone you are right. But...the odds of you finding true love in the first place were slim to none. The odds of you finding true love again, still slim to none. I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm trying to show you that if what you found was in fact true love, you have defied the odds already. The only thing stopping you from doing it again is you.
The other thing you need to do, is ease up on yourself a bit bud. You didn't LOSE HER....she LEFT YOU. There is a distinct and significant difference in this. You are only lost until you find your way. You will find your way, as soon as you no longer blind. You will be able to see, once you are no longer blinded by the pain. The pain...will become easier to deal with, over time. It is a process, it is a long road. You have to want to make that trip. And you may not want to right now, and that's okay.
Sooner or later you will. Until that time comes, and all throughout your journey. We'll be here to help.
Re: Replaced and Forgotten gabefredrick: Thanks. With all these people here doing the hard work to get through there pain, it seems almost unfair that some people can just slip into another relationship and not feel any loss. While deep down I want her to be happy, a part of me would feel comforted if I knew she was feeling the loss like I am. To think that five years with me was so "forgettable" on her end has me questioning what it was I thought I was experiencing with her.
Thanks again for stopping by to help.
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