The male mind? surprised: I need help. My boyfriend and I had a great relationship. If you read the thread about how do you know if he loves you, he had practically all of those qualities. As a couple, we are terrific together. We never fought, we got along great, our families liked each other, I mean, everything was perfect. But, I want to have kids, and probably get married, and he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't say he definitely doesn't want what I want, but he doesn't know. I haven't heard from him since last Sunday. We were together for 10 years. I mean you don't make that kind of commitment to each other if you don't love each other. So my question is for the men in our sad little group. What are the chances that in our time apart right now, he'll decide he can't live without me? That it's all worth it and we can be together? I understand how sad and pathetic these questions might sound. And that without actually knowing us, or him, you probably can't really give specific answers, no one really knows a person until they've walked in another's shoes, but men think alike to a certain extent. So please help me. Even if they're hard answers, things I won't want to hear, I need some truths.
Re: The male mind? alonewith2: I know I'm not male, but I'd thought I'd put in my 2 cents anyway.
Is just seems that after 10 years he would know what he wants, right? But then again, I'm not suprised anymore after hearing all the stories posted here. There are a lot of "perfect" relationships that didn't end well.....mainly because they ended.
Why has he not contacted you in over a week? Have you tried to contact him?
Re: The male mind? Spike: A lot of times, the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will work. You just need to miss the other person for a while. It could be he just needs a little break. The choices that you are asking him to make are huge. A child. That one requires thought, maybe some guy talk, and perhaps some time with a kid. Marriage, well, you've been together 10 years, you don't need a piece of paper, you're married! Just sit it out, he'll come around with some news. I hope it's good news for you.
Re: The male mind? surprised: Thank you to both of you for your replies, you've made me feel a little better. Alone, I don't know why we haven't had contact in over a week. I am waiting for him to reply to an email I sent. We had been emailing about the important stuff and when we spoke on the phone, we were trying to keep it light. I haven't called him because I'm trying to give him his space. As to why he hasn't called me, I wish I knew. It might be the same reason. Why he hasn't replied to my email, I don't know and it's starting to make me angry. And I agree after 10 years, he should know. But like Spike said, they are huge decisions and he (xbf) knows that. I also agree, Spike, that after 10 years, the marriage would just be a formality, and it is the children issue that is keeping us apart. I honestly think that he's a little freaked out at the idea because both of our parents are divorced. And maybe he's just afraid of ultimately putting his own kids through what we went through. But I don't know, their lives aren't our lives, we're not going to end up like them. So thanks for your responses, I appreciate it.
And other women please feel free to respond as well, I actually would like words of wisdom from anyone whose been in my shoes or his shoes.
Re: The male mind? Harold: Um… first of all I’m sorry you’re going through this but men do not all think alike to any extent. I’m not trying to be argumentative or condescending but that’s just not true. I’ve been around the block more than a few times and if men thought alike to any extent they probably wouldn’t enjoy beating the hell out of each other so much.
The first thing I want to say is that if you were together for ten years and never fought or argued then either someone wasn’t being altogether honest or you two were unlike any couple I’ve ever known. Disagreements and arguments are not only common stuff but a pretty good indication that there’s something healthy going on. If you don’t have arguments and disagreements then you’d have no opportunity to even try working through things. Not only that but just think of all the great make up sex you'd be missing out on! ;D
You’re right though… having kids is a huge decision either way but if this guy just ran away from what you’re certain was a ‘perfect’ relationship then it could be that, in his eyes, maybe it wasn’t so perfect. If that’s the case then maybe it was a convenient excuse to bolt. On the other hand it could be that the thought of actually tying the knot for real (children pretty much cements things emotionally and legally as well) made him think he’s got a few wild oats to sew. If that’s the case then don’t be surprised when he shows up on your doorstep with his tail between his legs feeling guilty as a dog after having his hedge trimmed. See… it’s impossible to even speculate because men aren’t any more alike than women are really.
It might not be a bad idea to just sit back and relax and try to not get too worked up about the whole thing at least until he either calls or returns your email. Splitting up after ten years must be really tough but probably the best thing you can do is step back from the situation just a little and try to stay composed. It’s really easy to let your imagination run away with you and that’s not good for anyone. You might want to get together with your girlfriends and see what they think is going on (if any of your friends know him).
I really hope things work out for you,
Harold
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