Re: The male mind? surprised: Harold,
I like to think that we weren't like most other couples. But when I say we never argued, I mean hardly ever, and when we did, we tended to talk things out, rather than fight. A girlfriend of mine also suggested that he perhaps has some wild oats to sow. I don't like that idea, but I guess it may be true. As far as staying composed, I was doing well, more or less, in that department until this week. Maybe because it's now four weeks, a full month, of this b.s., that it's starting to get to me. I wish I could sit back and relax, I wish there was an off button for all the thoughts running through my mind. But there isn't. As it is, I can't force him to talk or email me. So you're right, things are out of my hands at the moment, and that is really hard. Thanks for the advice.
And I know that all men don't think exactly alike. But I have no clue how the male mind works, and I thought I understood his mind, but now I am just confused.
Re: The male mind? big_daddy: If I've learned anything from OJAR, its that all men don't think alike...to any extent really. So, its hard to say where he is at. However, no matter how healthy your relationship, the point of contention you have brought up can be a deal breaker for anyone.
Having kids, being a parent, making that commitment...its so much bigger than marriage. Honestly, if I were in your situation, and this may sound cold hearted...but I would not even want to have children with any man who doesn't want or isn't sure if they want kids.
I've wanted to be a dad, ever since I was a kid. It is the biggest accomplishment in my life, my pride and joy. However, there are times when I look at my life and say, "Wow...what in the hell was I thinking? Can I really do this? Was I meant to be a dad?" I think all parents go through that from time to time. Being a parent is a difficult and challenging role for even the most dedicated of parents...I'd be highly reluctant to commit any person who was unsure into that kind of role.
It is a fundamental difference in wants. It really deserves a great deal of consideration as to how strongly it is something you want, and how strongly he is opposed to it.
My 2 cents.
Re: The male mind? tygerseye04: There could be a lot of things going on...he could have been with you for ten years and then realized that he never got to try out other things, he could be deeply afraid of marriage (though he may not even know it), or maybe he just needs a break.
Whatever the case, you deserve someone who WANTS to marry you--someone who is excited to make that commitment. If he is not like that now, then he it's a safe bet he won't be like that in the future.
As a rule, I think that long-term, live-in relationships are bad news. It was never what I wanted. I guess I see it as, "Why should someone have to test you out for that long, to see if you will work?" I dunno...just seems screwy to me.
d.
Re: The male mind? tygerseye04: Hi,
Perhaps you should read the following books on "Adult Children of Divorce." I found them pretty enlightening. The basic premise is that divorce scars children badly and that they grow up having trust, intimacy, and confidence issues, and further, generally wind up in long-term relationships (that ultimately end) or a marriage that ends in divorce.
What's sad is that children of divorce will want to get married and love someone, and will want commitment, but they don't know how to do it. What's worse is the fact that they are unaware of their own issues, and so do nothing about fixing them.
I was with someone whose parents went through a bad divorce. He was a wonderful guy, but he had serious issues with intimacy. He didn't know things about relationships that I thought were common sense to know. Until I bought these books, I didn't understand him...but reading these books were very enlightening as they were practically a behavioral biography of my ex.
Anyway...hope that helps.
A Hole in My Heart: Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain
Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents' Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy
Re: The male mind? surprised: Thanks everyone. I am going to try to take Harold's advice and just relax. It's really hard though. Tyger, I will think about those books. But I am an adult child of divorce too, and I don't feel like I have those issues. But maybe that's the point, right? Maybe that's part of why I feel so hurt and confused, I saw what my mother went through, and never thought I would go through it myself. You all make good points, and I've heard and considered all them in the past four weeks. It just sucks, I guess I am just looking for answers anywhere and the only place I can actually get them is from him and I haven't heard from him in over a week. That's really bothering me too. No contact is hard. But I refuse to call him or email him now. If he contacts me, that's one thing, but I won't be reaching out now, no matter how badly I want too. Thanks again for the advice and support.
Click More for the next page.
