Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. Cerebral_Belle: Hi all,
I am very happy that I found this group. I have been trying to work these issues by myself and with my Godfather and boyfriend, but don't feel they truly understand because they have not been there.
I have a number of issues from my divorce, but the one that keep recurring most is my fear of trusting too much again. My ex-husband cheated on me when we were dating, and I forgave him because I had flirted and we were both very young when we started dating. So we gave it a new start when we got married. He was faithful the first year, but I still did not trust him fully the first and second year of marriage. Then the third year of marriage, I started to really trust him again at the advice of a church counselor. I really started to give my heart to him again, and then less than 6 months later, the woman that he was cheating on me with for 2 1/2 years of our marriage ratted him out. He did not even admit to being sexual with her and said they were jsut friends, even though she sent me letters with explicit details and pictures of them kissing.
It's been almost 4 years now, and I have a new boyfriend that I have been with for 2 years. My new boyfriend is very good to me, but I found porn a few times on his computer about six months after we started dating. I was devasted that he felt the need to look at porn when we were being intimate and when he told me he loved me. I confronted him, and he said he will stop. He clears his browser however, so I have no way of knowing. So I just let that go that I will never know for sure, but it bothers me still that he did.
The main issue with him though is that since the beginning, I have caught him staring at girls when we are together. I was very bothered by it because I am very attractive and alot of people come up to me, but I do not pay mind to them, and I don't even stare at people when he is not around. I spoke to him about it several times, and it escalated into arguments. I have still noticed that he does it at times, but I don't want to bring it up still because he has told me that I am seeing things and am being paranoid because I have trust issues. He said that even if he glances, it is like when someone looks at a nice outfit in the window because it is nice, but don't intend to try it on or buy it so it is harmless. I know that if some attractive is in a persons field of vision, it is normal to glance once. But he does it several times, and it really bothers me. I think to myself that if he does this when I am around even though he knows that it bothers me, he may even do worse when I am not around like flirting, etc. I care about him alot and otherwise we have a great relationship. He is supportive about other issues, but we simply do not see eye to eye on this one. I feel that checking out other people when you are with someone is wrong, disrespectful and hurtful. Do you think I am just being paranoid because my ex cheated on me, and I fear another being attracted to someone else? Or should I just ignore these feelings and just hope that one day I will not be bothered by it anymore? Please help.
Re: Parania or Reality - Is your mating checking out others a big problem? kitkat: Looking has never been an issue for me. It's human nature. It's not something we consciously do. However choosing to get physical with someone is a conscious choice. So it putting one's self in a position that could likely lead to that.
In the end though only YOU can set your boundaries.
Perhaps a compromise? He tries to not check out ladies while you are with him (makes a conscious effort). Your part would be trying not to get upset if he does it accidentally (your conscious effort)?
Re: Parania or Reality - Is your mating checking out others a big problem? chaotic: There is some truth in the saying "just because you are on a diet, doesnt mean you cant look at the menu"
Men are visual creatures, we look at women. Its hard not to. Now if you are engaged in a conversation and he totally ignores you while you are talking then I would be a bit upset, but if he occaisionally glances in other women's direction, it does not mean he plans to ever persue.
Re: Paranoia or Reality - Is your mating checking out others a big problem? katelyn: Wow - I feel you on this one. I am exactly the same.
Truly I think it all boils down to the fact that you don't trust them. You don't trust what might be going on in their mind. I can't stand the thought of what might be going on in their mind.
If it truly is just 'noticing' the way I notice someone nice-looking, no big. But I have a hard time believing that's all it is with men. I guess I'm just jaded.
Re: Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. kitkat: I guess I just see it as "the guys who are going to cheat will do so rather you see them looking or not. The guys who won't cheat won't even if they do look"
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