Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. Cerebral_Belle: Hi all,
I am very happy that I found this group. I have been trying to work these issues by myself and with my Godfather and boyfriend, but don't feel they truly understand because they have not been there.
I have a number of issues from my divorce, but the one that keep recurring most is my fear of trusting too much again. My ex-husband cheated on me when we were dating, and I forgave him because I had flirted and we were both very young when we started dating. So we gave it a new start when we got married. He was faithful the first year, but I still did not trust him fully the first and second year of marriage. Then the third year of marriage, I started to really trust him again at the advice of a church counselor. I really started to give my heart to him again, and then less than 6 months later, the woman that he was cheating on me with for 2 1/2 years of our marriage ratted him out. He did not even admit to being sexual with her and said they were jsut friends, even though she sent me letters with explicit details and pictures of them kissing.
It's been almost 4 years now, and I have a new boyfriend that I have been with for 2 years. My new boyfriend is very good to me, but I found porn a few times on his computer about six months after we started dating. I was devasted that he felt the need to look at porn when we were being intimate and when he told me he loved me. I confronted him, and he said he will stop. He clears his browser however, so I have no way of knowing. So I just let that go that I will never know for sure, but it bothers me still that he did.
The main issue with him though is that since the beginning, I have caught him staring at girls when we are together. I was very bothered by it because I am very attractive and alot of people come up to me, but I do not pay mind to them, and I don't even stare at people when he is not around. I spoke to him about it several times, and it escalated into arguments. I have still noticed that he does it at times, but I don't want to bring it up still because he has told me that I am seeing things and am being paranoid because I have trust issues. He said that even if he glances, it is like when someone looks at a nice outfit in the window because it is nice, but don't intend to try it on or buy it so it is harmless. I know that if some attractive is in a persons field of vision, it is normal to glance once. But he does it several times, and it really bothers me. I think to myself that if he does this when I am around even though he knows that it bothers me, he may even do worse when I am not around like flirting, etc. I care about him alot and otherwise we have a great relationship. He is supportive about other issues, but we simply do not see eye to eye on this one. I feel that checking out other people when you are with someone is wrong, disrespectful and hurtful. Do you think I am just being paranoid because my ex cheated on me, and I fear another being attracted to someone else? Or should I just ignore these feelings and just hope that one day I will not be bothered by it anymore? Please help.
Re: Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. Spike: See my answer on the other board!! LOL
Re: Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. JNA: Welcome to Michaels board...
Forget about the other board that was mentioned
They screwed me and will you too If you "Let" them...
Which will make your trust issue worse
Stay Here
CB wrote: "I have a number of issues from my divorce, but the one that keep recurring most is my fear of trusting too much again."
I have trust issues big time as you do to I'm sure...
This is a part of getting over things others did to us
To go on in life and prosper you have to conquer those fears of trust...
Sometimes that means us doing things we are fearful of to get past it
Putting yourself out there is one of them...
Sorry for that but it is the only way
The Porn issue is a big deal but this one is "Bigger" per se...As stated below...
CB wrote: "The main issue with him though is that since the beginning, I have caught him staring at girls when we are together."
Now every guy stares at chicks but combine that with the porn well...
Not to mention it is disrespectful to you
I mean come on...
CB wrote: "I was very bothered by it because I am very attractive and alot of people come up to me, but I do not pay mind to them"
Because you are a "Faithful" person like a lot of us here...
Understood
Thing is...
Some people have Self Respect and some do not
He does not...
IMO
CB wrote: "I spoke to him about it several times, and it escalated into arguments."
The arguments stem from "Guilt"...
You Busted him
Nuff said...
He knows that you are on to him "period"
CB wrote: "I have still noticed that he does it at times, but I don't want to bring it up still because he has told me that I am seeing things and am being paranoid because I have trust issues."
They call it "Crazymaking" and he will if you let him...
Never...
I mean never listen to what they say...
Watch what they do...
Action speak louder than words Girl
IMO
As far as the Crazymaking talk to me in IM about the "little" games they play ok...
CB wrote: "He said that even if he glances, it is like when someone looks at a nice outfit in the window because it is nice, but don't intend to try it on or buy it so it is harmless. I know that if some attractive is in a persons field of vision, it is normal to glance once. But he does it several times, and it really bothers me."
Read the above and then read it again...
Then if someone causes you more pain than pleasure in a realtionship then it is time to get out
I did and my ex was lets say Adequate as far as looks...
LOL
CB wrote: "But he does it several times, and it really bothers me. I think to myself that if he does this when I am around even though he knows that it bothers me, he may even do worse when I am not around like flirting, etc."
BINGO...
And maybe a lot more to
I learned from someone like your "Sweetie" how not to trust people...
She was the Ultimate Player in everyway sense of the word...and yours sounds the same
Just my 2-Sense...
She played me like a fine tuned fiddle but she "Lost"...
He will too
CB wrote: "But he does it several times, and it really bothers me. I think to myself that if he does this when I am around even though he knows that it bothers me, he may even do worse when I am not around like flirting, etc."
Again...
Their ya go...
CB wrote: "Do you think I am just being paranoid because my ex cheated on me, and I fear another being attracted to someone else? Or should I just ignore these feelings and just hope that one day I will not be bothered by it anymore? Please help."
I think maybe if your BF cared about you like he should he would be "Sensitive" of your feelings and what has happened to you...
Then I think you have "Trust" Issues like me
But he sure as hell is not helping them any...
Stay Strong
JNA
Re: Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. Spike: Hey JNA, I was talking about this same post in Tell Your Story. Not screwing anyone here.
Re: Paronia or Reality - your mate checking out others. Your thoughts, please. ctrlaltdelete: My best advice is to go with what you are comfortable with. Other people's opinions don't matter to much when it comes to this - if it bothers you that your date checks out other people when he/she is with you then move on. This is unique to your specific preferences.
From personal experience, I have found that this bothers me a lot. My ex husband used to check out waitresses, bartenders, or any other living/breathing woman with large breasts, and all while right in front of me. At first it didn't matter to me too much, but over time I began to feel less attractive because of it. I guess it was important to me that he paid attention to me when he was out with me. Eventually he cheated on me numerous times.
I am currently seeing someone who doesn't check out other women constantly when he is with me. I can't even tell you how refreshing that is and how happy I am when we are out together. As a matter of fact, my ex and I took our daughter out to dinner one night last spring when our daughter graduated Jr. High and he was checking out all the women and flirting with anything that was alive, just as he always did before, and I could hardly stifle a laugh. He looked ridiculous and desperate. Funny how one's perspective changes over time.
Anyhow, to end a long example, what I am saying is to go with what makes you happy. If this behavior isn't acceptable to you then don't date someone who has this behavior. You have every right to be picky and you have every right to have your opinions, likes and dislikes. No one should tell you that it's right or wrong.
Click More for the next page.
