i hate my life unsure_anymore: hello all,
i have been reading these forums for a few weeks now. as odd as it may seem, it helps me knowing that i am not the only one going through these issues. i have written my story so many times but i end up deleting it before i post. i guess i am finally at a crossroad in my marriage and i can use some advice.
long story short, my wife has been cheating on me on and off for the past 3 years. each time it has been with the same person (her boss at work) i found out for the third time about 3 and a half months ago.
each time i found out we had a blow out over the situation but we always decided to try to work things out. at the time she did seem really remourseful. but then it would happen again.
so after the last time i found out, we both decided to individually go to see a counsellor. once she did this for a few weeks she came and told me she believes she is not happy. she feels we are more like roommates than husband and wife. she says she loved me but is not 'in love' with me. and this other person makes her feel special and beautiful. she says she has never had this feeling in ANY relationship she has ever had.
after another week or so she tells me we should split up and she wants to move out. i beg and plead for her to give me another chance (yeah, figure that one out) but she seems pretty intent on leaving. that weekend she goes and looks at some places but finally decides to stay. since then it has really been a roller coaster ride.
she ended up leaving that job. she realized if she stayed there she would fall back into this. now, 5 weeks later, she still talks to him and he is constantly text messaging her that he loves her. when she put her notice in, he even told her he wants her to be with him and went home and told his wife all about the affair and told her he wanted a divorce. he knows i know about the whole thing yet he is still pushing her to leave me and come be with him. and the thing is that she is still considering it. she has even told him that she needs to cut off all contact with him yet he is still persistent.
this whole thing has had her up and down emotionally (as well as me) the thing is i can see that she really misses this guy even though she says she wants to stay and try and work on our marriage. the problem is that this guy will not give up on contacting her. and that puts her back into a funk becuase, although she hasn't said it to me, i think she really believes she is in love with this person.
so it turns out i am the only one working towards saving our marriage. and i guess i kind of feel like i am digging a hole in the sand. for every one shovel full out, two more go back in. i am trying to stay positive and upbeat, but some days it is REALLY hard. he texts her when he knows i am there just because he knows it is going to start a fight between her and i (that is what i think at least)
so what i have been wondering lately is if it is finally time to give up and let her go? ive been a good little soldier for cupid, but sometimes maybe you are better off waving the white flag and giving up. maybe this guy really is the guy for her. maybe she would be happier with him. in the last three months, there are days when she just seem like she hates me. i try to keep on keepin' on, but i cant say it is easy.
just some background. we have been together for 14 years, married for 7. we have a 2 year old who we both adore (and is most likely the real reason she is staying) we have had our share of problems over the years. and i have accepted 100% of my share of the blame for those problems, and i have apologized, and worked towards correcting those issues. funny how i am the cheated and i am the one with all the problems that need to be fixed.
after all this mess, i still love my wife tremendously. I have gone over this with my therapist and have even tried to convince myself that i am not in love with her. but it always comes back to the fact that i love her very much. i just don't really know what to do at this point. i feel like my whole life is on hold.
Re: i hate my life chaotic: Dude welcome to my boat. I did the same thing. I begged for another chance as if it was something I did that drove her to sleep with another man.
You have taken her back a minimum of 3 times now. Everytime, she continues her old ways.
It is time to think about your self and your own sanity. Cut her loose. Let her have this "winner" of a guy, aka A$$Nut. Look, you did nothing to make her do what she has done. Its time to let her live the life she has made for herself. Do not lower yourself any more.
2 steps
Get a Lawyer
Get a Counselor
Ok 3 steps
Keep reading and posting here. We are here to listen.
Re: i hate my life big_daddy: What you've described doesn't sound like a woman who wants to change or one who wants the same things you want.
You have to do what you feel is best, but my personal opinion is that you have done your part, you have tried, you need to look out for you. Just remember, if you decide to say "no more", you are not ending anything. You are simply choosing to no longer accept her behaivor, and disrespect for you. Chances are, she ended it long ago, and just opted not to tell you.
Re: i hate my life icwtsmnl: also, you said this guy is her boss. does she still have that job? the problems will NEVER stop as long as she works with/for him.
actually, they probably won't stop regardless. I'm so sorry to hear your story. what a hard thing to go through. hugs.
Re: i hate my life unsure_anymore: hey everyone,
i think i already knew what you guys are telling me. it just feels good to hear someone validate my thoughts.
one of the hardest parts about this whole thing is i would not get to see my son everyday. i am crying over my keyboard at the very thought of it. he means the world to me, and i to him. and now i now i am going to have to share him with some immoral asswipe? that is not the type of person i want having any influence on my son. funny thing about this guy is that he has cheated on his wife not only with my wife, but 2 other married women from his company. and this is what my wife thinks is a better life!? well, maybe she will find this community in a year or so when he starts cheating on her.
but the saddest thing is, i really love this woman. am i just a moron???
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