Dear K. tygerseye04: Do my letters ever start with another title? I just wanted to say that I still think about you everyday. That I still love you even though I know I shouldn't. I still love you even though I don't want to.
Okay so we haven't spoken in awhile. Almost 10 months now. We used to speak every night. I used to tell you about my day. Or should I say complain about my day? Because I used to complain a lot.
So let me now, 10 months after our relationship ended, practice being intimate.
I needed you. I never admitted that I did...I needed you lots and lots and you were never there. You were always off somewhere looking up at the sky.
I needed you to visit me more often. I needed you to e-mail me more often. I needed you to call me more, to tell me you loved me. I needed you to make an effort to reconcile with my family after they asked you to come. I needed you to shoulder it for awhile. I know it wouldn't have been fair. But I needed a break. I needed to breathe.
I needed you to tell me how much you wanted me. To show it. To tell me why you were with me, and not with your ex's. I never understood how you could talk to those who had hurt you, and then take out your lack of trust issues, because of them, on me. It made me resentful. I felt that others had always gotten "cleaner" versions of you...And that you opened up to me, revealed a mess and said, "deal with it."
I needed you to want me to be with you...
I needed you to help engineer ways for me to be with you...to help me look for jobs...
I needed you to think that long distance is not okay...
I needed you to tell me that my problems were not innate, that with some help, they would go away.
I needed you to help me figure out what was wrong, so that they would go away.
I needed you to tell me that you needed me.
I needed a job.
I needed stability.
I needed to have my own world in the midst of yours. I tried to carve out my niche in your world but I failed.
I needed sex in the mornings, sex in the shower.
I needed crazy sex. Sex makes me feel wanted.
And sex is well,...hmmm...sex. I always loved sex with you.
I needed you to trust me.
I needed you to put more effort in the relationship..
I really needed you after you gave me herpes; ...why didn't you come to visit?
I needed you after my grandfather died.
I needed you to put pictures of me on your webpage.
I needed you to not attack my self-worth during arguments. Maybe I am wrong? But I think I was a pretty good girlfriend...and I am a good person too. I don't deserve to be told I'm not.
I needed you to be aware of your own problems...how much they hurt me sometimes. How much they played out in our relationship.
I needed you to never make fun of Jane Austen. She's my hero. She's everything I've ever wanted to be in a writer. If you tell me that she's bad, or not as good, then you might as well tell me that my dreams are inferior...that there are better ones to have. Maybe that sounds silly but that's how I feel, so it's not silly.
I needed you to not question me in my realm. If I know anything, and I don't know much, don't feel I know much at least--I know writing. I know literature. I am like pablo with computers in the sense that "I get it." I see things that other people don't see. I can see into things. That's how I can see into people...how I understand so much about black people, or muslim people, about their situations in life. I have an eagle eye that allows me to see up close what, to other people, is hundreds of miles away.
Anyway.
d.
