My story - am I in the club (in 2 parts)? toolate: Blathering:
By way of introduction, what the hell, what the fk, sadness, longing, aching, burning, corrosive emotional slime, flash of hope. Hope for what, what was that – crap its gone, is that good – up or down? Getting sick of the whining, crap again, that’s me – shit, now what. Who do I hold on to, where did safe go, and what emotion is going to come out of that craptastic hat next – scared of that emotion, scared of being ok just a moment to long, scared of feeling safe and trying to stand, scared of sleeping where the dreams lie, scared of taking this china veneered me out into the oh so caring and careful world. What if I just curl up hear for the next “how ever long it takes” – I am oh so individualized, my grief so unique there is even a card. What if I scream, what if I don’t stop, wow, that’s irritating, crap again – that’s me. This ride sucks.
Actual story with intermittent blathering:
Mine is a classic, did everything wrong – and somewhat anticlimactically – it comes to an abysmal end. Then why, as this is not a surprise, does it hurt. How much is me, him, us, and how much has nothing to do with the “relationship” at all. Am I back to that place – that you have to love yourself – like attracts like – we keep repeating the same scenario – girls are attracted to men who are like there fathers – your damn childhood will forever dictate who you (aka I’m screwed) place? Have I hopped off the masochistic relationship marry-go-round and am now exactly where I was??? There is that screaming again. I digress.
As I said – it all started out with a very bad cliché, knocked up. Its not like I didn’t have a clue – I’m a graduate student in what, oh yeah biology… idiot. He did not react well at all. (We have been friends for 10yrs prior, and had recently – and obviously rekindled a relationship). It was a couple weeks of hell. Yelling, crying, cursing – keep yes/no, you know the drill. After all that I am set to have a child as a single parent in graduate school (the same situation that had occurred ~30yrs prior, although I played the part of the kid that time). We marry in a quickie, (did you know in TX that from start to finish you can be married w/in 2hr, yes, you do have to wave your right to the mandatory 48hr waiting period – there is a box) court house ceremony, all so I can get insurance. The proposal, my long awaited, was “so you wana” my response “I guess”. The only witness was my mother – and I really don’t remember anything but the judge, nice lady, wanting us to kiss again so that my mother could snap the picture using my new husbands phone. That would be the wedding picture. The wedding night was spent with the new husband on the phone with a rather distraught roommate who was concerned that this would mean that she would have to find a new place to live. The next day the new husband leaves for home – Florida and I go back to work. Things start to calm down, I have contacted the graduate program I was excepted & get an entrance delay, everyone in the family knows about the snafu, and the ‘husband’ and I have made plans on who is to go where etc. ~ 2wks later, while at work I start to bleed, oh yes, a miscarriage. Back out the husband comes, very supportive – we put any decisions on hold for the time being. (As a bitter side note – I get fired because of my absences, 2 of them, 1 pink eye, 1 miscarriage. And once again my faith in humanity…) . During this time the husband and I decided to make a go of it. There is no shortage of love between us, even to this day, a little less than desirable common sense, courage, and faith – but plenty of love.
The decline is hard to define as I don’t ever remember much of an incline to begin with. I moved to PA and started school, he worked on getting a transfer & wound up in MD – him living with my parents until we could get a place to live some where in between. Yes, living with my parents – who are also going thru a separation. Just a moment to picture it… anyway, we never did get to the point of actually living together. He was/is to scared, he needs space, he needs to find himself, he doesn’t know what he wants, he isn’t ready. Three things I am sure of - I love him, he loves me, & it aint enough. We are good friends, we should have left it there, now we are hurt, scared, frustrated, and angry soon to be ex’s and the friendship is am afraid to report, a little strained.
Re: My story - am I in the club (in 2 parts)? toolate: I feel like a bad after school special.
Do I have any right to feel like this? What is it that I am loosing? Was I ever married?
I am so damn bitter about getting a divorce from a marriage that was void of all the romantic proposals, wedding – I didn’t even get a DAMN DRESS, even living together. I pored so much of myself, my hopes and dreams in and what do I have to show other that a great “so you think you’re an idiot” story? How can I feel loss for a bed partner who never really shared my bed? How can I loose what I never had? Why does it hurt so much? Everything I gave up because of a life that never was, for a marriage that never was, and now I get a divorce that is????!!!! THIS SUCKS. Not fair, not fair, not fair, NOT FAIR. (I stomp my feet, I flail my fists)
I am 31, I want a family, I want a partner, I want children, I want love, I want a home, I dont want to be alone - I want the miserable slimy little bastard who is holding the string attached to the carrot to leave me the hell alone.
so hi, do I qualify? :-[
Re: My story - am I in the club (in 2 parts)? flyaway: wow, toolate. Of course you're welcome to join our community. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us. :-\
Those dreams and desires of yours are not too much to ask. In fact, I think they are valid, and acceptable. Read lots, post lots, and you'll soon gain insight and knowledge to help you deal with all your stuff.
flygirl :)
Re: My story - am I in the club (in 2 parts)? idocsteve: Maybe you can get an annullment due to the circumstances that led to your marriage. That way you can start fresh- be friends again, with no pressure. then, perhaps, your relationship can rekindle and someday you will be back where you both want to be.
