Re:Anyone with/been with a reformed cheater? scrdbyelmo: yes, and we're getting a divorce
Re:Anyone with/been with a reformed cheater? Discarded: Cheating is a lack of morals
Cheating is a very selfish behavior
Cheating is exciting for the cheater
I doubt they can completely fix these, they may be able to curb it for a while - how long who knows.
I don't believe someone can truly reform their base character, without a major life alteration.
Morals are learned from parents/friends at a young age and therefore extremely difficult to change
Just my .02
Discarded
Re:Anyone with/been with a reformed cheater? JimB: [quote author=LKN4ME link=board=6;threadid=3518;start=0#msg27725 date=1090471284">
I know there are quite a few shrinks out there that say that the cheater can change if they really want to ....... but this makes me wonder if there isn't something like chemically wrong with them or something.
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Funny thing about shrinks - they tend to say things like this. The best shrinks believe in ultimate power of mind over matter, so they have to think anyone can change their behavior if they want to. Not that this is a bad thing - I believe the same thing.
I've been with women who have cheated in the past. To me, it's just not that big a deal. It seems to me that cheating is so much in the eye of the beholder - everybody has their own definition of cheating, and everybody has their own idea of when a relationship becomes "exclusive". I guess if I'm with someone who has cheated, and that person is comfortable enough with me to TELL me she cheated, then I'd assume that person is comfortable enough to tell me if she's unsatisfied with me for some reason. Then again, maybe she told me out of guilt, and now that she's divested her guilty conscience, she feels free to do whatever....
Bottom line for me is, there are people out there who are trustworthy and people who are not. Sometimes their past makes a difference, and sometimes it doesn't. If cheating was a big deal to me, I'd be a lot more careful with a partner who admitted cheating in the past. But I'd also wonder how many others I've been with who also cheated in the past, and just didn't tell me. You can make yourself crazy wondering about someone's past, so I'm always inclined to make my judgments based on what I know in the present.
Re:Anyone with/been with a reformed cheater? jason_stl: JimB, you make a great point in regards to focusing on the future.
It is kind of like having that "what's in your past?" conversation with a new love interest. I always shy away from those. My numbers and my past are in the past, just as I don't care to know your numbers or what skeletons you are hiding in the closet. Of course ... the thought of fingercuffs comes to mind like in Chasing Amy, but I have never experienced something that horrific.
Re:Anyone with/been with a reformed cheater? barelybreathing: I think it can be summed up with that old saying,
"Don't judge me for who I was yesterday, but who I am today and what I am going to be tomorrow."
But with that being said, I think that most marital cheaters have no clue of what they have really done and the complete and utter destruction of their selfish choices. They carry on and go into new relationships and even manage to be in monogamous ones but really, who cares. They don't deserve merit badges for it.
The ones who deserve merit badges are the ones who stayed in their marriage and committed themselves to healing, learnings, growing and daily atonement. Those "cheaters" are the ones who are truly reformed.
Argh.....hate this topic.
