Hi, I'm new here Palomino: Hi everyone. I just thought I'd share my story.
I've been separated from my xh for over 2 1/2 yrs now, and divorced for over 1 1/2. It was extremely difficult for me to deal with for a long time. It's getting easier for the most part, but I still miss him and my kid sometimes. I really missed them over the weekend. They moved to a different state, so I only get to see my little one a few times a year. I'm kind of sad also because all my friends and acquaintences except two are married or in serious relationships. The two that aren't are extremely busy. This makes it really hard for me to get out and meet people, since they rarely want to go out, or if they do, they don't have time. And in my daily life, I don't meet anyone I'm remotely interested in. The few times I've gone out with friends to bars/clubs I haven't met barely any guys either. None of them were nice. So it's hard. I just really want the kind of relationship I used to have with my x before things went bad. I honestly thought we were soulmates. The way we met seemed to be fate. I wonder if it's possible to have that kind of special connection with someone else. I hope so. Well, thanks for reading!
Re: Hi, I'm new here Feel: I'm confused to why you as a mother don't have your child and why he/she is so far away?
What happened to you and your husband?
Re: Hi, I'm new here idocsteve: That was the first thing that struck me as well. Your little one lives out of state and you see him/her only 3x pr year? Care to elaborate?
Re: Hi, I'm new here Palomino: This is very hard for me to talk about. The cause of our divorce was because I was having major depression because of abuse and issues from my past. I started therapy, and my xh was very supportive for the first 6 months or so. I was slowly making progress. But I guess I wasn't getting better fast enough for him. We were also living with his parents and were having financial problems, which added to the stress. I got into an argument with his dad because my father-in-law was disciplining my toddler too harshly, in my opinion (physically). His parents are very "old school" and set in their ways. My xh took their side, not mine. They kicked me out, but since I had no money my mother-in-law had to co-sign my lease otherwise I couldn't get an apartment on my own. (I was working, but I didn't make enough to qualify. All the apts required an income of at least 2.5-3 times the rent.) So I was struggling just to make it, even with their help. The three of them refused to let me take my baby with me. The cops were called at one point because I was so frantic about it, but they said there was nothing they could do because we each had equal rights since there were no paperwork.
My xh decided he wanted a legal separation, but not a divorce at that point. His parents paid for his lawyer, and I didn't have one of my own. He convinced me to sign the papers giving him primary custody because it was only going to be temporary, plus they kept bringing up my depression. So we continued "seeing each other" and being intimate and stuff, I just lived by myself. But then, a couple months later, he decided he wanted a divorce, but he said that we might get back together. Then, a month later, he decided we would never get back together. So I stopped being intimate with him. He still would beg me, but I refused.
So I had a consult with a lawyer, who told me I was stupid to have signed the papers. He said he could help me try to get custody, but it had to be done immediately and he wanted $2000 ASAP. I didn't have it, so I didn't get a lawyer until after we had our court date. I called Legal Aid, and they said I qualified financially for help, but that they couldn't help me because it was a "modification" because the papers were already signed. They said they only did initial paperwork.
So at first I went along with it, but at court I just couldn't agree to it. I still loved him, and wanted to try to make it work. But he didn't want to try anymore. (We had tried marriage counseling, but he stopped going.) So I said I wanted my own lawyer, and the judge re-set the hearing. My xh was furious. I think it was because he was contacting girls on a message board and was wanting to hook up with them without still being married.
So a few months later, I got a credit card application in the mail, and was finally able to retain the lawyer. But by then, he said that I didn't have much chance of getting custody of my child, because it had been too long. Plus, I fell apart after the separation and my progress was set back considerably, which didn't look good on my side. Plus, my child was doing just fine with my xh and his parents. The judge would look at the "best interest" of the child, and take all aspects into consideration. By the time of our divorce, they had all moved to another state due to my xh's new job.
I would love to move out there to be closer to my baby, but I'm stuck here for 3 more semesters because I'm in college, and the schools out there won't transfer hardly any of my credits. It would delay me considerably. I really need to finish, so I can make a good future for me and my kid. I'm actually "allowed" to visit several times a month, and also have 2 weeks in the summer, but school prevents me from going out there more often. My lawyer said that in the future I may be able to regain custody, but I need to continue working on my school and stabilize my situation before I try so I can have a good case. I'm doing much better than I was before. I've been in therapy for over 3 years, and it has helped tremendously. I'm not trying to whine or get sympathy or anything. I'm a pretty strong person to have overcome such things, especially without getting addicted to substances. I get very good grades in school, and things are looking brighter. I only went into all this because people wanted clarification. My therapist said that he felt my xh never really stopped loving me, but he just can't handle problems very well. He's led a pretty sheltered life, so he just doesn't have a whole lot of empathy or patience for people with problems. But I still miss him sometimes. It hurts because he doesn't make an effort to even be friendly on the phone or in person. He just blows me off for the most part. We were together for 5 years. Well, so that's my story, sorry it's so very long. Thanks for reading.
Re: Hi, I'm new here Feel: It's very hard for me to ignor your story... I am actually hurting fro you, because I can't imagine the thought of not having my son around me... My son means everything to me... I as well didn't have money for a lawyer especially because I was paying bills and daily expenses for my son in me, that I couldn't even afford that. I have to say I read no mention of friends or family on your part... I am not sure how young you are and why no one was mentioned of friends and family, but I was very fortunate to have my family and friends help me in every aspect!
It's very unfortunate actually sad that you had to deal with this, here in Ontario Mothers, women, fathers, men in general are very fortunate with the resources that are provided and I can't see a judge taking a child away from his/her mother unless there was proven fact of any type of substance use as well as abuse to the child... It is very difficult here!
I don't even know what to say becuase I am shocked that knowing you had a depression of some sort they would (his family adn your husband) keep you from you child.
I hope that everything you are saying is true, and I hope that whatever it is you are taking in college helps with the return of your child and for them to just up and leave the state, I also hope that you burn their asses and your child wants nothing more than to be with you!
I am so sorry that I even had to come accross a story as this, I don't beleive your X has a heart and he should have left his mothers umbilical cord once you were married. As well how dare he side with his parents when YOU don't agree with anyone but you and him diciplining your child, especially now that times have changed and the wrong smack to child can get you into trouble with the courts.
BE STRONG AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST.
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