My response .... jadedangel: [color=navy"> I’m wordy …. I Know … so bear with me please. I haven't used this top board for a while ;)
If any of you could choose the one place that you would never return to again … your living hell … which place would it be? For me … it would be after C, after he left. I completely fell apart – not too unlike a lot of us do … I tried to quit school .. I became completely insecure with myself—my personality changed. I stopped being who I was … I lost who I was. It took me one year, four months and some odd days … to ‘get over him’ … and I admit … there is a part of me that will never be over what I lost.
I struggled immensely with my loss because I seen it … I knew what was gone. I went through stages of grief in extended manner except for one … If you have been on ojar for any length of time .. you know the suffering I’ve put myself through. I could never find anger with Chris. I’ve been asked on many occasions why I could never hate him ---> He was trying to be happy, why if I loved him -- could I fault him for that? He begged me on multiple occasions to just quit loving him – he was a ‘bastard’ … to hate him – he was awful for what he did to me … according to him. He wasn’t the only one – I would dare say 90% of ojar asked me to find anger to move on and that I needed that stage. But --- I refused …. Earlier in my life I had found anger with S – and I vowed I would never become that person again – so I believed – I dreamed – I hoped—I wanted --- I wished. I listened to him on why our relationship fell apart …as I mourned my loss – I learned.
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Re: My response .... jadedangel: [color=navy"> … so this all leads back to my question ….. where would you never return?
I’ve recently revisited a place that I never wanted to return to .. and with all my ‘coping’ of the last year …. I handled it this time much worse. My world somewhat stopped – my personality halted .. I had people closest to me more worried about me than I have in years … I stopped eating .. bright side – I lost 9 pounds .. I started smoking 1-2 packs a day and live on 2-4 hours of sleep a day with medication because I can’t escape the hell that surrounds me. I've started therapy, which should help in the long run right --- but seriously the guy didn't know what to do with me that first week.
How did I get here? By believing again … it’s so sad. Why the f – would anyone want to believe when they are proven right repeatedly? And …… of all the places to find someone .. but the place that helped me regain faith. I never thought anyone who could go through what we do on this site could hurt me so completely, be so careless … so malignant and so deleterious --- with full intention of hurting me .. and knowing the state I was already in.
I made the mistake for trusting.
I made the mistake for hoping.
There was no promises made … but, when the implications of hopes and dreams were denied so wholeheartedly …It stings.
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Re: My response .... jadedangel: [color=navy"> I know what your thinking …. That I fall so easily --- and despite the last few months … I’m really not the type – But I admit … I did fall. C – encouraged me to lose the disbelief … and ojar only predicated that … so I jumped --- and here is why. It wasn’t just me … I’m overwhelming but I can not take the blame for wanting something so incredibly far fetched – I admit to the flame .. but not the fuel.
I was never looking for anything … I was never wanting something when it started .. I was hoping to support someone by meeting them for lunch … so it seemed like a good idea to get to know them as the last encounter I had with meeting someone from ojar did not go so well. OMG … what I found was this incredible person .. who had been wronged in so many ways, and what I thought .. just wanted to be happy – and was going to do anything to get that so what it became was so much more than intended. There was a time … when he said I improved his day .. so I started talking to him more --- then daily --- then for hours at a time, every day. He’d talk about my personality and despite warnings from myself .. he still told me he was infactuated with me .. and all the components that made me. He hoped he didn’t scare me with that fact … I cried with such mixed emotions after hearing that --- because it did. I was hearing the right things … and I was fearful of losing that again. I knew I could take it for what it was --- or let my past haunt me and leave it for what it could have been … I chose to take it this time. I knew better .. I fought everything within me. I went against my intuition. I went against myself. I went against all that S-- taught me only to learn the vile lesson once again.
A week before we met .. I asked a trusted friend if I was making a mistake .. I didn’t want to make a mistake … and I was told … just go into it knowing it might not be what you thought. So .. I did – or at least I tried. Then … I met him. I remember distinct details about the day – it was late afternoon … I’m strange like that – I take mental pictures of my life … Our first interaction was a hug – it is still my most favorite of memories with him .. because it was so genuine, so real – He was beautiful .. I'm not talking physical beautiful .. but beautiful for himself. for his soul.. Normal chit chat ensued … it was good – nervous habits made me comment … and he said to me .. I just want everything to go right … and I replied ‘me too’ … My right .. was very different from his right … but they should of melded. I guess I listened when he said … 'it felt so good to have someone care about ME for a change' --- I guess I thought it meant something.
It was the beginning of me falling … that evening I found something that I never could give C – I found this immense happiness for the present .. I had no where else I wanted to be, nothing different I wanted happening.. nothing better I was planning – no matter what I spoke of. That is something that is extremely hard for me to do --- I’m very much a person who lives in the past … and looks to the future … but, I fought myself and was overwhelmed in something I hadn’t let happen for many years --- those that extend beyond C.
How was I to know – what the following month would show me? It didn't even make it 12 hours after he left my presence. My personal hell began again. The loss --began again. It was amplified because anger, though not mine, was finally thrown into the mix -- because of vindication -- The reason why it happened as it did – I still cannot understand. I believe too much in fate – to not believe this didn’t happen for a reason-- and I put myself through more misery trying to find this reason. I can't move on without it.
I’m faulted now because I cared.
I am hurt now .. because I cared.
I remind myself of this daily.
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Re: My response .... jadedangel: [color=navy"> Why do I write now? Because .. I think happenings are wrong … I was there – and I didn’t do this to myself. And the more I try – the more I’m misinterpreted .. misread .. misspoken.
…. Denial
….Bargaining
….Depression
….Acceptance
….Anger
I’ve been through them all … once again ... multiple times ---- and for some reason I’m sure I’m not done. I’ve changed … and I know I’ll never believe whole heartedly again. It took me almost 12 years to do what I did. I don’t intend it to happen again. It’s truly just sad to me … because I was happy … truly happy, even if just for a moment … I honestly thought I would never see it again. But the price I have paid for it is too high – what I have lost of myself … is too much. I’m sorry things ended so badly … but I won't take that blame, not this time, not completely.
I left ojar a couple weeks ago ... trying to give space from thought .. I thought I was fine ... I didn't think I needed it ... maybe I don't ... but I have realized ... I'm not done. I'm not 'better' ... Things don't get 'better' .... only 'relatively better' ...
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Re: My response .... Spike: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JADED)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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