Old Member New Found Strength?? leem03: Ok I haven't been here for awhile. Trying to piece together the shreads of my life. My husband is an alcoholic, abusive, adulterer. (He's AAA---i don't know why but somehow the AAA thing seems amusing).
Anyhow, we made half-hearted attempts at reconciliations in the past, but he could never give up contact with the OW. Even if he stopped seeing her he still talked to her, usually daily. He would complain that I always bring her up & how can things change when I do that, but how could I not bring her up when I knew full well that he still spoke to her??
So last week my 4 year old daugher and I were at a local art street fair. She wanted to go down by the water (it was near a river), I agreed. Guess who I see???? Yep, he was sitting on the grass overlooking the water with HER. I stopped my daughter & told her lets sit here for a few minutes. Then I saw him kiss her. It about made me sick to my stomach. I called my mother-in-law & started balling my eyes out. I didn't let my daughter know what I saw, I sat there a few minutes & preceded to take her down by the water far away from them. About 1/2 hour later, we headed back & I was happy to see that they had left. So we were leaving the area & almost literally bumped into him. He saw us first & I didn't see him until it was too late. His eyes bugged out of his head & I stayed calm and just walked right by them with out a single word. Thank goodness my daughter still didn't spot him. MAN! Do you know how incredibly hard that was to walk right by your husband standing with his OW after you just saw them kissing?? I didn't want to cause a scene & I didn't want to hurt my daughter anymore than she's already been hurt because of his stupid behavior.
I didn't hear from him that night. He came home the next day to all of his belongings packed in garbage bags at the front door. He was astonished. He couldn't believe it. We talked for about 2 hours and I didn't cry once (although I wanted to & I wanted him to tell me how sorry he was & how he wants to come home & be with us & be a family). I stood my ground. Told him to have it all out by Friday. Well, here it is Sunday & it's still there. Throughout the week he's done nothing but drink drink drink. He actually said one day that he was going to check himself into a treatment facility & asked for my help. I would have but of course the next morning when he woke up he couldn't go. He couldn't be away that long. BLAH. He tried to stop drinking on his own and asked if he could come home on Thursday & make dinner for us & we could talk. I couldn't talk to him. I am so hurt about everything. This has been going on so long. I want him to be the man I married and he is no where near that person anymore. He is a DRUNK! Oh did I mention that he's also Bipolar. So he's a depressed DRUNK. He doesn't take medication because it doesn't help because the alcohol counter-acts with the medication...so it's a wasted cause. So eventually that nite he ends up leaving because he says he shouldn't be there because I don't want him there & he's wrong. So he leaves & has been staying with the OW all week and it's killing me.
I do want him to leave because I'm so tired of hurting and trying to make excuses about his stupid behavior. But again really deep down all I want is for him to grow up & smell how good he should have it with a family that loves him.
So now I'm finally talking to a friend of his that is actually being honest with me about what the AAA has said to him. He said he tells all of the bar groupies that he really wants to be with the OW because I'm no fun. I don't want to go out & have a good time & she likes to live it up. OMG! How can I go out! I'm a single mom & have managed to keep up a household & somehow continue to pay bills when he keeps spending all of our money on alcohol. What a good guy this friend of his is. I mean he's finally telling me what I need to hear....The Truth!
So if he wants to be with this trashy drinking bar hopping floozie than more power to him. But I have to close my door on him for once & for all. I have to try to maintain some self dignity. I mean what a complete jerk I look like. This poor woman trying to keep her family together with a guy who keeps saying he wants to be with another woman.
This is killing me! I'm trying to stay strong & start to focus on me. Get me back. Get me back into shape & get me back out there in the world of fun! I don't have to sit around & wait for him to recover anymore. I have tried hard enough for way too long and he needs to have fun with the floozie and leave me alone!
Do you think I can do this?? Because I'm not so sure I can. He has so much darn control over me. I really am doing better though. I have to be the Little Engine that Could........I think I can, I think I can!!!!
Re:Old Member New Found Strength?? Lumpy: Dear Leem,
Know you can, Know you can, KNOW YOU CAN! You and your daughters' lives are going to be so much better without this person in your life. He's never going to change if you just keep giving him chances. Give him a taste of what life is going to be like without you picking up behind him all the time. I just moved out little more than a month ago and believe me a little distance works wonders! It's never easy to lose someone you love but when that person is making you miserable there's just no other option. Life goes on and it eventually will be better. Stay Sane.
Re:Old Member New Found Strength?? brokenman: Leem, I really admire you. Faced with everything you have still took the effort to try to make things work. You have gone far above and beyond what anyone could honestly ever ask of you. You knew going in that it would take more than you to make things better and remain together. And now you know how it is and how it will be. I don't know of a soul that would think you a jerk for finishing things now. You definately can do what you need to do. Sure, it isn't easy, but you can do it.
As for him having control over you... it may feel that way, but from what I read he really doesn't. Who has been making sure the bills are paid? Who has been taking care of your daughter? Who has been trying to make things work? Who is taking the initiative to make up her mind? YOU ARE. That is where the control is. Don't fool yourself into thinking he has control here. You are in control. Sometimes you feelings trick you into thinking otherwise. Sure, you feel a lot for him, but that is not control.
You will make it through. And I am sure you are doing a lot better. You know so much more now than ever before. You will come out the other side of this situation a better and happier person. You will.
As for his things, perhaps placing them in a storage facility will do the trick. Just fill one up, padlock it, hand him the key, and say, "The first month is paid. You either get your stuff out or keep paying the bill."
Re:Old Member New Found Strength?? leem03: Brokenman & Lumpy thank you for your responses. It still amazes me how encouraging this board really is. No matter how bad it is for someone posting, there are people who reply who make the outlook seem somewhat better.
BMan--that is the first time I have ever had anyone had me look at the control situation in a different light. Your words give me a whole new perspective. Maybe you are right. I have been keeping all 3 of our lives somehow pieced together with all of the madness.
I did go to Alanon today for the first time. I've been considering going to a meeting for quite a while now, but today I called a friend up & asked her to come with me & off we went. They didn't say anything different today that I didn't already know, but that too made me feel better. Just hearing the tales of others going through similar problems. (Just like Ojar). Sometimes knowing other people can relate just makes all the difference. Today I didn't share my feelings as I was too emotional. My friend talked for a few seconds just to say she was there to support me and I cried at that. I wouldn't have even been able to make it through a sentence without blubbering. I hope to go back. I hope that today really starts the new chapter in my life. The life that doesn't involve him manipulating me. The one that doesn't let my daughter see him passed out on the floor drunk ever again. I know this is going to be a tough road, but it's a road I have to travel to get through this.
Alcohol is a bad thing. I do so want to help him overcome his demons, but I know I can't. So now I have to try to focus on keeping his demons away from our daughter before it's too late for her. I can't help or love someone that doesn't love himself.
Re:Old Member New Found Strength?? ChristyM: Leem-
Kudos to you for trying so hard to make it work. It just shows the kind and compassionate person you are.
Only he can choose to change back into the person you knew him to be and unfortunately he doesn't want to be that person right now -- are at least not bad enough.
My ex went through something similar although not to that extent. I finally had to understand I could no longer take care of him. It's hard, very hard. I leave in three days to move to Florida with our daughter and the aspect that is killing me is leaving him behind with no one here to take care of him. Isn't that sad? Even after everything he's done.
Hang in there -- you ARE making the right decision. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones.
Christy
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