newtochatrooms sweetpea: I've come to realize that I just can't go throught this alone anymore. I feel like I'm the only one out there that is going through this. I have been separated from my husband since Feb. 2003. I went back to him in June 2003 and decided on vacation with him and our son in September 2003 that I wanted a divorce. I don't know where to begin. Marriage therapy was a waste of time and money. I have been with my husband since I was 15 and best friends since we were 12. We stayed together all through my college days and got married 10 months after I gratuated from college. You live and learn. My marriage has been an educational and learning experience. I was always walking on egg shells with him and was afraid to say anything that would upset him. There was a lot of mental and even some physical abuse. Boy, I feel like a big idoit now. I can't believe I put up with that for as long as I did. There was no support, no one to lean on, no encouragement. Nothing. I had doubts the day I got married. I should have never gotten married so young. Although, I can't ever say never gotten married because I do have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old son that is the air I breathe. My soon to be X said that love will conquear all, boy what a lie. I started noticing changes in my husband around my son's first birthday and when I found out that my X's sister was having an affair on her husband. My X kept that from me for over a year. He said he was afraid how I would react. I think that was when I can actually pinpoint changes. I noticed that my X would be staying out later, would be going out much more, noticed changes in his wardrobe, more secret activity on the computer, not wanting to come home to see us and most of all he started drinking more and more. He also took up smoking which I hate more than anything. He said he was feeling old (it was almost like he was going through a mid-life crisis at age 27). He told me he didn't want the responsibilites of a family and a house. (A little late for that). He turned into this partier. I felt like I was living with an 18 year old frat boy. I was miserable, but tried everything in my power to keep things together for my son. I did everything for him. However, the fighting got worse not just verbal either. I decided that I wanted my son to know what love was and what a happy married life is all about. I did everything for him and myself. I felt like I was taking care of two babies. My son and my husband especially when he would get drunk. I put him to bed! I did everything for that man. I believe he did cheat on me! That kills me. I think he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. He wants the party girl and the nite life life. We are way to far apart on that. I was settled and am a mother whose first priortity is my son. I couldn't go drinking every night or have parties. All I ever wanted was to have a family. I could write so much more, but it just feels good to get it out to others who are experiencing the same situations. I used to be so dependent on others, but now I am an independent women raising a son. My X wanted me to stay in our house, but I chose to leave. I moved out in Jan. 2004 to an 2 bedroom apartment in an old farmhouse. The best move I ever made. My X was livid. He wanted me to live in that house so he could have that control over me. My son and I are extremely happy there and have made some great friends to. I bartend a couple nights a week. My problems now are dealing with idiots who because I'm going through a divorce think I'm going to date them. I even had some stalkers. I'm dealing with that the best I can. One day at a time. I know I vented more than I should but it really feels good to get things off my chest. I've learned so much about myself these last couple of months. I will survive, although some days are so hard and the tears just run. I then look at my son (thank goodness he looks like me) and thank god for he is my strength and my life.
Re:newtochatrooms picadilly: Welcome to Ojar, Sweetpea. & sorry you had to come looking for us.
*Hugz* to you & your son. You're amazingly strong, I just wanted you to know that. Having the strength to get out from under your stbx's thumb, putting up with the abuse. I'm so glad to hear that you are out of there, one of the things that annoys me to no end is abusive partners. They have no idea what they have & it could have gotten worse, he could very well start being abusive to your son over time.
You have come to the right place, mayn people here have gone through something similar to what you are going through. You'll find we're all here to support each other, many of us have not gone through a hell like yours but each of us have demons that we need to excise by just venting about it. Yes, just getting it out helps so much & you'll find that offering some support to others in their times of need, it helps too.
Your not alone, huh, you're so far from being alone in this.
Keep your strength up, your son needs you now & "you" need you now too. :) Does that make sense? Remember that this is your time to heal & grow as you're own person.
Be well.
Re:newtochatrooms DOC: You sound as sweet as your name. I'm going thru similar problems with my soon to be ex-wife. It sure seems as if we are being tested to our limits sometimes. But we have to hang in there for our kids. Just remember there are loving mature men out there. I'm pretty bitter right now and trying not to judge all women from the pain my wife put me thru. Sometimes we need anger to get us thru the hurt.
I'm only 23 but I would never choose partying over my family. Some people are never happy with what they have. They don't know how special it is to have someone who really loves them. hope things get better for you sweetpea.
Re:newtochatrooms Tessa: Sweat Pea,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just remember you are not alone. We are all going through similiar situations. Mine is pretty similar to yours. My x was also abusive. I didn't want to admit for a very long time. I thought because he didn't leave physical bruises that it wasn't abuse. My x was extremely emotionally abusive which has lead me to have next to none if any self esteem. It wasn't until the very end that he started to get physical abusive. He was always careful enough not to leave bruises, so no one knew. I found out that he was having relationships with women on-line too. He didn't classify that as cheating. ::)
Anyway, I hope knowing that other people have gone through similar situations helps. I know it has helped me.
Keep your chin up. Tomorrow is another day. Time will heal all our pain.
If you need someone to talk to we are all here with open ears.
Best wishes
Re:newtochatrooms LKN4ME: Sweetpea-
I feel for you. As the child of an abusive alcoholic father I sympathize with your son. And Pic is right. He would have eventually started abusing your son.
My dad started out with my mom, only hitting or grabbing her where bruises would be concealed, then as time went on he started in on my older brother, once my older brother died, he started in on me. Occassionally he would get my little sister in there too. She mainly had to sit back and watch. He always had to have an audience.
My dad had a 3 month cycle, things would be good, he'd promise not to drink, then over the next few months, he'd start drinking, getting verbally abusive until he snapped, mom would kick him out for a few weeks, then he'd be back promising he'd change and it'd start all over again.
At age 16 I gave my mom an ultimatium: Him or us kids. She chose us, but I had it set up for my sister and I to move into my uncle's house, finish high school and then move out on our own. It was very hard for her, she didn't have time to plan or save money or anything. She didn't have a high school education, quit school at 15 to get a job, get married and get away from my abusive grandfather. When she had us kids she was always a stay at home mom. So she was only able to get a job making minimum wage. Trying to support 2 teenagers who both had jobs, with one car.
By the time I was 18 I had my dad arrested 3 times for assault. All of which happened AFTER him and my mom split and he moved out, but we stayed in the "family" home and he felt it was his RIGHT to come over to start s**t.
Therapy will only work when BOTH people realize that things need to change. Obviously your X doesn't seem to think he has a problem.
You did the right thing in getting out. You may have a hard time seeing it right now, but you don't want your son growing up thinking that being abusive is normal and that his spouse should just put up with it. You don't want him being hit on and doing it to his own kids when he has them. You need to break the cycle now.
You are strong enough to do it! When things start to get you down, think about how much better and happier both you and your son will be in 5 years.
Good luck to you. Keep posting, you will feel a lot better the more you talk about it.
LKN4ME
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