Need Advice SunnyFlower: Don't know where else to turn.
An old timer, here. Some know my story, some don't.
To make a long story short....
Left my husband a year and a half ago after 10 years together. Within 3 weeks of telling him I wanted to seperate, we were living apart. Things went down really fast...maybe too fast. Divorce final now. Tried moving on with other people but always found myself comparing them to him. I feel stuck. I have no closure. I still love him and think maybe I made a mistake. (I was on psych drugs at the time I left him. I definitely think they played with my mind and made me feel MUCH more apathetic than I would have been.) A lot of personal thought and soul seraching made me realize a lot of the reasons I wasn't happy while married. Some his fault and some mine, but nothing that couldn't be worked through.
I am still friendly with the ex's sister. We were very close while married and she is still the aunt to our 2 year old boy. I was speaking to her today and she told me the ex slipped a couple of times and said he still cared for me and even mentioned perhaps we did make a mistake.
I tried confronting him over the last year and a half a couple of times to maybe talk and try to work it out, but he is STILL SO ANGRY and has so much resentment towards me that he won't even look me in the eye or make polite conversation other than one word answers. The fact that the ex sister in law has told me that he still cares is bitter sweet. It comforts me to know he still cares and gives me hope, yet I KNOW if I tried confronting him I would only be rejected again.
What do I do? Hang onto the hope that he may come around and watch the years go by? Or do I take my chances and confront him again?
I miss our family.
Re:Need Advice Safetykc: :'(
Oy Vey mi jejune,
When it rains it pours....
I hear your pain and confusion. :'( :'( You have been down this road so many times and I have been there for a lot of em. I am so sorry you are back in this place again. We oldtimers know. I truly hope you can find some advice out here that will help. I know you are confused and hurting and how you have tried to move on over the last year and a half. Sigh....
Closure isn't something that can be given. It doesn't come with the divorce being final, or even time going by. It comes from within...You struggle with the question of whether you did the right thing and he does too my dear friend. You have long suspected he is going through some of the same ups and downs that you have and now you have the confirmation from his sister. Just because the divorce is final doesn't mean its over unless you both want it to be. I haven't seen her post in a while, but Shannon's divorce was done and her and her Ex-husband were trying to make it work again. Sometimes that can happen.
My only advice is to examine your fears and desires and come up with a solution you can live with. Are you afraid of asking him point blank to try to have some kind of reconcilliation or at minimum start slow with just reconnecting because if he rejects you again it would break your heart again? I know he has done that in the past, but it might be different this time...or it might not. I know you were the leaver physically, but he immediately left emotionally and the love turned to anger and bitterness so quickly.
What I am trying to say is I have known you over a year now and you have tried to move on and make a life, but have never as long as I have known you been able to move past the what if's with your Ex. Something always draws you back. It goes away for a little while ;), but it ALWAYS come back. What your ex-sister in law told you might be a sign to give it a try. I know how much pain his rejecting you after the breakup hurt and you dont want that pain again. But it is a pain you KNOW you can survive...whereas the always wondering what if for the rest of your life might be the harder cross to bear....
At this point you still have no closure and nothing to lose. Just calling him and seing where that goes can't hurt things. All he can do is say no again and you can then if not achieve closure, be a step closer as you will know in your heart you tried one last time.
My only fear for you is that you are SURE you want to do that. Really think about the reasons why the break up happened in the first place. I know you have changed and so has he and can you truly recombine now? It will never be as it was. You both have said and done things that will make it so hard, but not impossible, to reconcile if it came to that.
All I can say is whatever you decide, whether to try to reconnect with him or not, or move on to other situations I truly support and love you as my friend and wish you the best.
Find some happiness A. You and I both know the good inside of you, what you have accomplished as woman on her own and a single mother, and you deserve that happiness either back with R or with someone new. I hate seeing you sad this again :'( even a year and a half out. Do what you need to do to find the peace, love, and happiness you deserve.
Take care my friend and I am always here if you need me.
You have all the digits.
Big hugs and sorry your world got thrown into such a loop by what you found out.
Your Chosen One and Friend
Re:Need Advice SunnyFlower: Thank you, E. You understand me like no one else. You always make so much sense.
Comme d'habitude vos mots touchent mon coeur. Vous sont non seulement un choisi l'un, mais vous êtes un sage un aussi. Aimer à vous mon ami de dearest.
The fact that I have been coming back to this same place is a sign to me that this IS what I want. I know things won't be the same and I wouldn't want them to be.
I think you made a good point. I know I can live with the rejection, whereas the "not knowing" might be too much to bear.
I still have much thinking to do about this and I would appreciate any input I can get.
Re:Need Advice leem03: My suggestion, since you are still friends with his sister ask her to help out. Maybe she can play a go-between for you both. She could tell him what you've said about wanting to possibly try. And how much you miss him and would like to possibly make an attempt at another try with him. She could feel him out and report back to you her findings. It might take her a few tries to get any real feedback from him if he's still hurt about the situation, but if you really think this could work out again, I say go for it.
I'm a real sucker for people working it out and staying together, even if it is a year and a half later. Now you are both wiser and realize some of the faults each of you had in the relationship.
I hope it works out for the best for you! Good Luck!
Re:Need Advice incoherentlonghorn: I am waiting for the day when SunnyFlower will bloom in radiant, intense, and resilient color full time.
That will happen...regardless of whether you propose reconciling again and whether R will consider reconciling. Personally, I would rather not regret not trying again since your heart after so long is intent on loving this man. The outcome may not be exactly what you want, but you can have peace. You can't change the past, you can't foretell the future, but you can follow your heart and give it a shot.
I can't relate to how you feel, but I can only imagine the heartache. What I do know is how strong, sweet, and intelligent you are. You also know that there will be several amazing friends, old and new who are there for you whenever necessary.
Take care of yourself and your family. BIG LONGHORN HUGS.
Hang in there,
LL
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