CAN I BE ON THIS SITE? TAMMIK: About 2 weeks ago, i watched my dog die from heart faliure( he was less than a year old), and while he was taking his last breaths, my spouse of over 26 yrs began screaming at me that it was my fault.
I felt like someone had slapped me, and i left our home, and have not returned. My marriage had been going downhill for a long time, but i just kept hanging on. I feel so alone.
I am 42 yrs old, and i am alone for the first time in my life. I have a good family of my parents and sisters, a great daughter, a new grandson, and the support of good friends, and i also have my horses which are my greatest comfort, but even with all i am blessed with, i feel like i am sinking. I need to talk to someone who can understand.
<Michael - changed posting to lower case>
Re:CAN I BE ON THIS SITE? Good to be ME: Tammik I completly understand the feeling alone for the first time in your like. I was with my stbx (soon to be ex) since I was 14 years old and now I am 26.
It really does take time for that alone feeling to go away. It has been just over 3 months since I left my STBX because he was cheating on me and now I don't feel so alone.
I know that you won't believe this right now...but time does heal...it really does.
Chin up and best to you
Cheers
Re:CAN I BE ON THIS SITE? Safetykc: Tammik,
So sorry for your pain.... Just to let you know, you wouldn't be the first person on OJAR who was over the 35 year old moniker.
I can't even begin to imagine your pain after having been with your spouse for so long, but you can and WILL get through this and survive.
Try to hang in there and feel free to come out here to read and post anytime.
Take care,
Safety
Re:CAN I BE ON THIS SITE? TAMMIK: Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I am in such a state right now, i don't know if i still love my x, or hate him. He has put me thru years of emotional abuse, ( i really need a therapist to get rid of all this anger!).
I used to think he was a good man, and that he loved me, but he was just raised to be the way he is. I went thru his alcoholism, the loss of his job, because of smoking pot, and still i kept hoping things would get better. He did quit drinking, but i found out that he was still smoking pot, which has made him withdrawn from the rest of the world, he has no friends, and he takes his miserable life out on me, like it is my fault!
No, i have not been a perfect wife, i have several girls in my area that show horses with me, and i go somewhere every weekend with them to a horseshow, but if i stayed at home, he went to bed at 8:00. I just wanted a life, i got married very young and had our daughter, our only child, who moved out 5 yrs ago and is now married with her one family.
I don't want to stay at home and look at his sour face! He is never happy about anything. I love being out with my girlfriends, traveling around, and barrel racing. It is the only happiness i have at this point in my life. But do i give it up and try and save my marriage?
My husband and i have never cheated on each other, but i have felt alone for several years. All my friends are married, and their husbands either go with them, or at least check the truck and trailer to make sure they have a safe trip. It isn't that i need someone to take care of me, but it would be nice to have someone who cared if i got stranded on the hwy. Or someone who would ask, how did you do at the show/rodeo?
Last november, my best show horse became ill with colic at 1:30 in the morning. She was going down to her knees and i knew she would die if i did not get her to a vet for surgery. I was in the barn which is about 1000 ft from my house, and i could not bring myself to go and ask him for help. I was in a panic, and called my sister, (whom lives 8 miles away) and asked her to come help me get the traier hooked up to the truck, so i could get the horse loaded and drive her over 2 hrs away to get the surgury she needed. I did get her to the vet on time and she lived, but i cannot help but feel resentment toward him because he has never been there to help me when i needed it most. I feel that i gave so much of my life to helping him, and now i get nothing in return. He is so selfish. Then i think about other times in out life together when i thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I don't know what happened!
How do i start over again. I don't know if i can live without him in my life, but i don't want to live the rest of my life with someone that cannot love me as much as he does himself. I am soooooo confused, i don't even know how i feel
Anybody else out there been where i am now?
<Michael - changed posting to lower case>
Re:CAN I BE ON THIS SITE? SugarSweet: Well Tammik, here goes round three… I have attempted to post twice now, and somehow… in a blink of an eye the whole thing disappears before I have the chance to hit the button. (Apparently some sort of initiation, being my first post) This is my final attempt, and I hope that it works this time…
I cannot pretend to know how you feel exactly, so how about I tell you how I felt, and I think you can see that I can relate… at least a tiny bit.
When things were getting to the breaking point with my ex and I, I felt shattered; I was stunned at my feeling of failure. Not just failure that my marriage was falling apart, but failure to recognize the mental abuse that I had continually let myself be exposed to year after year, time after time. Each time I would make excuses, each time I would put him first… and every time I did that, I lost a little more of myself. (I see this now. It took me sometime.)
I had married a man that was supposed to be my everything, and I was supposed to be his. I was there for him, I gave him what he said he needed, I gave him my blood sweat and tears, in the belief that our vows meant that when I really needed him… he would undoubtedly be there for me. So eventually the time came… I really needed him.
I could not ask him. I could not bring myself to be disappointed. In my heart, I knew that even if I asked, that he would not be there for me.
You know in your heart what you should do, (the choice is all yours.) You life is yours, and only you can be responsible for the way it turns out.
I am sorry about your dog, but I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Have faith in yourself. Love yourself, and surround yourself with people who want you to be happy.
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