Bear with me guys, this isn't easy. superwife: So at any point on ojar, there is at least one active thread about cheaters, cheating, and how we all feel about those who do it or have done it. As one who was cheated on in my marriage, I am just as affected by it as the rest of you are. We all agree that cheating is wrong, bad, weak, shows a lack of respect, ability to communicate, etc. We all agree that it inexcusable, and many maintain 'under any circumstances'.
For those of you who don't know, let me tell you about how I met my stbxh. He hit on me, while I was married (to xh #1). I was 21 yrs old (married for a year and a half). I can make all the excuses in the world about what was going on in my life at the time, but it shouldn't make a difference, (but a lot was going on). My brother had commited suicide a year earlier. I was out of work and could not get a job as a nurse (I had failed my licensure exam), and finally started working (but not doing what I dreamed of doing). Both of these things affected me very heavily. I won't even discuss my xh #1 (let's just say, I'm not so good at picking 'em). Met at 16, engaged at 18, married at 20 (not a shotgun either).
So if you haven't put 2 and 2 together, I'll spell it out: I was a cheater. I still maintain that I was not happy in marriage #1, or I would not have been tempted to cheat. By no means am I justifying my actions. I know 'my reasons' but they are not valid to some, I suppose. He gave me the attention I was not getting at home. He liked me. I liked him (so did everyone else, but he 'chose' the married one). I was some type of conquest to him, I guess. At first, I did not expect it to be anything at all, just flirting and maybe fooling around. But the more I liked him, the more I disliked my husband. The more fault I found in him. He was not perfect, of course. He was stubborn, had a temper, and was verbally abusive at times. We were visiting his mother in Vegas a month before the first tiem I left, and we had a huge blowout. He did not talk to me for 2 days (while we were staying in her house). I wanted to leave then, I should have just gotten on a plane and came home. (I guess I am justifying my actions).
So I finally couldn't take it anymore. Things with the 'new guy' were getting very intense. It was more than just a fing. I left my husband. Coincidentally, I reached the point where I was not putting up with his verbal abuse anymore, so it made it easier for me to leave. I left him once, moved back home for a week, came back in time for our 2 yr anniversary. He asked me to come back, he never apologized for any of his actions (he never was good at that). Our 2 yr anniversary was uneventful. I stuck around for another two months, then the sh*t hit the fan again. When he threw the remote control across the room in a fit of rage, I spent the night on the couch, and packed my bags the next day. I never looked back. He never asked me to look back either. I have no idea what he knew, we had no contact ever again. Our divorce was straightforward: no house, no kids, no debt, not much money to speak of (it was all mine).
Sure it was easier for me to leave. I had someone else waiting in the wings. Someone who wanted me, loved me, respected me, told me what I wanted to hear (b/c he knew what not to do, b/c I poured my heart out to him about my ex). ANd I fell for it. I left at the end of September, 1996, (at 22) and was remarried March 1998 (24). WTF??
So it's been 10 years, and over the last 1 1/2 yrs, this has haunted me. Karma has taken a huge bite out of my ass. It took 9 years to bite me. I had 9 good years: we were happy, had a house, a good career, a beautiful daughter. But it caught up to me. I had no idea how much it hurt to be cheated on, and how wrong it was, until the shoe was on the other foot.
When I read the "is cheating justified' thread, it just reminded me, yet again, of how hurtful it can be. He too, like ex #2, was not able to please me (FYI, I am able to be pleased...ask anyone who has recently accomplished that feat :D). But seriously, for a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. Ex #1 told me there was something wrong with me.
Is it ever justifiable, I wonder? Was it in my case? Many who know about it tell me that I am way too hard on myself: I was too young, he was an asshole (those who knew him concur), you were only together for 2 years, I had just experienced such a tragic loss, etc.
And now, the one that really gets to me, is the old saying "once a cheat, always a cheat". ??? :-\. I don't feel I need to convince anyone that I will never do it again. I know I will not. There was nothing more hurtful in my life than what my husband did to me.
So our marriage started out unfaithful and it ended unfaithful. :-\
Re: Bear with me guys, this isn't easy. Spike: Well, K, I have to admit that took a lot of balls. I admire you for that.
Re: Bear with me guys, this isn't easy. darkrose: I spent a LONG time writing this...This might come across as harsh but.....
IMO cheating is never justified. All the excuses in the world doesn't make up for it. If you weren't happy in the marriage or with your first husband, why didn't you just leave? Yeah yeah, I know there's a lot more to it than that..but did your 2nd husband really give you the courage to leave or just a place to go when you did leave?
I think what a lot of people miss in the whole cheating thread (and I really don't know how to articulate this, so bear with me) is that words are words. I know my stbxw denied and STILL denies the fact that she's carrying on with this kid of hers..at least to me.. but she's told people she thinks she can trust..who have told me..and I have enough evidence to burn her at the stake if that's what I want..but that's besides the point. That's the problem. Cheating isn't about the physical act of intercourse with someone else, it's about the emotional breakdown in the committed relationship. It's about the lies, the deceit..The broken trust..the witholding of emotion. All that stuff is what causes the problem.
I do admire you for this post though (and a lot of others, actually). This one must have taken a lot of courage to post.
Re: Bear with me guys, this isn't easy. superwife: Not nearly as harsh as I expected (not from you personally). I can take it. I wouldn't have posted otherwise. I know how tough this crowd can be.
Why didn't I leave?? Who knows? I guess at the time it was something that would pass. Did I need someone to point out how unhappy I was? Someone who would ten years later do the same to me? Did he give me the courage?? Probably not, but yeah, it gave me someone to 'fall back' on (just like he has someone to fall back on). Would I have otherwise left?? I can't answer that. I'd like to think yes, but hey, I didn't leave #2, and only relaized after the fact that it was a bad situation. But as bad as it was, the thought never crossed my mind about leaving #2 (or being unfaithful).
And more important than the physical and sexual thing, was the emotional disconnect. It was so not about sex. I opened up to #2 so much, much more than I ever did with #1. And I thought that set the tone for our future together. I though we would always have that ability to communicate. Once again, I was sorely mistaken.
Re: Bear with me guys, this isn't easy. drowned: The ever so clear saying of "you live and learn", applies in all pasts not just yours SC...It's all a part of getting to know yourself and the situations that present themselves while you are doing that. Everyone is right you have some courage posting this up.
...let me voice an opinion if I may.
I believe in all honesty the way your two previous marriages came to be....a third (if there is one), will have NO drama attached to it...you won't let it. You're wiser now and you have the experience that counts to be in a successful relationship....that is a gift from the past you will always have whether you like it or not..good or bad....SC screw kharma!
drowned
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