Single for the first time... SingledomRookie: Hi all,
I'm a newbie to this board and have been lurking over the last couple of days to get a feel for whether I wanted to post about myself. It seems like you all are really supportive, so I thought I would give it a try! I have a pretty good support system of family and friends, but it's hard for them to know what I'm going through. I feel like I am in need of support from people who can relate!
I'm 29 and have been divorced from my husband of 3 years since May. We actually had been together since I was 15 (yes, that's a 14 year relationship, almost half my life). We got along really well, probably because I'm an agreeable, non-confrontational person and he's a really friendly, outgoing, loving guy. We bought a house a year after we were married and I realized that some of past problems that I thought were resolved or would go away with responsibility of being in a marriage. Yeah, right. So, with the house, it was really evident that I was taking care of most everything. I did most of the chores, and when we got a dog, I took care of her. I realized how it might be if we had kids. I started to realize, is this what I want with my life? To be in a 80/20 relationship, where I'm shouldering most of the responsibilities? My husband going from job to job, money being spent with nothing to show for it (which I found out later was gambling and cocaine use...devastating). Trouble holding a job, it seemed like it was never his fault -- he got "laid off." There's more to this, but those are the key issues. Basically, he never got a chance to grow up. I grew up for both of us. And, he doesn't realize how lies destroy trust, which destroys marriage. (DUH!)
I confronted him about those things (money, drugs, laziness), told him the lies had to stop and he had to step up or we were not going to last. That was September 2005. This was after I finally confided to a friend how crappy I was feeling about my marriage and life. Telling someone else made me realize how nuts I was to stay in this relationship...I learned that just loving someone and having loyalty because of how long we were together is not enough. There are so many things that should be factored in!
By early April 2006 I filed for divorce. He was shocked (REALLY SHOCKED) but knew exactly why. Said it was his fault and he was sorry. He told me that he never thought I would break up with him. I was his security blanket...he was comfortable because he could leave a job and I'd always be there to make sure we were covered. He even admitted that.
It was a really fast divorce. We settled everything (split 50/50) within a week or two and the divorce was finalized in early May 2006. Yes, only 1 month! A big problem, though. I thought my ex would move back in with his parents. They had just moved to a new house around the time I filed...I timed it that way. Nope! He wanted to stay in the house. I had to as well, I didn't really have another place to stay and I couldn't afford rent and a mortgage.
The plan was to sell the house and split the proceeds. Unfortunately we had to do some work, basically finish some stuff we had started and freshen up other rooms. Of course, I did most of the work, along with my family's help. The house went on the market 3 months later, at the end of July. I was hoping to be out and on my own by the holidays. Miraculously the house sold in a couple weeks! YAY! I bought a townhome and my ex (now unemployed for the last few months) moved in with his parents. I am now living in my new place, it's been a couple of weeks. Just me and my dog. :)
Prior to the move, I was so excited to be on my own and start my new life as a single adult...something I have never experienced before. That I'd be happy once I was finally out of that house, living with my ex. While I really like my new place, my new singledom status is sinking in and it's kinda scary. Really scary. Being the positive thinker, I know I will enjoy myself as a single person, but I've never experienced it before as an adult. I feel like I didn't properly build a circle of friends because I was already "set." I feel a little socially stunted. I'm very grateful for the close friends I do have and for their support, but I still feel closed off from the "real" world. I know time will help, but I would love to hear from you all about this. Any advice or words of encouragement would I'm sure help reduce those panicky moments I'm having these days!
Re: Single for the first time... Peaceandquiet: I don't think there really is an easy way to break into being single again.. not after the many years you have invested. You will go through times when you sit and pace the house just looking for something to keep you occupied...and over time you will find projects to fill the gap between friends and family. Now is the time to discover what you want to do with your life.. to try new things and don't be afraid to try them. When someone asks you to go somewhere.. just go.. you never know when the one time you go out.. you will find something you really enjoy doing..
I wish I had wiser words for you...but its the only thing I can suggest outside the norm.. of join a group.. etc..
Re: Single for the first time... Rain_Gray: You are my hero. You are one of those beautiful success stories that I love to read about. People are probably thinking "Success story? She just got divorced. She lost the life she had built for 14 years." But you are a success story because you realized that your life isn't what you wanted it to be and you had the courage to change it. Now you're out, you've cut your ties, and you're starting over. That takes incredible strength. You're incredibly inspiring.
