Re: Build a wall? Or get hurt again? Beren: Alright, let me give you my take on it, for what it's worth, since I'm not exactly the happiest person on earth right now.
You build a small wall, just to keep the riff-raff out. We hear stories all the time of some con-man or con-woman who tricks someone out of their life savings because they were too trusting. Very rarely does true love come easily, and when it does, very rarely can you destroy it by slowing things down a bit to get to really know the person. So, yeah, a small wall is in order. Maybe just an attractive picket fence will do.
Make sure your wall or fence has a gate. You're not making a prison here. You want to be able to let people in or out without too much fuss.
The big killer, I think, isn't about walls, but pride. People think that if you have developed affection for a person, but that person doesn't reciprocate, then you're a loser. It's a disappointment, to be sure, but why must it be anything more than that? No one owes it to you to like you any more than they feel motivated to like you on their own. Your affection is not intrinsically such a tremendous gift that the other person is a damnable bastard for not reciprocating. The value of your affection is whatever value the recipient assigns to it. The question is, then, is what is the cost to you? I say, other than lost pride, it's close to nothing. Shakespeare wrote, "For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
The people I know with high stone walls around them are the same people with too much pride. They can't stand the idea of "losing." They complain a lot about people playing games, but they themselves are some of the biggest game players I've ever seen. They set up so many rules about who's supposed to do what and when, and they get angry when the other person carries on blissfully unaware of the expectations.
In short, I think openness is a good way to go, and it's easier to be open when you're not too full of yourself.
Beren
Build a wall? Or get hurt again? ezydriver: I hear so much about opening your heart again, boldly. I also hear so much about learning from past mistakes and being careful. I also read about people who build walls up to protect them from the pain.
Problem is, how can you protect yourself or learn from your mistakes without building up a wall? It seems wrong to build a wall but it is impossible not to, unless you enjoy pain.
What do we do? What is the answer? Do we build a small wall? A big one? None at all?
If its painful to fall in love because of fear, but foolish to put up a wall, what do we do?
Re: Build a wall? Or get hurt again? Peaceandquiet: Someone told me the other day.. Maybe we build walls just to see who cares enough to try and tear them down....
Re: Build a wall? Or get hurt again? fly: I like that PQ..
Actually I love that statement. I am going to use that one.
Re: Build a wall? Or get hurt again? yella: Hmmm... I'm a wall builder. I admit that, but for me, right now, it's what I need because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I think it's good to put up a wall when you're not ready for a relationship, but when you are, I agree with Beren, make sure it has a door or a gate. ;)
Good theory.
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