3 Years yella: It's been almost 3 years since we've spoken, and somehow your ghost still stays with me.
You, hands down, were the love of my life. I've never found anyone else like you, and probably never will. We were like two kids in high school again just finding love for the first time.
Remember the cow? I swore it was in a barn, you argued it was in an outhouse. I was determined to win that argument, so I made something to cover the "symbol" up. I was just as stubborn and competitive then as I am now. That's never changed.
That's how we got started. Remember too the memory I was supposed to hold for you? I remember the day you took my hand and put it over the memory to keep safe as you worked on other things. I often wondered why you did that, but it felt good.
I remember the first day you told me that my smile was beautiful. It was exactly the thing I needed to hear.
I remember the scent I was wearing when it all began, and whenever I smell it on someone else, it triggers memories. Some of the sweetest I've ever had.
Remember the night on the jetty? It was a perfectly clear, warm night. There was no moon, no clouds, and seemingly no noise. We looked up and saw the stars. The brightest stars I've ever seen, and there were so many. You got off on a tangent talking and asking about how large the universe was and asking if it had an end to it. I remember the words you said. I remember putting my hand gently on the side of your face, and pulling you towards mine to kiss you. That smile you gave is still etched in my memory.
I remember facing you that night... our hearts touching. Your hands were around me, and open on my back. Sometimes I can still feel them. They were so warm and seemed to completely cover me. We hugged and I looked up. The stars were there... so many stars. We were under what looked like the milky way. I remember looking up, and trying so hard to hold that moment and make it last a lifetime because it was so perfect. I looked up, saw the stars, and thanked God for that moment. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it had to end, but it was so perfect.
I'll never in my life forget that moment. It's with me permanently, and I often wonder if you have it too. I wonder if you ever think of me, as I think of you. It's still at least once a day. Even after all this time.
I know our "relationship" wasn't meant to be, but I'm still thankful for it, no matter how much the memories hurt sometimes. I really wanted you to be the one for me. You were the one my soul connected to, and in many ways it still is. I know deep within my heart that we were soul mates, but I also know that we'll never have that chance again because of what I did to you. For that, I'm sorry. My punishment now is having those memories, and living with your ghost. No matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it.
I'll never find anyone like you, and I know that now. You were special. The most special person to me. I fell deeply in love with you, but I also still work each day to fully let you go. But you don't seem to permanently leave. Will you always be here? Will I always think of you? Will you always haunt me? Will anyone ever look at me again the way you did?
The oddest part of all of this is exactly 3 years ago, I had this same type of cold. I lost my voice in the same way, and felt the same physically. Why is that? How did it happen?
I've loved like this once since you, and it ended before it really began. So many times I wanted to erase that because it was such a waste. I let my guard down, and I got hurt. I so wish I could go back in time and erase that, but I can't. I can only keep fighting to forget, but it's hard to do when it brought back these reminders. But someday... someday I can move forward from it. I'll keep working until I do.
Until then, I can't give what I should be able to. I wonder if I ever will again, but I know that it isn't going to happen now. It's just not my time. I accept that. I accept the fact that I can't give something I'm not ready to give. I can't force myself into something that isn't meant to happen. I'm smarter now than I was then, but I still can't seem to forget you.
I always wish I could say how sorry I am for the pain I caused you. I know you'll never want to hear it from me, but I hope, one day, that you'll know. I hope one day that I can be free of this, and move on with the rest of my life without the haunting of you.
