this weekend icwtsmnl: what were you thinking at the wedding on Saturday? when the priest was talking about what love is? when he said it was kind, giving, not jealous, not harboring anger, etc. and you whispered to me jokingly "he has no idea what love is". and i giggled, partially because it was funny, partially because i have this need to please you sometimes. but didn't you find any truth in it? didn't you take a LESSON from what he was saying and think to yourself, "maybe i should try harder not to be jealous, or harbor ill will, or be quick to anger and be kind"? or maybe you WERE thinking that, and thought I might be thinking it too, which made you feel guilty or uncomfortable and joking was your defense mechanism.
I guess maybe i should have been happy because in your heart you DO love me, but you know we do those "bad things" above, so you said "that's not what love really is".
but what bothered me is that during that ceremony, i wasn't thinking to myself, "i hope that's me and M up there one day. i wonder what our ceremony will be like". i was actually thinking, i don't want to marry him. i don;t want to spend my life like this. I honestly love you and hoped for our future, but I can't seem to overlook these problems. and i don't know what to do. i feel sick.
i wanted to tell you this Sat night when I didn't want to have sex, but i am so afraid of yet another confrontation, and i didn't want to ruin the weekend. also, i know what the answer is. i just dont want to face it.
and then K said to you "good luck with this one"?? did that mean that even MY girlfriends think its ME that really is the problem? this is another thing that prevents me from ending it all. maybe its me.
i feel so lost. no one can make a decision for me and no one can really tell me what to do because they're not in my shoes. i want romantic love, i want someone less defensive, and someone who keeps his word. my clock is ticking, i don't know where to go.
Re: this weekend icwtsmnl: I feel it coming. Right around the corner. I moved up the date, but you don't know about it. am i supposed to tell you? maybe i don't want to. maybe i want you to fail so that i can really get out of this.
i spent all night in bed thinking and in the shower, and in the car, and on my couch and at my desk, thinking. it makes me stressed and nauseous. it makes me sad, but relieved. i will be so sad afterwards and wondering if i made a mistake, but the bottom line remains: not only do you still live there, you are not doing anything to change that. i don't care what you INTENDED to do; it's what you actually DO that matters.
i'm going to show up there. maybe THAT will speed up the end.
i wish i was strong. i wish i wasn't human.
i have rights as a person, as part of a relationship. no matter what, i have to remember that. lay low until Nov 30. give him no excuses that i nagged or demanded his time. no excuses. have to look out for me now.
Re: this weekend allmusic76: These really sound like things he should hear.
I speak from experience when I say, that sometimes the things that are left unsaid are very dangerous... and do a lot of damage.
I still have NO idea why my gf left me. None whatsoever. That hurts more than the fact that she did leave me.
You can't resolve problems unless you face them.
Re: this weekend icwtsmnl: he knows all of this, trust me. none of this will come as a surprise to him.
Re: this weekend allmusic76: Oh ok.... JUST making sure.
I was blindsided, and had NO idea whatsoever.
Sorry for the assumption... it makes an Ass out of Me and Me ;)
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