Need Advice? yaz: My husband left our home 3 weeks ago to find himself. Find out if he wants to be a single guy or a married guy, and then...i guess...eventually...a guy who's married to me or not. I know I love him, and think if he could make everything right again (meaning, becoming forthright and talking to me as well as his therapist about wtf is going on, *really* try to save our marriage) I would want him back. But here's the thing, after 6 months of torture (him saying should i stay or go or what), he finally left. And its been rough -- but not as rough as when I was living with him and the pain and rejection and confusion of everyday. We are amicable and nice to eachother -- even warm -- but there's another dealbreaker in the mix (besides the fact that he can't figure out if he wants me, of course): after 7 years of marriage, he's *thinks* he's changed his mind about having kids and maybe doesn't want them afterall. I do.
So now, 6 months after the bomb dropped and 3 weeks since he's officially left, I'm trying to *sort of* move on with my life. And sincec I haven't had a say-so in any of these life changing events and revelations, I've been learning to roll with the punches. Its hard and sad and I can't believe what's happened -- but I've got to accept he may never come back.
When we initially seperated, we thought (foolishly) we'd see eachother once a week. Mind you, we're *allowed* to date other people. Just not *allowed* to ask or talk about it with eachother. Now I find I have no desire to see him. I mean, really, I have no desire to get sucked in again to all the pain and heartache. I can barely talk to him on the phone without crying. I just get so overwhelemed. So I've pushed back our weekly meetings and I haven't seen him since he left. But yesterday, he called and said he thought it was very important that we see eachhother. Even telling me that if we didn't, what we had was just going to wither away. But I know if I see him, it will all tumble backwards on me. Or, I'll put up a brave front and struggle to keep it up for the whole time. But I feel like he's saying if it dies, its on me now. What I've said is -- once you've figured out what you want, then lets meet. To decide if we should get back together, or go forward with breaking up. But I don't want to witness anymore of the "process". Help me. Am I right. Advice? Is no contact always best? Or is ot best only once you've thrown in the towel?
Re: Need Advice? Feel: You don't deserve to be put on the side lines while he finds himself... especially since you had a 7 year marriage, there was nothing there to keep you guys apart, no kids that were pulling left to right and no arguments about which parent is right and who is better etc....
did you have money issues? as we all do, you run away from that and what ends up happening is that issue becomes worse... involving lawyers and what have you!
So he needs to find himslef.... ok, 3 weeks, does he even miss you. are you guys still in the marriage seen, as long as there is no seperation agreement then in my eyes he is cheating if he dates anyone elses of visa versa......
Re: Need Advice? kimberly: You are doing the right thing! Absolutely! Don't see him, let him know you are not something to do on the side while he "finds himself" or dates other people! If you cut off ties you show self respect and that you will not tolerate his crap, he will be forced to make his decision sooner rather than later (dragging you along for who knows how long)!
If he has any love for you he will respect your reasons for not seeing him. If he pressures you or tries to blame you for ending the relationship just let him walk. Sounds like he wants to keep you right where you are as a little safety net in case he falls flat on his a$$. Stay strong and show him how confident and secure you are with yourself. I'd lay bets a few weeks of wondering what you're up to will bring him back. *not that you should take him back*.
Re: Need Advice? yaz: we actually didn't have money issues. No debt. No mortgage -- cuz no house. No kids. We don't make loads of money, but we've always had enough to do what we wanted to.
it started with the issue of kids. one day he told me he changed his mind about having them and we wnt to a marriage counselor to sort that out, and he ended up looking at me and saying, i don't know if i want to be married to you anymore. That part was really out of the blue for me.
We got together at 20. Moved in at 22. Married at 26. I think he feels like he missed opportunities. On a human level, I get it. He says he didn't really want to get married, but he was afraid he'd lose me.
What u said about dating, I understand. In fact, I went on a "date" over the weekend and the guy said -- look, when you're legally seperated, I'd love to date you, but...
But our arrangement is -- we can see other people. Writing this, I'm getting some clarity. If he's dating other women -- he can't date his wife as well. He just can't have it both ways.
Re: Need Advice? kimberly: [quote author=yaz link=topic=36543.msg389088#msg389088 date=1161632041">
he missed opportunities. On a human level, I get it. He says he didn't really want to get married, but he was afraid he'd lose me.
But our arrangement is -- we can see other people. Writing this, I'm getting some clarity. If he's dating other women -- he can't date his wife as well. He just can't have it both ways.
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That's right! Don't let him have his cake and eat too. If he wants to date other women then he should have the balls to end it with the one he's with. Stringing you along like that is really $hitty.
