7 years and told i'm not to blame... lonewolf: Hi all,
I've read the many posts here the past few days and emphasize on many issues posted here, now i feel i should share mine.
I saw the love of my life for the last time today, this morning, 8:30 am.
We were high school sweethearts, now we're both 25. 7 years together. She has been nothing but good to me all this time. I look back now and wish i was a better partner but still, she dedicated her life to me no matter my fault.
Up until last year. August.
My partner at the time scored her dream job and had to move states. At the same time i was in college and had to stay. We agreed i would fly every weekend to see her, which was no problem at all.
Then the bombshell: a now former friend tells me a girl from the past wanted to catch up with High School friends, and of course asked about me. The former friend told her i'm practically married, and had little time, but will tell me anyway. So he does.
Now I KNOW I FEEL NOTHING FOR THIS GIRL. So i thought it was harmless to meet her, but, as circumstances prevailed, had to meet her at her house.
NOTHING HAPPENED! This i swear on my grave, the grave of my parents, and if you're religious, swear to the almighty Jesus Christ. I didn't go with the intention of sleeping with her. I went to have a honest to goodness chat. I also wanted to know WHY i felt something for her in the first place, when last year and even NOW i know i feel nothing for her.
My now-ex and i ALWAYS had this policy: be truthful to one another. SO i told her what happened. In her history her parents had a messy divorce due to her father's infedility and that was her greatest fear. So i knew i had stuffed up when i told her what happened. i didn;t know then, but knew as soon as i saw her face.
I don't blame her for it now, but last year she broke up with me after that. I was a mess, feeling guilty for something i didn't even do (cheating), but most of all, i felt guilty for LETTING HER DOWN.
After a couple of days she agreed to take me back. I adjusted my behaivour. I scheduled classes and now-work to coincide with her. If ever she needed me i would drop everything, even if i was at work. I gave her tons of money whenever she fell into debt, she would never ask for it but i always transferred it into her account anyway and she appreciated it.
In fact, i went out of my way to make sure I WAS THERE FOR HER. I wanted to be the best man i could be.
The last year we spent, since the first break up, was the best year we ever spent together. We were in a different state, spent all of our time togethter, exploring a new city, discovering new things together.
So much so she decided we should get married.
Re: 7 years and told i'm not to blame... (long) lonewolf: But another obstacle - her dream job offered her another position, overseas for 4 months, with the promise of more money. I hated for her to go, but in an attempt to be the best person i could be for her, told her i'm, not going to keep her from her dream, i'll always be here to support her no matter what.
She left in July - after a teary goodbye to myself and her family, with her telling me she can't wait to come back and start our lives together.
We spoke everyday for 3 months. Still she kept her promises of wanting to be together forever. She reiterated the fact that even though the incident last year hurt, she would go through it all over again if it would guarantee our love would be this strong.
She came back 2 weeks ago - and she was different. I felt it as soon as she walked out of the airport tunnel. She was less cuddly. Days after she would not return messages or phone calls.
Last monday i went to see her to see what was up. She tells me she doesn't love me anymore and we were over.
How? WHy? So many questions and like many here, i am now in funk and feel like i will never escape from here.
For a week i've locked myself in my room and cried the days out - non stop. But now i've come to terms with myself that she's gone and never coming back.
She collected her stuff yesterday. And told me some things which bother me up to now.
I asked to see me this morning, and she did and we had long walk and talk.
She tells me she stopped loving me over a year ago, when the incident betweem us happened. SHe tells me i've become this beautiful person she's always dreamed about being, but i was not for her anymore. All the times that i was there for her organizing my life around her was unfair to me, she started to find it annoying she said .
She tells me she needs to find herself. The 4 months alone in another country opened her eyes, especially to our relationship. I know there's not another guy. I would know from her touch that would be so.
She tells me i'm not to blame. In fact, she thanks me for the incident we both hated so much last year, for letting her understand herself better, but she still needs to find herself. She does not want to be what i ant her to be or what her mom wants her to be, she wants to be her for her.
She says she told me all those thoughts of marriage and how much she loves me and the planning of kids/dogs/cars she did it all for me, not for her, and now she says she dragged me through this and is sorry she didn't do it sooner.
Now i'm stuck in a rut, to the point i'm thinking harmful thoughts to myself. She says its not about me and that i didn't do it, that its all her.
But i feel to blame. After all, if i didn't listen to the former friend, i wouldn't of gone to the other girls house - triggering my partner to develop feelings of drifting from me in the first place.
Is this normal? Am i wrong i'm to blame even though she ended everything and made me believe everything is alright? I love her to death and i know i always will, but knowing i lost her because of some assumption is absolutely killing me at the moment... to the point where i wonder if i should seek professional help.
Sorry for the long post. Can you please offer me some advice?
Re: 7 years and told i'm not to blame... (long) chum: I was with my ex for 13 years and had the same thing happen pretty much. He acted like everything thing was fine, then one day just said he was done he didn't love me like that anymore. It's hard but you can't blame yourself...you could still be going through this even if that didn't happen last year.
Try to find something positive to focus on no matter what it is. You need to take care of yourself as hard as that maybe. The days do get easier but you can't rush a broken heart...it heals in it's own time
Re: 7 years and told i'm not to blame... (long) idocsteve: I don't think that her actions had anything to do with the "incident". Stop beating yourself up over that. Maybe you over reacted and tried to be too nice. By catering to her every need, you may have come across as weak, and not as attractive to her. And I think there may have been something going on overseas.
Re: 7 years and told i'm not to blame... (long) lonewolf: I think you're right Steve. My own mother said the same thing to me when i told her what happened. Had to move back here after the relationship, so you can imagine where my pride is at the moment.
My ex said the same thing this morning, the last conversation we had before 'friends'. She needs someone to 'grab hold' of their life, and not 'cruise' through it as i do. She says i'm too mellow! I've done all i can for her! She wanted someone to always be there for her and i've mended to it!
I still feel her actions is a result of the incident. In fact, it is as she says so. In a way i'm glad she did this before we got married and had kids (only planned four months away from now, February.)
It just hurts and i feel guilty to lose to things that never took place. She gave up on me after seven years. But i feel to blame for giving her a reason to leave.
Chum, how did/do you cope? Being HS sweethearts, everything i do reminds me of her. SHe's all i've known, her 'right arm' as she said so herself. How long were you guys together?
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