steps toward divorce clambakesX: I moved out 2.5 years ago, to a place an hour away from X.
We stayed in touch, mostly for practical reasons. And there was the thing about both knowing the other's family, and no background explanations necessary. So picking up the phone when there was some issue was comfortable and easy. Neither of us wanted a divorce based on his country's law. (It would be like being socially divorced but retaining material obligations, so if he applied for welfare in 30 years they'd come find me and make me pay up, even if it was some other woman who'd ruined him.)
I took a job I thought would transition me back to the US.
That didn't work out the way I'd thought. Now I'm starting to apply for jobs directly in the US.
It's weird - and a relief - and scary to be taking steps that will get me closer to freedom. Yeah, he's worked a lot on himself, and sometimes I've wondered if it wouldn't work out in the long run, but time and again he's come out with zingers that remind me it's best to be far, far away. He's so much like my mother: soul is a vacuum held at absolute zero.
We talked on Sunday. I said I could really use some encouragement about the work stuff I'm going through. He couldn't find it in him, and got upset with me for requesting it.
The idea of being single-single is scary. Being still-married has been a terrific cop-out. I don't want a relationship, but I hate missing touch and knowing there's truly no option. At least being still-married, it was some external thing.
I can't talk to friends about this, since they either don't know we still had so much contact, or they're mutual friends who presumed we'd get back together. Even on Ojar, heck, there are people who came on the same time I did, and by now are well into their next relationships.
At the grocery store today, I =still= had trouble figuring out what =I= wanted to eat. That seems to come up when the emotional stuff is hard. My gourd, he was so restrictive, without meaning to be. This summer we met to go over tax stuff, and I suggested we get sushi take-out. He offered to pick it up, I wrote down what I wanted and started to hand him money. He said, no no, he wanted to treat me. Okay, sure. He came back with the most measly little tray of crammed-together sushi, NOTHING like what this place usually packs up for me, and he only spent a few euros less than what I usually do. That was so symbolic of his entire freaking approach to life. No sense of abundance, just lots and lots of stress and restriction, and then surprise and fear when someone else does big stuff with less resources.
I've come incredibly far in the past few years, but still have so much unwinding to do.
Re: steps toward divorce idocsteve: 
Re: steps toward divorce wtfjusthappenned: take solice in your work. i have found, at least for me, it's sometimes nice at the end of the day at work. knowing that, i knew my job, people still came for instruction, advice , or direction. i think it's ok to not deal with the personal hell for a while, take some time off and relax at work! wow, this sounds more dimented than when i first started typing it!
Re: steps toward divorce lonewolf: [quote author=wtfjusthappenned link=topic=36559.msg389367#msg389367 date=1161664752">
take solice in your work. i have found, at least for me, it's sometimes nice at the end of the day at work. knowing that, i knew my job, people still came for instruction, advice , or direction. i think it's ok to not deal with the personal hell for a while, take some time off and relax at work! wow, this sounds more dimented than when i first started typing it!
[/quote">
I wish i could do that. I stayed at my current place of employment, put off the career i've always wanted, to please her as she 'wanted to start our lives together'. I was secure here in this job and it pays well, which would lead to a deposit for a house quicker. Then once marriage was settled i would pursue my career.
But now she's gone.
I want out of this job now. If the OP feels take can take that advice then its fine. I personally can't take 'solice' in my work.
Re: steps toward divorce wtfjusthappenned: mostly i was talking about the relax part. and i mean by not pacing the house, anxious about what's going to happen next, will things be ok...etc, etc. hell, i left my last job to take this one for her, and it pays A LOT less than where i was before. but if you really can't take pride or any enjoyment where you work, i suggest at the least, take naps!....but seriously, work sucks, that's why they call it work! life's too short to be stuck doing something we hate. i think it's safe to say everyone that comes here as enough issues going on, then to have to wake up dreading one more thing everyday. i will say though, at this moment in our lives, it may or may not be the best time to be making serious decisions that effect the other parts of our lives, that we know will have to continue after the dust settles on our failed relationships. only you really know if that's whats best for you...
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