Is this Damaging to My Daughter- Or am I Overreacting??? (GLC): Hi all.
SORRY IT IS SO LONG!
I think I need some feedback here. I will try to set up the situation with as little emotion as possible, and with as few words as possible :-\.
I was married for 10 years and have a 9 year old son and a 6 year old daughter that I have custodial guardianship of. Basically, they see their dad every-other-weekend and he has absolutly no contact with them for the two weeks that go between visits.
1 year ago, he told me that he was going to stay at his sister's house to watch her children while she was out of town. He never came home again. I discovered that instead he was staying in the apartment of a girl that worked at his gym that is over 10 years his junior. He never told myself or his children that he was leaving, I had to share the news with the children for him.
Obviously, I sought a divorce.
During the 6 month divorce process and the sale of our family home I allowed the children to stay in this girl's apartment every other weekend so that they could see their father.
Because I understand how important it is that the children continue a relationship with their father, I have chosen to grit my teeth and ignore the terminology that my children use when they come home.... they are very rude (acting like snotty teenagers) and they both tell me I am "evil". Which is the way this young girl, that they stay with, speaks.
My 6 year daughter tells me that "E" (Ex-husband's girlfriend) tells my daughter she is evil on a daily basis while with her.....
Besides the "evil" thing, the attitude change, and the fact that my children are always taken to school by my XH or his girlfriend the Monday following these visits extremely filthy (my daughter is usually wearing the same underwear that I put on her the Friday before).
Besides these annoyances, I have never thought I had a real problem.
Until now.
I am well aware that my ex-husband is an atheist, while raising the children together it was not a problem because I would give the children all the options they needed to choose thier own beliefs. I am in no way a devout Christian, but I am not an athiest either. I tell them exactly why we celebrate Christmas and teach them in a way that always begins with "Some people believe....." When my children have told me they believe in God, I support them.
Just weeks ago, my step-dad, their "Grandpa" died. My kids were extremely close to this man, as they have spent way more time with him then thier father in the last year. When he died we gave the small gold crucifix that he always wore to my daughter. She held tight to it for many days while he was dying and all through the services. She told me she would never take it off. I supported that.
She came home from her visit with her father and "E" yesterday. As I was unpacking her pack, the crucifix fell out onto the bed, in which my daughter immediatly responded with what must be "parroted" behavior. She raised up her hand and made her eyes wide in a mocking gesture and said "That's the JEEEEZUS CROSS".
I asked her why she was talking about her necklace with such a mean-sounding tone in her voice. She shrugged. I then asked her if someone had shown her to talk about her necklace that way. She said "yes, "E".
My ex-husband's girlfriend is basically mocking and ridiculing my daughter for wearing her grandfather's crucifix.
Now, I have heard of forcing religion upon others but- forcing children NOT to believe in God!!!???
I am so upset.
I am seriously considering getting a restraining order against her. I want my kids to see thier father, but do I have to allow this person to have influenece on my kids..... I'm not even sure that this "influence" is not brain-washing or abuse.
It sickens me that my daughter is being taught to be ashamed of or even hatefull toward a crucifix.
Please Give Some Feedback.
Re: Is this Damaging to My Daughter- Or am I Overreacting??? td7629: Welcome GLC.. Have your children been going to any sort of counseling since the separation? Perhaps you can discuss this with the counselor to get their feedback..I have had the same doubts you are having with my ex husband and whether it was healthy or not to be in the environment that they were in. You say they live in an apt.. How many bedrooms? What are the living conditions like?
Re: Is this Damaging to My Daughter- Or am I Overreacting??? CDNgurl: GLC - you sound like such a strong person. I commend you for the way you have handled things.
I am not sure there is much you can do about this situation, other than to document it and be sure you are talking with your children about your beliefs, and about right and wrong. Surely embarassing a child for their beliefs falls into the "wrong" category.
Just know that you will be the major influential figure in your children's lives-and it appears to me that you are doing a great job so far.
Re: Is this Damaging to My Daughter- Or am I Overreacting??? (GLC): CDNgurl-
Thanks for your comments!!! It makes me feel better, because sometimes I do not feel very strong.
I will suck it up and continue to show my kids what great little people they already are and continue to grow to be.
td7629-
Up until this month, my children were sleeping on "E"s couch during visits. Now, my Ex and "E" have a new town house, though my children share a room.
Only my son has been to counseling....he began playing the role of "Man of the House" and completely stopped acting like a boy after his father left.... it was heartbreaking to hear him asking me how I was feeling and if we had enough money for gas in the car......he kept trying to give me his money.... it was something I dealt with immediately.
I think though, after hearing both of your feedback, I am going to get a family counselor right away!!!
I can see it is going to be very important to empower my daughter to stand up to her beliefs and feelings.....which is not easy to do when you are 6 and you are standing up to an "adult".
Re: Is this Damaging to My Daughter- Or am I Overreacting??? td7629: Yes.. I went through a similar situation with my ex and his very odd behavior and not knowing what to do. My children were sleeping on an air mattress for a time over the OW's apartment before they moved.. I flat out told him he better provide a proper place for my children or they would not be coming. As far as the OW and her children and what they are doing to your children you do need to document everything that is going on and inform the counselor. The counseling will help your children with what is going on and also give you documentation to be able to give to the courts if the behavior continues. I hear what you are saying about how divorce makes children grow up so fast.. It is incredibly sad.. Good Luck and Hang in there!
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