any advice? lld: I just found this discussion board and it seems like a good place to come for some new perspectives/insights.
Almost 3 years ago I married a man I met when I was in the Peace Corps in Africa - we had dated there for a while, then done the distance thing for a couple of years...finally he agreed to come to the states to marry and spend a couple of years getting to know my culture/country. We had an extremely difficult relationship here trying to work through cultural differences and his adjusting to the different type of life in the US. We didn't really fight, but there was a lot of tension in our home and it seemed like we were always walking on eggshells trying not to offend each other. I had always agreed to go back and live in his country in a few years because I feel it would be a better place to settle and raise a family - and because I enjoy living abroad and he has a difficult time adjusting to new things.
He had difficulties with immigration here (he came here on a fiance visa, we married within the specified time limit and everything we did was legal, but we got stuck in bureaucratic red tape)...for a time he was here legally but had no permission to work or and we were in limbo waiting for immigration to approve everything. He was bored and stuck in the house alone, and I had a significant burden being the sole breadwinner and helping him try to adjust to life in the states - I often felt like he was dependent on me for everything - including his happiness. Our congressman intervened and we finally got proper documentation from immigration, but it was too late. My husband felt unwanted in this country and couldn't imagine spending any more time here. In the 2 1/2 years he was here he met no one from his country and has had a very difficult time making friends. In May, he decided that he had to go back to his country immediately because it had all gotten to be too much for him. 2 weeks later I learned that I was pregnant and I really wanted to give birth to the child (my first) in this country. We decided that he should go and visit his country for a couple of months, then come back for the birth of the child and we could go back to his country together when the child was several months old. I paid for a plane ticket for him to go home - 3 weeks into his visit he informed me that he couldn't bear the thought of coming back here and he had decided to stay in his country. He told me I could come there later if I wanted, but he would not push me into anything. He seemed rather noncommital about it all and never even said he was sorry or asked how I would cope with being pregnant and having the child on my own.
I am so confused and scared about so many things. I understand that he was in a lot of mental and emotional pain in this country, but I also feel very hurt that he is not here to support me during my pregnancy. When he told me that he wasn't coming back he explained that even though being with me and having a family is important, his happiness is more important to him (leaving me to wonder if the 2 are mutually exclusive)..while he has left it open for me to come and join him, I am second guessing if we will ever be happy together.
He has been gone for 2 1/2 months now and we have only talked a few times - I feel as though he is a stranger. It seems as though I am in limbo - not ending the relationship because we are trying to figure out what we want, but we can't even talk face-to-face (a plane ticket to visit there is over $2,500). I have gone an entire month without calling him just because I wanted to see what he would do since I feel he is not committed to the relationship. He called a couple of times and sent a couple of emails, but didn't really say much. Basically "hello, how are you". No "I miss you" or "What's happening" or anything. I'm terrified that if I leave everything here to join him over there after the baby is born that I will find that he is not committed to our relationship and I gave up everything here...There is a HIV/AIDS rate of 30% in his home country and I honestly can't imagine him going without sex for the 9 or 10 months that we would be separated. At the same time, it seems so difficult to give up my dreams of being a family and raising our child together. I'm afraid to make a hasty decision, but every day I am living in this sort of hell where I can't even think about the future because I have no idea what will happen. I don't want to give up prematurely, but it seems like our marriage has kind of fizzled and died.
I also feel like I'm on an island because my situation is so different than most. Does anyone have any words of advice, or comfort, or anything :)
Re: any advice? idocsteve: Tough situation. You are at a fork in the road of life. Should you stay in the US, or should you move to his country? The best I can do for you is suggest that the cost of a plane ticket is small compared to the cost of making the wrong decision. Take a trip out there, either soon, or wait until after you give birth, and bring your child to him. Spend a couple of weeks together. Talk it out, and make your decision after you have gotten more of a feel for what you and he both want.
Anything you decide is going to be a risk. Stay home, and you risk losing your husband. Move to the new country, and you will be giving up all you know for a man that you may not know as well as you think you do.
I hope things work out for you.
Re: any advice? lld: Thanks for the words Steve - the baby is due in February and it may make the most sense to go out there for a little while after the child is born and try to reevaluate it all.
