Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: [quote author=torn-n-2 link=topic=37063.msg397683#msg397683 date=1162747325">
Can a 4 year old really be that manipulative? Possibly she just misses her mommy. It must be really tough on the kid, perhaps a little more compassion and understanding will help. Kids will be kids, I'm sure she'll adjust. I'm not looking forward to sharing my daughter with my ex and his OW. It is a hard thing for everyone involved and the thought of her crying for me when she's upset (even if it's when she's misbehaving) seriously breaks my heart. I only hope this woman will be sympathetic to my childs confusion and be kind to her, I hope she does'nt resent her or view her as a burden or a duty she HAS to tolerate. I don't mean to ramble, and I'm not implying that you don't love your step child..........I am just picturing that same situation with my kid and my ex (and her) and it's brought me to tears. Touchy topic for me I guess.............
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She does miss her mommy sometimes, but oh yes, she can be that manipulative. (I think small children are better at it than big kids, because they're so darn cute.)
When she genuinely misses her mommy, she's sniffly and wants to look at pictures and call her mom. And that's fine. We encourage that -- we let her know it's OK to miss people when they're not there and it's OK to be sad.
When she's using it as an excuse, well...it's an excuse. And we're not going to tolerate kicking/hitting/etc. because she misses her mommy, or really for any other reason. If she said "I can't behave because my legs hurt" (that's a friend of mine's kid's excuse of choice), we'd be able to confront it better because it's less emotional a phrase. (My friend's response in that case: "Well, then, I guess you are in too much pain to be able to play soccer/go to friend's house/etc. today, that's too bad, you were really looking forward to it..." It usually does the trick. But there's no equivalent in this situation.)
This isn't lack of compassion on my part, or on J's -- this is frustration.
And, for the record, I am not the "other woman" -- J and his ex had been separated for a year when we met, when Kiddo was 1 (she doesn't remember them living together, and she barely remembers life before her dad and I got together) and they'd both dated other people in the interim. Their split was mutual, and the ex and I get along well. The ex is aware of the "I miss my mommy" situation -- in fact "I miss my daddy" is used, albeit less, at her house -- and she doesn't care for it either. I don't resent my stepchild or see her as a burden -- I knew J had a child when we got involved and if I'd had a problem with that I wouldn't be here -- but I (we) would like some guidance in dealing with a difficult situation. If I was looking to be dispassionate, I'd have said, "too bad, suck it up, go pick up your socks." I'm looking for help in balancing compassion with not getting walked all over by a four-year-old. Right now, "I'm sorry you miss your mommy but you still need to behave" doesn't work.
I'm sorry it's a tough topic for you -- I don't have bio-kids so while I can sympathize, I can't necessarily truly understand.
Why is it when stepparents ask for advice we're seen as resenting the kids, but when bio-parents ask for advice they're seen as...asking for advice?
"I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: Kiddo's been taking to doing that -- she uses "I miss my mommy" as an excuse for, well, everything.
Won't go to bed? I miss my mommy.
Kicked the cat? I miss my mommy.
Go pick up your socks? Can't. I miss my mommy.
Called her best friend a name? I miss my mommy.
Any insight on how we can balance her legitimate concern about being away from Mom (she's 4) with her need to behave? We've gone with "I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you and your Mom love each other, but you still need to pick your toys up/be respectful/etc." but that isn't really working anymore. And she's using it to excuse worse and worse behavior -- not just mild disobedience but hitting. She's of course entitled to miss her mom (or anyone else in the world), and she's allowed to express it reasonably, but she is NOT entitled to misbehave as a result.
Thanks.
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? Fendann: Is this your daughter using the excuse when away from you, or is it your SO's child using the excuse on you?
If it's your SO's, you shouldn't do anything. It's not your place to say anything to her unless you're married to the father, and she is living in your house.....that's just my opinion, though.
If it's your daughter, then you could have them try getting you on the phone once or twice when something like that happens. My kids go through that with their mother...they complain that they want me whenever she tells them to pick up, or eat, or get into the bath, etc.
It works. I get them on the phone and explain that they need to listen to her, then they stop doing it....funny thing is that they live with her, and I only get them on the weekend....
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? alonewith2: When my kids pull that, I ask them what their dad would do in the same instance. Then if they try to say their dads would allow them to get away with it, I say "well, let's call him and find out...."
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: [quote author=LoneFatherOf2 link=topic=37063.msg397557#msg397557 date=1162686503">
Is this your daughter using the excuse when away from you, or is it your SO's child using the excuse on you?
If it's your SO's, you shouldn't do anything. It's not your place to say anything to her unless you're married to the father, and she is living in your house.....that's just my opinion, though.
If it's your daughter, then you could have them try getting you on the phone once or twice when something like that happens. My kids go through that with their mother...they complain that they want me whenever she tells them to pick up, or eat, or get into the bath, etc.
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She's my SO's daughter, not mine -- but she is living in our house part time. No, we're not married yet (will be at some point), but we do live together and are committed partners for the last two years, permanent inasmuch two divorced people can say that with a straight face. Anyhow. (And I do think adults in general can ask kids who are not theirs, but are in their houses or otherwise under their supervision, to do things like treat the cat and other kids decently and not leave toys in prime tripping-and-falling locations.)
She uses the excuse on her father and me both...more her dad, really, but he doesn't post here so I'm asking. (She uses it on me more in the "I can't pick up my toy that you just tripped over because I miss my mommy" vein, and more on him in the "I don't need whatever discipline you're going to dole out because I miss my mommy," if that makes sense. He's the sheriff who can dole out the bulk of the discipline; I'm the deputy.)
The phone only works if her mom is available (and she's not, most of the time -- she works weekends, and her job isn't one with ready phone access)...and sometimes, talking to her mom makes her feel worse (legitimately), because then she's well aware Mom's not there and can't come get her. I don't think it's so much "what mom would let her do at her house" (in which case consulting with Mom would work) -- it's more "see, look, I am so paralyzed by my grief that I can't be expected to behave in anything resembling a reasonable manner." Which would be one thing if she WAS paralyzed by her grief -- but she's not, we can tell most of the time when she's really sad vs. making excuses.
My SO and his ex are pretty much on the same page regarding mom's rules vs. dad's rules -- i.e. it doesn't matter if they're different (and differences are slight), she has to obey the ones where she is, just like at school vs. at home vs. at Grandma's.
