"I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: Kiddo's been taking to doing that -- she uses "I miss my mommy" as an excuse for, well, everything.
Won't go to bed? I miss my mommy.
Kicked the cat? I miss my mommy.
Go pick up your socks? Can't. I miss my mommy.
Called her best friend a name? I miss my mommy.
Any insight on how we can balance her legitimate concern about being away from Mom (she's 4) with her need to behave? We've gone with "I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you and your Mom love each other, but you still need to pick your toys up/be respectful/etc." but that isn't really working anymore. And she's using it to excuse worse and worse behavior -- not just mild disobedience but hitting. She's of course entitled to miss her mom (or anyone else in the world), and she's allowed to express it reasonably, but she is NOT entitled to misbehave as a result.
Thanks.
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? Fendann: Is this your daughter using the excuse when away from you, or is it your SO's child using the excuse on you?
If it's your SO's, you shouldn't do anything. It's not your place to say anything to her unless you're married to the father, and she is living in your house.....that's just my opinion, though.
If it's your daughter, then you could have them try getting you on the phone once or twice when something like that happens. My kids go through that with their mother...they complain that they want me whenever she tells them to pick up, or eat, or get into the bath, etc.
It works. I get them on the phone and explain that they need to listen to her, then they stop doing it....funny thing is that they live with her, and I only get them on the weekend....
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? alonewith2: When my kids pull that, I ask them what their dad would do in the same instance. Then if they try to say their dads would allow them to get away with it, I say "well, let's call him and find out...."
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: [quote author=LoneFatherOf2 link=topic=37063.msg397557#msg397557 date=1162686503">
Is this your daughter using the excuse when away from you, or is it your SO's child using the excuse on you?
If it's your SO's, you shouldn't do anything. It's not your place to say anything to her unless you're married to the father, and she is living in your house.....that's just my opinion, though.
If it's your daughter, then you could have them try getting you on the phone once or twice when something like that happens. My kids go through that with their mother...they complain that they want me whenever she tells them to pick up, or eat, or get into the bath, etc.
[/quote">
She's my SO's daughter, not mine -- but she is living in our house part time. No, we're not married yet (will be at some point), but we do live together and are committed partners for the last two years, permanent inasmuch two divorced people can say that with a straight face. Anyhow. (And I do think adults in general can ask kids who are not theirs, but are in their houses or otherwise under their supervision, to do things like treat the cat and other kids decently and not leave toys in prime tripping-and-falling locations.)
She uses the excuse on her father and me both...more her dad, really, but he doesn't post here so I'm asking. (She uses it on me more in the "I can't pick up my toy that you just tripped over because I miss my mommy" vein, and more on him in the "I don't need whatever discipline you're going to dole out because I miss my mommy," if that makes sense. He's the sheriff who can dole out the bulk of the discipline; I'm the deputy.)
The phone only works if her mom is available (and she's not, most of the time -- she works weekends, and her job isn't one with ready phone access)...and sometimes, talking to her mom makes her feel worse (legitimately), because then she's well aware Mom's not there and can't come get her. I don't think it's so much "what mom would let her do at her house" (in which case consulting with Mom would work) -- it's more "see, look, I am so paralyzed by my grief that I can't be expected to behave in anything resembling a reasonable manner." Which would be one thing if she WAS paralyzed by her grief -- but she's not, we can tell most of the time when she's really sad vs. making excuses.
My SO and his ex are pretty much on the same page regarding mom's rules vs. dad's rules -- i.e. it doesn't matter if they're different (and differences are slight), she has to obey the ones where she is, just like at school vs. at home vs. at Grandma's.
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? Peaceandquiet: I would just do the .. Well your mother is not here and this is how we do things around here.. if you feel like this is wrong then we can talk about it but you can't use the excuse that you miss your mom for getting out of the things we ask you to do.
I think she is starting to figure out that she can use the two different houses to get what she wants and get out of what she doesn't want. I would say stand firm with what you feel is right and what you expect of her behavior.. you are the parents when you have her and need to show her that.
Might not be the best advice but mine went through a little spell of that to.. But in the end they will respect you for standing up to them and not giving into there tatics
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