Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? Fendann: PQ has a good point there.
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: [quote author=PQ link=topic=37063.msg397591#msg397591 date=1162690688">
I would just do the .. Well your mother is not here and this is how we do things around here.. if you feel like this is wrong then we can talk about it but you can't use the excuse that you miss your mom for getting out of the things we ask you to do.
I think she is starting to figure out that she can use the two different houses to get what she wants and get out of what she doesn't want.
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Again, I don't think it's that...she's not using "Mom lets me do X" (and if she was, that would get shot down quickly).
She is trying to be manipulative, of course...but differently.
Last night was better, except she refused to stop playing on the kitchen floor when we were making dinner because "I miss my mommy and I can't be alone!" J told her she could play all she wanted in the living room (on the floor or otherwise), or else she could stand up and help set the table (but it's too dangerous for her to be crawling around while we're working with knives and hot things), and she ended up throwing a tantrum (I thought we were done with tantrums?) in her room.
Then again, she was asleep by 8:30 (she's normally a night owl) so there's that.
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? kimberly: Can a 4 year old really be that manipulative? Possibly she just misses her mommy. It must be really tough on the kid, perhaps a little more compassion and understanding will help. Kids will be kids, I'm sure she'll adjust. I'm not looking forward to sharing my daughter with my ex and his OW. It is a hard thing for everyone involved and the thought of her crying for me when she's upset (even if it's when she's misbehaving) seriously breaks my heart. I only hope this woman will be sympathetic to my childs confusion and be kind to her, I hope she does'nt resent her or view her as a burden or a duty she HAS to tolerate. I don't mean to ramble, and I'm not implying that you don't love your step child..........I am just picturing that same situation with my kid and my ex (and her) and it's brought me to tears. Touchy topic for me I guess.............
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? tara: [quote author=torn-n-2 link=topic=37063.msg397683#msg397683 date=1162747325">
Can a 4 year old really be that manipulative? Possibly she just misses her mommy. It must be really tough on the kid, perhaps a little more compassion and understanding will help. Kids will be kids, I'm sure she'll adjust. I'm not looking forward to sharing my daughter with my ex and his OW. It is a hard thing for everyone involved and the thought of her crying for me when she's upset (even if it's when she's misbehaving) seriously breaks my heart. I only hope this woman will be sympathetic to my childs confusion and be kind to her, I hope she does'nt resent her or view her as a burden or a duty she HAS to tolerate. I don't mean to ramble, and I'm not implying that you don't love your step child..........I am just picturing that same situation with my kid and my ex (and her) and it's brought me to tears. Touchy topic for me I guess.............
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She does miss her mommy sometimes, but oh yes, she can be that manipulative. (I think small children are better at it than big kids, because they're so darn cute.)
When she genuinely misses her mommy, she's sniffly and wants to look at pictures and call her mom. And that's fine. We encourage that -- we let her know it's OK to miss people when they're not there and it's OK to be sad.
When she's using it as an excuse, well...it's an excuse. And we're not going to tolerate kicking/hitting/etc. because she misses her mommy, or really for any other reason. If she said "I can't behave because my legs hurt" (that's a friend of mine's kid's excuse of choice), we'd be able to confront it better because it's less emotional a phrase. (My friend's response in that case: "Well, then, I guess you are in too much pain to be able to play soccer/go to friend's house/etc. today, that's too bad, you were really looking forward to it..." It usually does the trick. But there's no equivalent in this situation.)
This isn't lack of compassion on my part, or on J's -- this is frustration.
And, for the record, I am not the "other woman" -- J and his ex had been separated for a year when we met, when Kiddo was 1 (she doesn't remember them living together, and she barely remembers life before her dad and I got together) and they'd both dated other people in the interim. Their split was mutual, and the ex and I get along well. The ex is aware of the "I miss my mommy" situation -- in fact "I miss my daddy" is used, albeit less, at her house -- and she doesn't care for it either. I don't resent my stepchild or see her as a burden -- I knew J had a child when we got involved and if I'd had a problem with that I wouldn't be here -- but I (we) would like some guidance in dealing with a difficult situation. If I was looking to be dispassionate, I'd have said, "too bad, suck it up, go pick up your socks." I'm looking for help in balancing compassion with not getting walked all over by a four-year-old. Right now, "I'm sorry you miss your mommy but you still need to behave" doesn't work.
I'm sorry it's a tough topic for you -- I don't have bio-kids so while I can sympathize, I can't necessarily truly understand.
Why is it when stepparents ask for advice we're seen as resenting the kids, but when bio-parents ask for advice they're seen as...asking for advice?
Re: "I miss my mommy!" as a get-out-of-jail-free card? LettinGo: [quote author=tara link=topic=37063.msg397709#msg397709 date=1162751651"> She does miss her mommy sometimes, but oh yes, she can be that manipulative. (I think small children are better at it than big kids, because they're so darn cute.)
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I agree ... my 3.5 year old twins do it all the time when I discipline them. Hitting and fighting with eachother or being belligerent towards me suddenly ends in crying for "Daddddddyyyy!" when they are put on the naughty step (from SuperNanny ... lol).
I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to say that I agree and good luck!!
Kelly
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