Re: when you're over it katbuttkid: allmusic,
right. In sociological terms they call what you are talking about the "Principle of Least Interest"
The person least interested has the power.
That's sort of different, I think, becuase it's talking about negotiaions, persuasion, power and influence. I'm mainly thinking about indidcators about being through something.
I had a traumatic experience in my life that haunted me for some time. Every time I drove over a bridge, it reminded me of the suicide, and I'd become very emotional. And then one day... I crossed a bridge, and realized I'd done it without even thinking.
I can say "Suicide" now wihtout feeling a jab of pain in my gut. I can think about him and not be sad....
If I can heal from that, I can heal from a 3 year marriage to a messed up man.
It's been a year+ since the D was final, and I'm just now realizing that if I see him again, socially, out grocery shopping, or we end up working in the same place... so what?
I don't care about having some sort of upper hand on the situation. I'm not interested in him or knowing him, or having anything to do with him.
Now, he could make that a problem for me... start coming around, calling me, or asking me if I'm over it (rather than let it be seen and dually noted)-- he's manipulative and weird like that. IN which case, then yes, I'll have the principle of least interest, and the power.
And I won't abuse that power.
The peace I feel letting it all go is all I need, really. You know?
Re: when you're over it trapped: I dont want to get even at all. I just want to get over it.
:-\
Re: when you're over it allmusic76: Hey tree,
I know where you are coming from... I meant more or less the decisive power to end or stay true to a relationship, not as much a bargaining chip to be used for personal gain.
The person interested the least, has control over whether or not the relationship continues, because their value for the relationship is less than the other person, they have less to lose.
Re: when you're over it katbuttkid: Yeah, I see what you mean. I don't think it's always true tho.
A lot of people end relationships they actually want to work out, right?
This is good tho. all stuff to think about.
So, on that note: It seems to me that poeple out screwing up relationships aren't doing so because they have decisive power.... on the contrary. Half the time, they fail to be conscious enough TO decide anything. Mainly it seems to me like it's rarely about having decisive power and more about just showing where they really stand --not properly valuing or having decency to share the lack of value in a tactful way.
Maybe it's like the person least interested is usually the one who screws things up/walks away/ends it?
Yeah, I get that.
Although, there are a lot of reasons people screw things up too, like old habits, mental illness, communication breakfdown, complex feedback mechanisms, trauma, fear of committment, fear in general, boredom etc....
And then on the flip side, there are people who fight for relationships, tooth and nail that are already dead.
Re: when you're over it allmusic76: Exactly.... there are people who fight well past something has died....there are people that don't fight hard enough for the things that still have life in them...
I think the latter is more tragic. The problem is that some people simpyl don't want to.
I think in my situation Melissa sat down and figured... I can go home where I know things... or I can stay here and deal with this dude having a nervous breakdown.
Commitment didn't matter to her at that point. It was just a matter of her wanting to be happy being more important to her than her own word, or me for that matter.
Sucks, but there's nothing you can do.... it's that "throw away" mentality that society seems to have adopted.
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