i cant take much more AMG: well, he called again...
let me give you a little history. when i first met him 10 years ago, we were both very into alcohol and drugs. we were involved in a very f-ed up relationship. eventually he moved away to go to rehab... at this point i thought i needed to get myself cleaned up so when he came back we could still be friends. i apprantely had/have some codependency issues. well, i quickly realized that i could not be friends with him. so, i stopped talking to him and i got my life together. we did not speak for 4 years. during the first 2 1/2 years of this time, he apparently started smoking crack. when we first go reconnected he had been sober for 1 1/2 years.
well, during that 4 years not a day went by that he didnt cross my mind. it was bearable... i would wonder how he was doing and hoped he was ok. getting over him then was one of the hardest things i ever had to do.
when we started dating this time, i was just amazed. i couldnt believe that i was with the one that i have always felt is my soul mate. i guess i was kind of naive about addiction... i never thought he would use again. when we first started dating he really had his sh!t together. he was so grounded and was totally commited to AA and was just a beautiful person.
he left me in jan. of this year... we didnt talk for a few months and when we did he called me hysterical that he was dying. he had been using for a few weeks. thus began his struggle. eventually we tried to reconcile... it was great for a few weeks and then just unraveled. he had stayed sober for a few months and seemed like he was really working hard... he started on antidepressents and was going to intense counsling.
well he left me again... for someone else again... after telling me he had nothing to give in a relationship. he needed to be selfish and totally devote himself to his sobriety. well, i would NEVER stand in the way of something like that, however literally 2 weeks later he is seeing this new girl. part of me knew he was heading for trouble but didnt want to believe it.
so he calls me tonight. he left a message telling me he has been doing horrible, a lot of using and he doesnt know how he is ever going to stop. he would love to talk to me, i am such a source of strength in his life and that he loves mean even if it is not the way that i want him too.
i feel like i have gotten myself into a very bad situation. i dont think i am strong enough to deal with any of this. i have been doing terrible since he left me, and now this. it kills me to think he is out there destroying him self and he very well could die. he aparentlly has a death wish. i want to talk to him so bad, but i dont think i am strong enough. besides i am still in love with him and it would be so painful. i know talking to him would not "save" him and i dont plan on doing so. but it is such a struggle. if he were to die, i would just lose it. i would feel so guilty.
i hate to say this but i regret ever reconnecting with him. we had 3 wonderful years but the pain that he has caused me this past year has been too much. i dont know what to do any more. not only do i have the pain of trying to get over him and move on in my life now i have the pain of knowing he is out there doing what he is doing. what am i going to do? how am i ever going to get through all of this? they say God doesnt give you more than you can handle, but come on... what did i do to deserve this. why did he even have to call me and tell me this? what the hell does he want from me? he is literally destroying me.
i feel like a fool... every one is probably thinking how can i still love a crack addict? i feel like i have made a mess... a huge mess. one that i dont know if i can clean up. i just want to grab him and hold him and make everything ok, but i know i cant. i cant do anything about his addiction. it is right not to talk to him right??? i am going to make it through all this someday right?
for those of you that pray, could you say a little prayer for him?? as awful as he has treated me i dont want him to die, i dont want him to do this to himself. please pray that he can find his way back from his demons.
Re: i cant take much more allmusic76: Wow...
that's a really rough spot to be in.
It's good that you care enough about him to not be bitter or wish him poor health or anything like that. I know a lot of people get stuck in that anger phase.
There isn't much you can do unfortunately. Personally, I think that contact with him is a bad thing. You admit yourself, that you are teetering a bit when it comes to your emotions for him. If that is the case, then the best thing you can do is stay away in thta aspect. If you really want to help him, you could call a friend of his, or family, or even send him a snail mail letter telling him to get hlep--some type of communicationt hat doesn't involve his ability to directly respond.
I've dealt with addiction--first hand. I have been straight since 1998 and I can tell you with 100% assurance... the first step is the desire to quit. You will never be able to give that to him.
Re: i cant take much more idocsteve: [quote author=AMG link=topic=37075.msg397627#msg397627 date=1162722277"> he is literally destroying me...i feel like i have made a mess... a huge mess. one that i dont know if i can clean up...it is right not to talk to him right..i am going to make it through all this someday right? could you say a little prayer for him??
[/quote">
Amg,
I took what I thought were the most relevant parts of your post and quoted them above. You have already answered your own questions. Since you need more reassurance, here it is:
He is destroying you. You were moving on with your life, and you could very easily be right back in the hole with him if you let it happen. It's not at all good for you to talk to him or contact him in any way, you are just tempting yourself and preventing yourself from moving away and moving on. You have not made the mess, he has. It's not your fault, and he's not your problem. Yes, you will make it through this someday if you follow your own advice. And finally, I'm not at all religious, but if I was, I don't think I would say a prayer for him because he needs a lot more than that...
Re: i cant take much more AMG: when i talk of a mess, i mean for me. not only am i hurting deeply over losing him, but now i am scared of getting a phone call that he is dead. the fact that he is using is causing so many more new emotions. i do not plan on talking to him, but knowing this just makes everything all the more harder. it is like i bit off more than i could chew when we first started dating and i didnt even know it.
yeah allmusic, it is hard. i am very angry at him, but i would never wish this on him, or anyone for that matter. i know there is absolutely nothing i can say or do to help him, which also is very difficult. part of me feels like i am turning my back on him... my head knows this is not the case, but my heart isnt so sure.
i just feel like it is all too much.
and idocsteve, all i can do is pray for him...
Re: i cant take much more allmusic76: there are times when you have to turn your back on someone.
there are times you don't... it really depends on the manner in which things happened.
I am glad that you are a caring enough person that you feel remorse over turning your back on someone. that's a good sign. Some people will erase you from their lives without a moment's hesitation.
