i think im getting closer allmusic76:
I had a breakdown when this all happened to me. It sucks. You can't move, you can't think... it sucks majorly.
When my son had to go down to florida, I was devastated. I couldn't handle it. I thought I could, but I couldn't. Then one by one, other things started happening. I found out some pretty upsetting things about my father. There were some peopel harassing my gf and I about our relationship, and to make matters worse there was an implosion at work that sent a series of upper management folks to the hospital from breakdowns....
I thought I was tough enough to handle it. I wasn't. But I didn't know it at the time. I was very self centric at the time, I couldn't think about anything but the pain. All I could do was focus on the pain. From wake up to sleep. I alienated people around me... and I neglected those close to me. if they were trying to help me, I couldn't hear it. My ears were deaf to anything but my pain. The problem with having a breakdown, is that you think everything is fine until it happens. We had this rough weekend. I couldn't keep myself calm. Everything was so.... blown up. I was constantly sweating. These should have been signs that something was wrong with me... but when you are in this state, it isn't you that has the problem--it's EVERYONE ELSE.
I started noticing something was wrong, but then I paniced. That week got worse. The harassment become worse, there was an issue with me supposed to be seeing my son on an upcoming weekend, but a plane ticket mishap, and then a plane ticket mishap about the holidays... and so on. I lost it that week. Completely. My gf didn't know what the hell to do, so she left me. And that's when the walls closed in, and the floor disappeared. I was breaking down. I knew there was a problem at this point,but i still didn't know what to do about it. I was borderline suicidial, and I know that isn't me. I would never hurt anyone, including myself, at least when I'm of sound mind. I didn't know what the problem was or how to manage it. I didn't know what to tell the counselor, so i told him everything.
I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. Oh, but i talked to the ex...I wanted to understand, i wanted closure, but the answer was really there the whole time. So while I'm trying to figure out why she did what she did... I'm pushing her away even further.
There wasn't anything I could do about that situation. As tough as we think we are , sometimes, situations exceed our ability to cope with them. i was not emotionally prepared to let my son go like that. When he did, I started down a path that I couldn't handle.
The dirty rotten truth is, that had Melissa loved me as much as she had claimed to... she wouldn't have abandoned me when I needed her, or needed help period, she would have stuck by me. Even just a friend would do that.
Re: i think im getting closer artickittycat: I've so been there...when I lost my jurisdiction in NH I broke down...I couldn't think about anything but how much I hurt...I couldn't listen to my son...I could hear the words but I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. I started drinkin'. My mom and her husband were staying with me at the time. I walked next door, to the Pub had 4 beers. I don't drink so I was wasted, came home wrote a note to my mom asking her to take care of my son. I swallowed a bottle of over the counter drugs...went up stairs crawled in bed with my son, I held him...then my mom got up to get a drink saw the note...rushed me to the hospital, which I don't remember any of it. I was there for 2 days, strapped down to the bed, screaming and crying. My mom told me all this way later. I got home...didn't remember coming home, don't remember anything. A week was gone, and I don't have a clue. I got in bed with my son...it didn't even occure to me that he could wake up next to his sick or dead mother...I'm on medication now, trying to controll myself. IT woke me up, I still hurt. But I don't let it control me...if you need to talk... you can IM me anytime...I've been there. Sorry, it sucks.
Re: i think im getting closer allmusic76: thanks artic... no I'm ok now. For the most part. The doc hasn't prescribed meds... he's prescribed activities. I've been volunteering on the weekend,a nd getting out,a nd believe it or not that is a HUGE help with dealing with not having my son around. The break up is another story altogether... but it happens.
I guess, if she really loved me, she would have stood by me. She didn't. There really isn't much I can argue at that point.
Re: i think im getting closer notagain: Thanks for sharing that story with us. I don't know your whole story, but I feel your pain.
I'm finding strength in God these days. Don't know where I would be without Him.
Re: i think im getting closer allmusic76: Thanks notagain...I did a lot of praying, but I didn't get any answers...I guess it doesn't work that way. I admit I'm not terribly religious...but I suppose there is the whole " god helps those who helps themselves" idea.
Having a breakdown I equate to a drunk drive massacre. When you finally break down, you take a look behind you and see all of the damage you have done and all of the carnage and mayhem. You vaguely remember everything, but there is a fog about it.
You remember doing things, but you know you haven't been yourself. You remember saying things you would never say. I think the reason we break down is that for some period of time, our environment is so off kilter that we get get centered, or resound ourselves to our normal set of actions and standards. Because we are off kilter, we act off kilter, and eventually something gives us that "push" and BOOM...we crash.
The only thing we can hope for is that we have loyal friends and close family that will see the signs and help us out before it gets to that point, or loyal enough friends and close enough fmaily to help us out in the event that we do crash.
I wasn't really lucky in that case. The person I'd laid my life on pretty much said " eff this" and took off. So I had back to back breakdowns and things got really bad for a while there.
and for what's it worth, I had to pick myself off the floor and get myself help, which under those types of circumstances.... is easier said than done
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