marriage and happiness katbuttkid: I have come to the conclusion that it's a bad idea to get married to be happy.
That happiness and marriage aren't even the same subject.
its' like "feeling fat" when "fat" is NOT an emotion.
If anyone thinks of marriage and lumps happiness into it, they need some reprogramming, IMO.
The two things aren't related.
however, you CAN state tehre is a relatiosnhips between marraige and living longer, and eventually over the course of the lifetime, have had a lot of happiness. Most old couples I know DID work their shit out and it ended up all being worth it.
I'm not saying all. But I don't know any who regret sticking it out. I know some who divorced. and I know a 100 or more who eventually accept the choices they made, and have embraced what is and been OK with it.
I am sorry this isn't more thought out right now. Just this idea that next time I'm in a position to think about if I want to be married or not, I wil take happiness out of the equation because it's a different subject entirely.
tree
Re: marriage and happiness spooky: *deleted*
Re: marriage and happiness katbuttkid: See, this is where I disagree. I don't think it should have anything to do with happiness.
Not one ounce.
I think that is just asking for trouble.
tree
Re: marriage and happiness katbuttkid: Getting Married = having a spouse/being a spouse.
Having a child = being a parent
What if I were to turn around and feel so god awful upset with life because I have a son? What if I some how always associated that becasue I needed or wanted to be a mother that this would make me happy?
I'd be screwed, right? And moreover, so would my son.
But I didn't think that. I had the baby knowing it was going to mean sleepless nights, worry, financial hardship, growing up too fast (I was 22), problems I didn't have a clue about and possibly eventual single motherhood. I also knew the kid was going to be unbeleivably cute, and that us as young parents would swing it somehow, and we'd have a goofy but otherwise functional family. I knew I could do it. I knew it would be work, and sacrifice, but I knew I could do it. I had it in me.
Even the big belly, the thought of labor, the fear of something going wrong. The vulnerability to relying so much on his dad. It was scary.
but I did it anyway.
And I don't regret it.
Even now that things got so mucked up. My son is one decision I wouldn't take back.
I'm lucky.
I took a chance, I chose without much information.
But somehow, even at 22, I knew "happiness" was never part of the equation. Being a mom, and having a child. I'd be me, but I'd be a mom, and I'd have a child. BIg changes, but otherwise, no difference.
Totally natural.
I knew NOT keeping the baby, I'd end up unhappy. Sad, doubting, guilty, wondering....
My options were to buck up, or make a mistake.
I rose to the occassion.
I am having trouble today seeing the difference between the feel of this lifetime committment and any lifetime committment.
Re: marriage and happiness JimB: Happiness is an elusive topic, because it's different for everyone.
I agree with you that happiness shouldn't really be the biggest part of the decision making process when the decision is a very significant one, e.g. marriage, parenthood, etc. These kinds of decisions have way more to do with commitment, trust, honor, and so on. But we derive happiness from those things.
Your example: having a child. As you say, happiness wasn't really part of your decision making process. But, at the same time, you would have had serious long thoughts about it if you were the type of person that having a child was likely to make you miserable. I'm guessing from what you wrote that you're not that type of person. But you can't deny that you've experienced a lot of happiness as a result of that decision.
Reading between the lines, I'm going to say your point is something like this: happiness isn't something you get from being married - it comes from taking delight in the fundamentals of marriage, things like commitment, trust, a sense of sharing. If those things make you happy, go ahead and get married - marriage should enhance your life. But remember, marriage is an institution built on much more important things than happiness. Does that sound like your point? If so, I agree. ;D
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