Re: marriage and happiness katbuttkid: 2Be-- Im with you on that note. For certain. But I am talking about something sorta different...
Its not about the stage you're in going into a marriage so much as it is how you look at marriage. I think a person can be having a hard time in life, everything can suck, yet they can still pull off a really healthy and happy marriage.
Hey, if you don't beleive me, ask Jason and Melissa, or TWG and The flaming butterfly, or Bubba and Ty!
!LOL
I'm kidding, totally kidding. but they are all people who didn't meet while on the positive slip of life-- they all met here on Ojar, devastated.
Actually I was thinking more of my older cousin who's 4 year old was hit by a car and killed. She turned to her friend totally full of doubt, worry, greif. They have 6 kids now, and have been together for 26 years.... it's not the kids or the amount of time they have been married that I find admirable-- it's their realism with there situations, and with each other. They have a good solid relationship all their own-- it's not like any other marriage out there.
I'm not one of the ones who got married to be happy-- I looked at marriage as a role to take on, like parenthood. It meant a lot of changes-- some good, some bad-- and hopefully all would be worth it.
My disappointment comes from that there was duplicitous shit going on with my XH and the gamble didn't pay off. If I beleived it was up to me to stick it out, to keep gambling, to sacrifice my state of mind just to remain married, well, i'd still be married. (I'd be nutty as a fruitcake by now, tho!)
Laura, I hpe that answers your question.... it's not about happiness, it's about keeping a healty state of mind. You can't let a marriage ruin you. but how many people really understand the difference between sacrificing a little happiness to find another, or even know how to do that?
I think there's soemthing like an itchy trigger finger in a spouse who sees marriage as a means to an end... they declare they aren't happy and that means EVERYTHING-- and instead of trying to see what there is to be happy about-- or try to adjust to the reality of what is, or to make themselves happy, they look for a source of blame, and pull the trigger.
For instance, thre were many things I had to get used to with my XH-- one example is that I thought my Xh would bond to my angelic son. I thought he'd be touched by his sweetness and need of love from a father figure. Every man I've ever really known was not immune to a child in need of love. They at least rose to the occassion to not swear or turn the music down when a child was in the room.
I found out soon after we started living together that my XH didn't have that sorta "caring for the children" honor code at the ready. This changed a lot for me. I'd never met a man who didn't honor a child and just sorta thought "well, they have to deal".
So, I kept an open mind. My son was 8 and I thought "Maybe it's time he heard what sort of music his mom really likes" I decided it was OK because I wanted him to know the real me, not just mommy-me.
(it's not like I blasting Slayer or NWA-- still haven't let him hear those bands yet!)
Does this make sense?
Blazin' yeah, you seem like you've come a long way.
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