Dear M. Molach: M,
You have been in my thoughts this week. I don't want the holidays this year. I don't want to act happy for the sake of the family. I will think of you sitting there by yourself. I hope you are with someone. I hope you enjoy the holidays as best you can. I want to see you or send you something, but I know that wouldn't be a good idea. I wish we could get over the petty mess and act as friends. I don't think either of us are ready for that yet though.
The last time we spoke you sounded angry just hearing my voice. I guess I understand. You think I am being selfish because I wanted the split probably more than you. I never was selfish and I think you will benefit as much or more than I do from the end of the marriage. I think a lot about how we should have been, how I wish you had treated me. If you only knew what hell I went through. If you only knew how much hope I held out for the last several years that it would change for the better. I know in the last year I felt like I was dying, and I had to save myself. I saw that you weren't trying. You know I tried to make it work, but you didn't. If you need to blame me, to feel better about it then that is ok. I want you to be happy. I always just wanted that for you, and I think you were, but I wasn't. When the pain of this is gone, maybe you will thank me for giving you a new life. It won't be with me, you have lost me, and I have lost you. You are like a ghost in my mind though, sometimes I sit there and picture you doing every day stuff. The last drop of love I have for you extinguished the feelings of sadness and anger, but that last drop will always be in the bottom of my heart. If only it were allowed to stay pure, if it had been replenished by the love that you never gave me I wouldn't be writing this.
I hope the holidays are good for you, I miss you.
Love,
J
