Why won't you just get out of my head?! MEP2006: Dear David,
I remember the times you and I fought. How we'd go in circles. You'd accuse me of something, I'd respond with an explanation, and as though you hadn't heard anything I'd said, you'd accuse me of the same thing again. You claimed my response was nothing more than "explaining it away".
You're a narcissist. Plain and simple. You can't connect with anyone for very long. You need to be affirmed constantly. You think you're different from everyone else; that no one "understands you". You believe yourself burdened with pain and despair and the unfairness of life. You think that you're a victim of all these unkind women... when you're the one who's cheated and lied and betrayed every last one of them. You're the one who's accused them of ridiculous things. You're the one who's set up impossible standards and then used that as your reason for leaving when you need to abandon them for a new woman to try out.
Every day, I vacilate. I want to key your car, or smear your windshield with dog crap. I want to email everyone you know and respect and tell them what you REALLY are. I want to force you to sit down and LISTEN to me. But it wouldn't make a difference. It would make me out to be petty and vindictive and anything I'd say would just bounce off your armour anyway. You have no ability to empathize or take responsibility for the awful, slutty, destructive things you do. No, no, it's always you who's been done wrong.
God, you're such a bloody 5 year old! Grow up, you child! Recognize that you should have figured out by 34 years old and one divorce under your belt that YOU ARE CULPABLE. YOU have to take responsibility for the things you do that destroy and wound other people. Instead, you look back over your life and weep for your own self, and the pity party you throw, all those bad relationships with women who didn't treat you well... oh man, I just want to barf! You have had more than your fair share of amazing, faithful, generous, beautiful women. And none of them have been able to get through to you, so you just keep using them up, blaming them for failing you, and then throwing them away. Just like you threw me away. You rotten piece of shit.
And then, here I am, crazy as ever sitting here wishing you'd email or show up at my door and tell me you love me, that you love the boy, and that you want to make our family work. I'm an idiot. I'm as stupid as you are, and just as nuts. I can't imagine why I'd ever want you back... it doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how amazing your body is, how much you pleasure and delight me, how you say the right things at the right time, how you help me with the baby, how you snuggle me in the night and trace circles on my back... none of that matters when you decide I'm just not enough for you. No one is. No one ever will be. It would mean having to stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time. And you never will.
Coward.
Love,
MEP
Re: Why won't you just get out of my head?! newts: That was great.
I would be tempted to send that one - joking, don't send it.
Re: Why won't you just get out of my head?! trapped: MEP
What can I say? This letter is one I think I will always remember. Youve got a way with words.
So sorry youre here.
:-\
Re: Why won't you just get out of my head?! icwtsmnl: [quote author=MEP2006 link=topic=37583.msg405088#msg405088 date=1163887440">
And then, here I am, crazy as ever sitting here wishing you'd email or show up at my door and tell me you love me, that you love the boy, and that you want to make our family work. I'm an idiot. I'm as stupid as you are, and just as nuts. I can't imagine why I'd ever want you back... [/quote">
this is why (original post):
http://ojar.com/boards/index.php/topic,37031.0.html
you don't actually want him back. do not confuse what you miss with "wanting him back". its a really common mistake that people make, including me. I'm totally with you.
Re: Why won't you just get out of my head?! MEP2006: You know, in between his bouts of infidelity, insane accusations, pity parties, betrayals, justifications, and abandonment, he was actually an awesome guy. That's what I miss. That's what I want back. But they were just glimpses, always overshadowed and replaced by the other shit that seemed more characteristic than the open, gentle, loving, committed man that he showed me on such rare occasions. My counsellor says that intermittent reinforcement is the hardest thing to break. She's right. Saturday nights suck when you're living on the edge of debilitating ache.
