Parental Guilt genesplicer: Ok, I know this is something that many of us are apt to joke about, but it seems to be coming to light more and more on the boards as the holiday season and everything that comes with it has snuck up on us all.
I grew up in a moderately dysfunctional family, with a parent who I would classify as either bipolar or BPD (I'm not an expert, and they've never been formally diagnosed). In this environment you learn that 'angering the dragon' is just not a wise course of action.
Unfortunately for me, at least, this has lead to a very atypical relationship with said parent, one built on fear and avoidance. After years of continuous irrational guilt trips, extremely controlling behavior and convincing rants on all the reasons I'll never appreciate all the things I've been given or the sacrifices that were made to acheive them, I can honestly say I'm to the point that I could care less whether I talk to this person.
My family is also very small, basically my mother, step-dad, one set of grandparents, and an uncle (plus his wife and two kids). It is an assumed fact that I will travel home for all holidays unless I have some huge reason not to. Excluding times that my ex and I were at his family gatherings, I have skipped two holidays with my family. Both happen to be Easter of the
past two years. One fell one week after I purchased my house, and the second was days before an important test I was taking.
Both resulted in weeks of the phone calls about how I never visit home. The endless guilt trips about actually having a life lately, and god forbit I might go to visit friends or to out of town sporting events all the time instead of going home.
I have tried, on a few occassions now to try and rationally explain to my family that each set of people in my life provide me with a different kind of support. The kinds of support my family provided were critical in the first few months of my separation when I was reeling with nowhere to turn, and that I do appreciate. But now that I am trying to grow, and discover who I am today, it is the other types of support offered by my friends and new adventures that enables me to thrive. I believe that most of my family are starting to understand this, with the exception of that one individual.
As recently as this past Sunday, I call home to inform them I'm home safely (something that they require me to do when travelling anywhere long distance) and I get yelled at for half an hour because I was 'mean', and how I don't appreciate the sacrifices, and why aren't we close?
*boggles*
Umm... I have a few guess why we aren't close and why we'll never have a 'normal' parent child relationship. EVER. But anyway...
I guess what I'm really asking is whether other folks encounter the same kinds of situations with their parents and how you cope without telling them to go F off or just cut them out. These aren't options for me right now, because of other family members I do care about. I'm just a whole lot out of sorts about this, and hate the fact that Christmas is registering at the top of the dread meter. :-\
So, just how common is this, my fellow Ojarians?
Re: Parental Guilt Alphabet Girl: Perfect timing, GS. Oh my...
Well, I'm not much of a crier, but reading your post made me get that tightening feeling in my chest and the quickening of my pulse I get when I am stressed out. I can soooo relate to the guilt trips and the controlling behavior and not 'angering the dragon'. I at 31 still fear my father.
To answer your question, I'd say it is pretty common - I think the difference is who is able to get away from it and who stays in the midst of it. I've depended on my parents for help for so long that I am making sure I don't need their help anymore to help create some sort of space. I need it!
I love it when things are good between us. They can be my two closest friends and allies. But it all ends whenever I have a difference of opinion or something that I want to do that they don't want me to do. If I go and do it anyways, I have to hear about how I've ruined our relationship and our closeness.
Because of my multitude of past mistakes, they have lost all faith in me as a competent adult and feel like they need to make my choices for me because I can't make good ones myself. Tonight I got to hear the dreaded words, 'here you go again, Alphie', and 'we thought you might be getting better, but I guess not.' Makes me feel like dirt.
I'm trying to find a way to keep the peace, keep the friendship and set boundaries. It's been very hard. My dad is ill and we don't know how much longer he has, so I am also scared of standing up for myself too much and accidentally cutting all ties.
Okay, time to go calm down a bit. :) I'd love to hear more responses on what others are going through and mostly - how they deal with it!!
Re: Parental Guilt goldman: [quote"> I am making sure I don't need their help anymore to help create some sort of space.[/quote">
I am trying to do the same thing. It's tough.
I wish I had some insight or advice, but I am currently (and I think a lot of others are) going through some version of your dilemma, GS.
It's so hard when we want to express ourselves but don't have a safe place to do so, in our families. Thank goodness for good friends. ;)
Re: Parental Guilt alonewith2: I am the youngest of 6 kids...so when it was my turn to leave the house, my mom fought a little harder to keep me there. Everytime something went wrong in my life, her first reaction was to bring me "home" so she could take care of me.
I really couldn't stand it, even though I knew that I needed the help and the support. As soon as I was able to get back on my feet, I would leave....and sure enough, something else would happen.
As if it wasn't bad enough that I live across the street from her, but we also work in the same hospital. Even when she's not working, she calls me constantly when I am at work. The one day I counted 10 calls from her. And she didn't stop there. She continued to call me when I got home and even "popped in" for a visit. UGH!!
Basically I learned to just stand up for myself. I tell her exactly how I'm feeling. She doesn't get the guilt trips on me anymore because I refuse to be guilted. I have my own life and it's mine to fuck up as I please.
Re: Parental Guilt Cherry: [quote author=alonewith2 (SNB) link=topic=38031.msg411182#msg411182 date=1164765782">
Basically I learned to just stand up for myself. I tell her exactly how I'm feeling. She doesn't get the guilt trips on me anymore because I refuse to be guilted. I have my own life and it's mine to fuck up as I please.
[/quote">
Yes absolutely!!!! I actually had to tell my mother: "I love you and I respect you but mind your own business" We fought and she didn't talk to me for a while but we have worked it out. She realizes now that I have grown up. That I am an adult, deserving of respect, and she will be told if she steps over the line.
I try to remain perfectly calm while clearly saying what it is I need to. We fought most recently about some stupid choices my littlest sister is making and she said "Cant you just be happy for her?" and I told here that I was an adult, I was not going to lie to her or lie to myself. She had done the same stupid thing with my dad, I repeated it with my ex and now she is doing so. We know how it will turn out and so why lie?
She called me bitter and I sassed back *sigh*
Anyhow, what I mean by all the rambling is. Lay your lines with love and respect. Even if they do get angry they will come around. If they are supportive at all (and I never really considered my mother that until recently) then they will just start respecting your boundaries.
Every once in a while you may have to "excercise their memories" but it will happen.
It is hard sometimes for people to keep quite if you see/feel/suspect a family memeber/loved one/close friend is going thru something and maybe going about it the wrong way or what you think is the wrong way......and as well intentioned as you are...............you kinda steamroll them sometimes.
Click More for the next page.
