Re: Parental Guilt tirisfal: Ooooh boy. I don't want to get into my whole dysfunctional family values here. It's a long and sordid story. My mom had an affair, two of my sisters blamed me for my parents divorce. I was close to the last one of my sisters until her second husband came along, he didn't like me so, my nieces who I had been with since birth were no longer allowed to see me. (I was their babysitter, from 5am - 4pm daily until they were about 10 and 12).
My parents hate each other. Have not spoken in 15 years. Somehow I keep getting messages from my mom about my dad because the one sister who talks to me can only call when said husband is not around, ie from work or her cell phone.
And then there is my mom who just wants all of her 'girls' together again. She pushes family gatherings, holidays, you name it. She guilts really well. Her siblings don't talk and she doesn't want us to be the same way.
I got fed up this past summer. I didn't want to go to a gathering to start the gossip mill before my divorce was final. My extended family was there and they often just come to gather gossip to take it elsewhere. They happen to know my ex's family.
My mom even went as far as to having one of my nieces call me to see where I was.
Finally, I wrote my mom a very long email. It was the only way I could figure out to get her to hear me. I decided that while I was risking breaking the ties with the few family members I am close to, my own comfort and happiness was what mattered.
And, if the people I was/am closest to couldn't understand why and support me, then how close were they really? The people who matter most in life stick by you whether they approve of what you are doing or not. They state their opinion, and leave it at that. But your relationship doesn't become jeapordized. That's how I saw it. And it blew over. I am still close with those people, even though they said they didn't understand and they wished it didn't have to be that way....
Thanksgiving rolled around and I got the invite for my dad's thanksgiving from my mom...WTF? So I didn't go. I talked with my dad for over an hour last night. He is fine. He said, you had surgery a couple weeks ago...I didn't really expect you anyway. :) I was surprised. My dad is a quiet man who doesn't say much. When he does, it always makes me feel better.
Re: Parental Guilt JimB: My dad is a passive/aggressive at best (undiagnosed bipolar at worst) and my mother is an enabler. Makes them a good match, but Mom internalizes a lot of the negative energy he radiates, and that has had long term implications on her physical health.
There's a tremendous emotional (as well as physical) distance between myself and my parents, but I don't mind. It's kind of always been that way for me. Made it tough when I was married - the ex had a pretty close family, and I didn't always deal with that very well. Then again, to their credit, they stepped up to the plate pretty well during the divorce and its aftermath - a pleasant surprise. And my extended family is great - we have a lot of fun together with few obligations and very little drama.
I like resolving things, and generally there is no resolving things with my parents. With Dad it's his way or the highway, and Mom always goes along with whatever (which isn't really resolution). So distance is the only way I see to deal with it. I suspect they wish things were different, and so do I, but I'm done trying for now. I'm living my life, and I think it's a pretty good one. They can be a part of it if they choose, but on my terms.
So if anyone ever wonders why I'm less than empathetic to family issues, that's why. 8) Cutting 'em off is working ok for me, but I can certainly see why most people don't want to do that.
Re: Parental Guilt startingover: I moved 1,200 miles to get away from the influence. My parents were busy meddling in my marraige and trying to raise my children. My mom is very good and guilt trips and playing the martyr while my father is very controlling.
I have to say the distance has made the relationship better. My father not long ago tried his same old routine on me and I stood up to him. He hasn't talked to me since, but he needs to realize that it is my life and I have different needs and goals than him.
Re: Parental Guilt betrayedandabandoned: I think my situation is far less complicated but maybe far worse. I do not believe my parent actually cares about me, infact I have overheard relatives say in the past that my parent cares more for my brother than me and that she has always been jealous of me. As I am recovering from this breakup, I have grown and I am starting to get a far clearer perspective on this situation. I think its very simple. She does not care for , nor respects me. Yes she cares if I die, but that is about it.
Re: Parental Guilt YellowJacket: I'll save the long details but I'm really glad I'm not having to hop on yet another plane to spend yet another Christmas with people that I don't really want to be with then.
Click More for the next page.
