Somepne please help me. extremelyconfused: I'm engaged and to be married in two months. I am 25 years old. My fiancee and I live together and have for over 5 months. I love him more that my heart will allow. Here's whats going on. He is overseas working for an oil company every other month for a month at a time. He is scheduled to return in a week. Tonight I ws going through his cell phone records and for the past 4 months there is a weird number i don't know turning up on his data info. (text messages) So, I call the number. She says she has been talking to him since JULY! through text only and they met through a friend he works with overseas. She lives about 5 miles from me. There are over 500 texts back and forth from them and she said when she found out he was engaged two weeks ago, she ended their little text affair. She says they have never met in person but that he has said he was single until two weeks ago she confronted him and asked if he was engaged. WHAT DO I DO!?? my heart is in pieces. I caught him looking at single SWINGER women on myspace and found him looking at hundreds of porn sites while I was upset...so we sought out a couselor and I unlpugged the internet and the modem has been in my car until tonight. She says they have never met but he made plans to when his hitch was over this time and that she didn't want anything to do with him if he is engaged. He finally confessed to her and told her the truth but what do i do? We are suposed to be married in two months and I am in turmoil. I haven't stopped crying in three hours. I can't talk to him until he calls me because he is in the middle of the desert. He says he loves me everyday and that he can't wait for me to have his name and spend the rest of his life with me... but he has been sending this woman text messages for months! we've been engaged for 6! is this a sign of a man who will never keep his vows? what do I say to him when he calls me? do i confront him? do I make him come home? we have a life together and I have loved him more and more everyday. Please! I need advice. I can't take any more deception.
Re: Somepne please help me. sheeps: Firstly, delay the wedding until ALL of your doubts are resolved.
Secondly, you have to reconcile actions against words.
I'm sorry for you; I understand the pain of emotional infidelity. You need to concentrate on what is true and best for you, not just what your emotions may compel you to do.
Stick around...you'll get lot's more advice and many opinions. Some may be a bit sarcastic or some may be quite reactionary, as many others here have been treated in the same way as you. Read the responses and choose your own path about what is right.
Best of luck to you, and Welcome to Ojar.
sheeps
Re: Somepne please help me. icwtsmnl: [quote author=extremelyconfused link=topic=38035.msg411181#msg411181 date=1164765756">
is this a sign of a man who will never keep his vows? what do I say to him when he calls me? do i confront him?
[/quote">
this situation is awful. i'm sorry to hear your'e going through this. there are no easy answers through any of it. as for your quote above, i'm afraid to say that, yeah, i think that is a sign of someone who will seriously hurt you in the future. being married isn't going to change him. apparently he is someone who does whatever he wants and just hopes he doesn't get caught.
do you confront him? absolutely. you couldn't possibly live with that knowledge and fear and NOT confront him. its important. no one can tell you whether to end your engagement or not (and he's probably say it w as harmless and that he was never really going to meet her anyway, and it will be different when we're married....etc."), but you have to decide for yourself if you think you can live in a marriage that may be unfaithful, or at the very least, constantly filled with questions, suspicion and mistrust.
Talk to him as soon as you can. I know you feel miserable and nauseous now. hang in there. come vent here as often as possible.
Re: Somepne please help me. extremelyconfused: I guess I just don't understand. I am a good person. My whole life, my work..revolves aroudn helping others and being an example to people. This is embarassing. My parents.. his parents.. have spent so much time and money on our wedding day being so beautiful and wonderful and yet to go on with it I feel like I would be living a lie. Is this an addiction? Our romantic life is amazing. Our love life, I thought, was amazing. I don't get how anyoe could hurt the one they love. Though, he has not acted on his little "text affair"..I wonder if he would. I am nautious, aching.. my heart has dropped out of my cheast. I'm a good person. I do all the right things. We had a love I thought could never be broken.. yet I sit here.. writing you... in turmoil.. with my heart sunken and I can't understang why this is happening to me.
Re: Somepne please help me. sheeps: Understanding this is much less important and so much more difficult than it seems. Acceptance is key. It has been happening.
You mustn't let minor issues like the expectations of your or his parents creep into your thinking. This is a huge issue of trust, fidelity, and intimacy between you and your betrothed.
I'll also tell you that his actions, whatever they have been, are not about you or because of you. His actions are his own; he has his own reasons. You may understand them, even he may try to "blame" you, don't accept it.
You are just beginning what is going to be a long and painful journey. It may end well for you. It really may. But right now you are in agony, and perhaps a bit of denial. You want there to be a simple explanation for all of what you're feeling.
I'd like to remind you of something from my earlier post:
Reconcile his actions with his words. Remember: ACTIONS SCREAM. Many people say one thing, yet do another. Don't deny the evidence before you, don't try to minimize it or justify it simply because it is so painful to you.
Your emotional well-being is like your physical well-being: when you hold your hand over a flame, you are compelled to pull it back because it will harm you. The same holds true here, but our emotions(heart) override our instincts for self preservation.
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