I don't know what to do- crushedman: I've been pretty silent about my situation for some time. I really need some advice.
Bried recap-
July of this year, after many ups and downs, it seemed like things were moving forward between us. We were planning on getting married and moving in together at the end of the summer. We even started looking for an apartment. Then, she told me she wasn't ready to move in with me yet. I was upset because she lives at her xbfs house, who happens to be in jail (a whole other story).
So I told her that she either moves in with me or we are breaking up. She tells me we are breaking up.
Two days later she starts seeing another guy... a guy that she had cheated on me with (just a kiss). I freaked out and wanted her back.She tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she wants to see him. bla bla bla. I knew at the time that it wouldn't work out between them, and she would eventually be back.
It lasted a little over a month. She found out he was seeing someone else and he kicked HER out of her house at 1:30am after they had sex. Sure enough, we started seeing one another again. We started having problems right away. She was not remorseful about hurting me. She did not seem to care that I was hurting. From her perspective, I had cheated on her and lied to her in the past and that was reason enough to choose the other guy. I didn't and don't see it that way at all. First of all, she specifically told me she was not interested in this guy and would NOT date him. She lied about seeing him, lied about having sex with him, made a fool out of me in every way imaginable. Also, she cheated on me first (in her mind there are rationalizations for this, too). Bottom line- I'm not trying to keep score, but what she did to me was wrong. The month of August was absolutely the worst month of my life.
We started to get in horrible fights. Her defending her actions, me getting angry that she was defending and indefensible position, her getting angrier with me, etc etc ad nauseum. Her logic concerning the reasons behind her decisions is laughable, but there is no convincing her out of her viewpoints- no matter the evidence. This led to much anger and resentment on my part. I started to pound her for info on the sex, the relationship, the conversations they had, EVERYTHING. I'll admit I was a real jerk but I felt completely justified in doing so.
So we broke up, or rather, she broke it off because she couldn't take it anymore. But we agreed to work on being friends and forego seeing other people for a time. On Thanksgiving, we had an argument in the morning as I pried her for sex information. I was supposed to attend Thanksgiving dinner over her fathers, and I assumed and/or hoped the argument wouldn't effect our plans. So I rushed home and waited for her call. Which never came- I waited for 7 hours. I was completely infuriated and hurt. When I spoke with her we argued and finally I told her how hurt I was that she blew me off. Her reply- "I don't know what to tell you."
Unfortunately I then started drinking and eventually called the xGF up that I cheated on her with. We had sex for about 30 seconds and I realized the mistake and basically kicked her out of the house.
To make a long story short, she is devistated and angry with me. After changing her email address so I can't contact her and claiming to change her phone number, she called be bawling. She told me she told her mother 2 weeks ago that she would marry me (what?- if you wanted to marry me why would you dump me for a stranger?). Of course I feel terrible. But from her perspective is that I am 100% in the wrong. I was trying to forgive her, why can't I get forgiveness?
For some reason, she doesn't believe she needs forgiveness. It makes no sense, but in her world this is the way it is. I don't believe she is intentionally trying to hurt me, but she is unable to face reality.
That being said, I know I made a terrible mistake and I feel awful about it. She says there is no fixing this-- the tone of her voice tells a different tale.
Counseling? Move on? Take 100% of the blame? Take 0% of the blame. I just don't know.
I might add that since we've been back together, I've lied to her several times and I now realize how wrong that was. My rationalization was that the truth wasn't able to keep her so I might as well lie to make myself appear better than I am.
cm
If this post doesn't make any sense it's because I have hardly slept in 2 days. I'm very upset and not thinkign clearly.
Re: I don't know what to do- Spike: Just move on man!!! Work on some of your own flaws and move on. She obviously has issues, too many to be in a relationship. You have a few too, that you can use this time in between to work on. Blame is an interesting thing, the saying there are three sides to every story holds true. Yours, hers, and somewhere in the middle, the actual story. Don't blame yourself, take responsiblity for your part of the demise, and work on those things. You will end up a better partner for the next lady.
Re: I don't know what to do- big_daddy: I'm with Spikers on this one CM.
It's time to move on bud. It's time to take care of you and what you need.
The foundation of the relationship has a serious flaw, it isn't something I think either of you can successfully build a future on at this point.
Re: I don't know what to do- MEP2006: Holy shite. Our stories are so similar, it's scary. Right down to the part where I'm 100% guilty of the breakdown of the relationship (even the part where he cheated and lied, because he had to protect himself because he was afraid I'd hurt him.) Mine is completely done now, and it's sad, but I have to say, there's a significant amount of relief in this as well. It's over and I have to move on and start building a life I can live in without drama or pain or stress or constant tension. I hope that you can get there as well.
Re: I don't know what to do- katelyn: It sounds like you guys have a LOT of baggage from before - and it's effecting the success of the relationship now. It becomes a cycle, doesn't it? A cycle of hurt and revenge. If you really want this relationship to work - STOP the cycle. Forgive her, and no matter how she acts out (from past pain) DONT retaliate. She is not there for you to support you getting past your pain either - so get over it on your own.
It's not fair, is it? But it would spin your cycle into another direction. Pretty soon she will return the grace you show her. The end result is what matters, not what is 'fair'. You're both trying to white knuckle each other into healing each other's hurt. Stop. In a perfect world you would both nurture each other's pain. But it's not a perfect world and sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Give up your "rights", forgive her, get past your own pain and do what's best for the relationship. It'll take awhile.. for me it took 2 yrs of doing the right thing before it started paying off.
Either that or end it for good and never look back. Start fresh with someone new, after you've resolved your pain. Neither option is wrong, it just depends on what you want.
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