November... lonewolf: Well it's come and gone.
November, november, the everlasting ember, forever the month of "what if's".
Tomorrow marks the first of December, meaning forever, that November 2006 is over.
This was THE month. I was going to ask your mother permission, then set out to buy our engagement ring, and then propose to you at sunset in the back of a rented yacht at sunset in the harbour.
Yes, i had it all planned out.
It's funny how plans work out isn't it? I had planned a future for us. But you were planning a future without me.
As november comes to a close i realise i have grown so much, without you. I'm learning to like myself and maybe even, *gulp*, one day love myself. I'm moving ahead, planning my future without you. Without anyone, actually. I'm living now for me, nobody else. Looking at purchasing my own car. Looking to buy a house for myself. Doing things by me, for me.
A far cry from the person i was 2 months ago wasn't it? I was always looking towards you for advice, i wouldn't make one move without your consideration... but now i have no choice. There's a kind of bittersweet satisfaction to it. But i can't decide whether it s sad or happy.
You called me again today. You made another promise to me that you failed to keep. Why doesn't that surprise me? You said you'll call me again at 5:30. As stupid as it is and i know i shouldn't wait for you, since you're the one who left me, but i sheepishly waited. I held off my plans and waited for your phone call.
It never came.
It's another unfulfilled promise you've made to me. one of many. I know i should be doing better than that. I know i should take what you say with a grain of salt.
I guess having hope is only a fools' hope. After all, you don't love anymore. That is what you said to me, right? I shouldn't hang on, i know, but it's hard letting go when i'm still in love with you. And i know i always will, forever, i know you will always be in my heart.
I'm scared actually, now that November is gone. The month that was supposed to tell us what our future will be. And it didn't dissapoint did it? IT told us our future. We are now seperated, which will probably forever. You want me to remain your 'best friend'. But you don't even make the effort to contact me.
November, november, the everlasting ember, forever the moth of what if's.
That's what November will mean to me now. Whether i end up with somebody else, or die alone in my death bed. November will be a part of me now, forever.
And after November? Beside having Christ's birthday, there is another significant date: My birthday. I was born 3:30 am into this world. And since i've met you, you would always call me at 3:30 am every 11th of december to remind me i was born into this world at this exact time.
It hurts to think i won't be recieving the call this year. But i have to accept it. There is no other choice. As i've come to learn since you left me, all we can do is move forward. We can never go back, both literally and figuratively, so forward i shall march.
I will love you. I will always love you. You'll forever be my angel, the girl i grew up with and watched transform from an innocent, sweet teenage girl into an ambitious, powerful, strong career woman. I will keep you on that pedestal that i've always placed you on.
But don't expect me to be worshipping there anymore. I will be somewhere else, where i am alone, searching for 'me'. I can always go back to my pedestal of you, to remind me of the incredible time we shared as lovers and for a short time, an 'almost' husband and wife. I can look back on my past, and how, through my mistakes, you've shaped me into a better person that i am today.
So goodbye, November, and goodbye, Natalia. Both of you are now my "What if's". Both of you will always be with me, in my thoughts, in my heart and in my prayers. And when the day comes for me to depart this world, i will look back to November 2006, imagine what could've been, imagine what it was like to walk down that church aisle with you, Nat, the love of my life. Imagine what building a life would've been with you. Imagine what our children would've looked like.
You've made me a happy man. I hope you know that. I may not be happy now, but i was. The 7 years i spent with you were the best of my life. I know i'm still young, but i'm old enough to know i will never share those moments with anybody else. The define me. They made me the man i am today.
I miss you. I love you.
But it has to be this: i missed you. I loved you. Goodbye, my best friend. Goodbye, the love of my life. Goodbye, my soulmate.
Your chapter in my book of life has finished. And it hurts, it hurst so much. Goodbye, November. You were to bring us into the eternal bond of husband and wife, which unfortunately never happened.
This is it. This is acceptance.
Goodbye, my angel, the love of my life. :'(
Re: November... freakshow: Now I am crying too. that was beautiful. Good luck to you and I hope you find comfort and warmth from within to heal you. You seem very strong by your words and have inspired me to work on acceptance. Thank you.
Re: November... MEP2006: Sobbing here, too.
God, the end of love is so sad. There's nothing in the world that touches it.
You are an incredible man, lonewolf. I hope life rewards you with every blessing and hope.
Re: November... lonewolf: I just want to thank those who took timeout to read this long letter or mine. To those who replied; FS and BetterThanThis, i'm sure your futures still contain the best of times for you.
Thank you for taking some time out to read my rant. Not bad for a bloke on his 14th shot of Jim Beam huh?
I'm hurting so much.
Re: November... MEP2006: I understand. :(
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