Advice needed...should I just let it go ? NoEscape: OK guys heres the scoop. Some of you know my story some dont...
Here it is in a nutshell. Wife and I early to mid 30's...together 10 years/maried for 5. We have a 3 year old. Wife had EA with some kissing 2 years ago...I found out--we reconciled. Same thing has happened again. We are *trying* to reconcile. Wife HAS to go on business trip for job with OM...we need her job financially. Its a one day trip--and there is usually 5-6 of them per year. I told her to find a new job or we could wind up getting a divorce over this(very hard though...she is in a unique field with little opportiunity). I dont trust her totally and dont have reason to IMHO. Not yet at least...we are both in counseling. She has tried very hard to reconcile with me...has done all the right things, etc. I HATE to be a controlling person...but this is very hard to deal with....I am debating with the idea of divorce...spoke with an atty but I dont really want that but I cant seem to overcome my mistrust or jealousy right now. I've toyed with the idea of starting my own affair...although I know deep down that would be a dumb move. I dunno....not sure what to do here.
Re: Advice needed...should I just let it go ? carpemomento: Um...
Couple thoughts come to mind.
I don't think changing jobs is going to help because if it is not this business trip with this job, it might be that business trip with that job. I don't think you can tell her to get a new job either....that is a threat and controlling and I am sure she didn't take it well.
Regarding your statements that she "...has done all the right things...."
This is confusing....if you don't trust her totally and yet she done all the right things then I think your best course of action is talk to a therapist about yourself and possible insecurities. If you feel that you are fairly secure then I would suggest that she hasn't done all the right things, and maybe has only done "just enough" things.
Don't have your own affair.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you can pull through this.
Re: Advice needed...should I just let it go ? chaos40: Hate to say this but, there is a very very very good chance she will sleep with him on this trip. This is why I would not try and reconcile. You are always going to feel this way if you stay with her. Once the trust is broken it doesn't come back. Sorry that I am always so negative about these things but I have learned the hard way that once this type of thing happens it will always continue. Move on
Re: Advice needed...should I just let it go ? lnlsban: I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you really want to work on the marriage, so keep up with the counseling. Talk to your counselor about your feelings. Absolutely do not have an affair, it will only make things 10 times worse for you.
I wished I would have gotten my STBX into marriage counseling after the second or third affair. Now after the fourth and possible fifth, I was left with no choice but to push for the divorce.
Good luck, I know it is hard I was there 6 years ago.
Re: Advice needed...should I just let it go ? abandoned1: Seems like the trust is gone to me, and once the trust is gone - what's left? You don't want to be controlling - but you will have controlling tendencies from here on out because you're insecure (with justification) in your marriage. Switching jobs doesn't mean the affair will end. If they want to continue they will, somehow, someway. She has a history (albeit brief) of cheating (kissing the guy 2 years ago, and her current affair). Don't ignore the signs. You might try counseling - but in my opinion, it's time to prepare for divorce.
I think you did a good thing in consulting with an attorney. Prepare yourself to deal with what will quickly become all business. Prepare to set you emotions aside, and protect your assets and future - which is one of the biggest reasons to not have an affair - you have leverage now, don't give it up. I'm not necessarily saying don't try to repair the marriage - just have a contingency plan that's in your best interests.
