My Story, sorry if it doesn't make much sense...(edited) mel2006: Well, to start I need to give a little history. I'm almost 25, husband almost 27. Been married 3 years last month, together 7 this February. November of 05, I moved out. It had been a very rough year, and neither one of us were willing to put in the work to get past it. After that, I went CRAZY. I was drinking all the time, sleeping around, it was horrible, and probably the darkest hour of my life. After being separated for 5 months, we decided to give it another go. That was April 06. Fast foward to November 06. We had hit our bumps here and there, but were in therapy and I had just moved back in. In Oct though, I had felt like something was going on, and just found clues here and there that I couldn't shake off. SO, I found a number in his phone, and decided to call it. Turns out, he had had an affair with the woman that picked up the line. When I had originally asked him about the number, he said that he had been texting another woman, and had THOUGHT about seeing her, but had called it off at the last minute. I didn't buy it, which is why I called her and had all my greatest fears confirmed. I love him sooo much though, and really want to try to work it out. But I'm torn. I had JUST moved back in. We were in THERAPY. I thought we were doing ok, and then BAM, apparently not. And the kicker is he drove all the way to NY from NC to carry this out. It's not even like he got drunk one night and went home with someone. That wouldn't make it better, but this was a well thought out and carried through plan. But at the same time I'm wondering if this is Karma. While we were seperated, I did a horrible thing. I slept with the ex of an aquaintance, who eventually became a best friend. Our friendship has dwindled to nothing these past few weeks, but yesterday, she found out about the fact that I slept with her ex. When it happened I barely knew her, and had only met her once. So now I'm avoiding her altogether because I don't even know how to apologize for never telling her. And then to top EVERYTHING off, I was laid off yesterday morning. So today I'm wondering is this all Karma? Did I get cheated on because of the awful thing I did and never told her, and let her become my friend anyway? Because I've been the best wife I know how to be. I seriously feel like this is all some sort of punishment. And I'm scared about the prospect of working this out with my husband. Is the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" true?? God help me, I want to curl up in a hole and sleep this all away.(edit in comment below)
Re: My Story, sorry if it doesn't make much sense... superwife: Welcome to ojar :)
You sound like you're in a bit of a mess.
First, why did you decide to give it another shot? Whose idea was that?
Does your husband know what you did when you were separated?
He admitted to cheating on you? Does he seem the least bit remorseful?
Honestly, even though you were 'on a break' (to quote Ross from Friends :D), yes you did cheat. If you really thought there was any chance of reconciliation (and hinsight being 20/20, of course), then yeah, that wasn't such a great idea.
However.... he did this to you while you were trying to reconcile. I think there's your answer. You were in therapy, and trying to work it out. It sounds like only one of you was trying to work it out. And it's not gonna happen if only one party is working on it.
Once a cheat always a cheat?? Karma?? Ahh...these topics (and many others) are constantly being debated here. I don't believe the first one, but I do kind of believe the second one. While we all make mistakes, I believe we do, at some point, pay for them. And we come out of it being a better person and learning a valuable lesson. If this is your Karma, be thankful it came so quicly. Mine took about 10 yrs to catch up with me...
As far as your friend, that's a tough one. Was he her ex at the time? If he was, than that should not have been a huge deal to tell her (again, hindsight :D). If you really value her friendship, you need to suck it up and tell her. She will likely be pissed for a while, but if she values your friendship, then in time, it will all come together.
Re: My Story, sorry if it doesn't make much sense... mel2006: Ha, warned you it might not make any sense. Yes, my husband knows everything about what happened while we were separated. He started dating our neighbor actually very shortly after I moved out. And we had both come to an agreement that that was ok, us both doing our own thing, when deep down neither one of us really wanted to be apart. My situation is very dramatic, and downright exhausting if you want to know the truth. He didn't admit to cheating at first. After I spoke to the other woman, he still denied it, saying she was crazy and a liar. So I called her again, and this time she gave me very specific details about my husband. When we sat down to talk after that, he finally broke down and admitted it, but really, what other choice did he have? As for when we got back together earlier this year, well, I initiated the conversation, but it was a joint decision.
Yes, the guy was my friends ex at the time. And at the time that he and I slept together, she and I weren't even friends. We had met once and maybe spoken three times. I didn't even think at the time that she and I would ever become friends. The even MORE mess of it is that I found out that they were still sleeping together while he and I were fooling around. He is seriously a piece of work, and it makes me feel stupid that I allowed myself to be sucked into his web of deciept. I am a FIRM believer in Karma, and if my husband cheating on me is Karmas way of kicking me in the butt for sleeping with my friends ex, then so be it. Our friendship has become toxic here lately anyway, for the both of us, and I knew it was only a matter of time. It does make me sad that this is the way our friendship has ended though, and living in a small town does not help matters. And yes, hindsight is 20/20. I wish I would have told her months ago. We may have never become friends, but at the same time, it wouldn't have looked the way it does now,... namely like I'm an inconsiderate whore.
Back to my cheating husband, I love him so much, I really do. And for some reason I really want to believe him when he says that THIS TIME really will be different. I've moved back in with my mom, and am going back to school in January. I haven't taken my ring off, and I have NO interest in the opposite sex other than my husband. My question I suppose is, has anyone who read this ever heard of a marriage actually working out after an affair? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ANYTHING. I don't want to deal with any of this. I feel like an 8 year old hiding behind something because theyre scared.
