Should I Take Him Back? kiki: I broke it off with my partner because for several months I had felt like the love had been completely drained from our relationship - he was never excited to see me, he put everyone else ahead of me, he wouldnt leave the house, he hardly talked to me, and he was demeaning, etc. Since the break-up, our relationship has been full of ups and downs - one minute he wanted nothing to do wiith me, the next he was begging to see me - it seemed like I kept coming back for punishment. As a result, I was very unhappy for several months.
I finally walked away a few months ago, leaving the country to go stay with my parents. After hearing absolutely nothing from him for a few weeks, I get a tearful phonecall begging me to hear him out. This of course, made me extremely upset and frustrated. He told me that he realized that he has been depressed for over a year - something I do believe - and that me leaving finally knocked him out of it. He is seeking counseilling and visiting a doctor as clinical depression runs in his family. He says that he loves me and will do whatever it takes for me to take him back. I believe what he says is genuine, because I thought that he was depressed when I was with him, but was unable to help. In fact, I was one of the only people that stuck by him, with many of his friends abandoning him.
He deeply acknowledges everything he has done wrong and he now has the charisma and love for life that initially attracted me to him, but disappeared while we were dating. He knows that he will have to work extremely hard to regain my trust and prove that he is worthy of me and will be there for me as I was for him. We have talked about the relationship and agree that if we were to try again that we would have to start again from the beginning.
I care about him a lot, but I felt such relief when I left and I finally feel like I can move on. However, I miss him a lot and I want to give it another shot. I am very scared of getting hurt again and everyone I talk to is telling me to walk away.
Re: Should I Take Him Back? NoEscape: I think you should take him back. It sounds like he has laid the cards on the table for you and I think he would love and appreciate another chance. Everyone makes mistakes...even if they are for a full year. :) Depression can make a normal person exhibit behavior they wouldnt normally...so perhaps its not the person you no longer love...but his condition when he was depressed.
Re: Should I Take Him Back? MEP2006: I was in exactly the same position once. My ex promised me everything -- EVERYTHING -- and I was wary, so I told him to work on it for 2 months and if at teh end of that period, he felt he could still be the man he thought he had become, we'd get married. He lasted 1 month and 3 weeks before flipping out and getting back together with the girl he had originally left me for. The thing I regret most is believing him... even when I told him I thought he was just missing me and lonely, he insisted. I felt totally duped and now I'm supremely humiliated.
Re: Should I Take Him Back? kiki: Yeah, I was thinking of that tactic. I've been invited to go study overseas for a few months. Yeah, its a bit more than 2 months, but I figure if he still wants to be with me after all of that than its worth it.
Re: Should I Take Him Back? marfanoidus: Here's a voice from the other side.
Depression has stolen so many moments of my life, and what is worse is that is has stolen many moments from the lives of those close to me. It has robbed me of years.
Not only did I have depression, I was also taught growing up to approach relationships in a way that can be summed up as "easy come, easy go".
About a year ago, I was around a year into a relationship with an awesome woman. She, too, for no just cause was also a victim of my depression.
I could go on and on and on about times of my life lost to the illness, and the list is too long of people also affected by it.
Well, enough of the gloom. I went to counseling and learned about cognitive distortions. Google it, and if you're around a depressed individual, odds are extrememly good that you will immediately recognize some of the CD attributes.
And guess what? It was just about awareness. Once I became aware of the fact that feelings follow thoughts, I began to control my thoughts better - to be more positive, realistic, and not as distorted in a negative bend. That in turn caused my feelings to immediately begin to improve.
And that improvement is not a light switch. It is a process of learning how things went under your radar, which is kind of unsettling, because once you realize that things did indeed go under your radar and came back to bite you, the first response is "Well..... what else might be going under my radar?"
Am I suggesting you take him back or walk away? Nope. But if you really feel like he, deep down and genuinely, is a potential partner for you, then I am asking you consider giving this some time.
In depression, I walked away from a woman who was so incredibly good for me that I can't explain it. When the cloud began to blow away, she was the first one I wanted to be with.
What I'm saying is that if there is the possibility that he was truly going through depression, and if you feel like there is a potential long term relationship with him, and if he proactively approaches depression as an enemy that he can defeat (this is critical, because there is only one alternative) - then there might be something great you're walking away from.
I would suggest one thing: don't just say "no". Even if you're heart says so. If you do decide to not pursue the relationship with him, please find the most uplifting and positive way to break it to him. If his depression was anyting like mine, hearing "no" would have quickly tailspun me and my progress would have been lost.
good luck to you,
walt
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