Why is this still so hard? flipflopnomore: Why after 5 1/2 months of all of this nightmare since you left am I still hurting as much as day 1? Why is it that you still affect me and manipulate me? When does it stop?
You left 5 1/2 months ago. You!!! The drug addict, the depressed person, the angry person, the recluse, the one who put his kids and his dysfunctional family and ex wife way before me. You left me because I was nagging you about the pills and how I felt alone and needed you. YOU RAN!! Why am I still wasting a single tear or a single thought on you and what you are doing now?
You are not doing better. Your kids still don't want to be with you, but you blamed me for that. See, it wasn't me. Your broke. You drink every day now. Is that happiness? I have so much more going for me now. Why do I still miss your sorry ass?
Do you know how it makes me feel to hear you were drunk at the local club last weekend? To hear that you were nasty dancing with some girl and flirting with more? Did you not think it would get back to me? How hurtful are you? Earlier that day you were trying to contact me to probably sleep with you. I finally manage to blow you off and so you go to the bar and make an ass of yourself and disrespect me and our marriage? You are always so worried I was going there when I wasn't, but then look who goes? Here it is Friday night again. I know you have your work xmas party tonight and I am in total fear you will end up at the club again.
Why was I never enough? I stood on my head to make you happy. I loaned you money, I took care of your thankless kids that knew you would always believe them over me, I put up with your bitch of an exwife that used me as an oncall babysitter.
Why do you come around every week or so and have sex with me? Is there any love left? You say you love and miss me, want your marriage and then the next day I get the predicted text that you are not ready for this...I am sick of being used!!! I am your wife, not your booty call. Now I live in fear that if I turn you down you will just hit the bar and find a replacement. I am better than that. Why can't I just let you go?
I took my vows seriously. Why did you even get married in the first place? I am not your girlfriend, I am your wife. You decided with very little effort that this wasn't for you and ran away. You are not a man, you are a selfish coward!!
Re: Why is this still so hard? flipflopnomore: I still need to vent. Having a hard day.
Here it is the weekend again. Last night was your xmas party and I never got a late night drunk call. Some would call that a good thing, but it makes me worry. You must have been having a great time with someone else because you usually call me.
I guess you are really moving on. The past few weeks you have put more and more distance between us. It is becoming more apparent that you are less confused like you said you were. Why do you tell me that you need time to heal? Is that bullsh**? Are you just stringing me along? And time to heal for what? You are the one who made life miserable for us, walked out and YOU need to heal? I think I should be the unforgiving one. But once again, its just another one of your excuses.
We have 3 more months until our divorce is final. How sad am I. I was in Vegas earlier this week and opened the curtains of my room and right smack across the street is the hotel where we got married. I felt like I got kicked in the gut. How could we have so much happiness and hope for our family and kids just to have you decide it wasn't for you? You selfish son of a bi***. I should hate you with a passion for what you have put us thru. Why don't I? Am I that pathetic to think I cannot get anyone better than a guy who is a drug addict, alcoholic, user like you? I guess I am lonely. I don't have any single friends like you do to take me out and I sit home night after night. But you know that. Everytime you call, I am here.
How do I get over this? I want to move on without you and not care anymore. I don't want to sit here and think about you 24/7 hoping you will call or want me. You have destroyed me and my kids. I hate you. I hate you for what you have done. I will never be the same. I will never trust anyone again. Why do I still want your pathetic self? You have hurt me and my kids.
I hope you are miserable in your new drunk life. I don't want you to be happy. I want you as miserable as you have made me. I am sorry, I know that is mean and unhealthy, but you deserve every bad thing that happens and I hope I am there to watch.
