Re: I don't want to try, he does... redfirebunny: I have supported him for our entire marriage. I have put him through school for 3 seperate career choices. I take care of my children, the house, the finances. I am exhausted. I have only stayed this long so that he can complete this latest schooling choice so that he will be able to support himself. I have also stayed this long so that I dont remove him from the children's daily lives.
I was going to move out. In speaking with my mother, she told me that the children shouldn't be moved so I should ask him to move out. I would like to move out in a heartbeat and still may.
I hope that answers some of the questions. In reading other posts I did see that this site wasn't recommended for leavers. Its too bad, we need advice too.
Re: I don't want to try, he does... tryingtosmile: Hi redfirebunny,
It's true that there are more "leavees" than "leavers" on this board, but you can still get some great advice here! It helps both the leavees and leavers to hear the perspective from "the other side" too. Here is my advice to you, for what is it worth. If you feel this strongly about leaving your marriage and you have already left in your mind, then I think the best thing for you to do would be to leave. If your husband refuses to move out (which I can understand, since he doesn't want this separation), then you will have to take matters into your own hands. You mentioned that your mother said the children shouldn't be moved..but how do YOU feel about that? You are the one who is living in the current situation and dealing with the stress, not your mom. Even if it would be better if the kids stayed in their current home, something has to give. You have 3 options:
1. move out and take the children with you
2. file for a legal separation or divorce and try to force your husband to leave
3. stay in the current situation, with all of you living under the same roof
You didn't mention the possibility of your husband staying in the home with the children while you move out..so I don't know if that is an option for you or not. The bottom line is that your children can't be happy if their parents are miserable, so I don't see how staying together just for their sake really improves the situation. If you don't want to try to work on the marriage and you don't want to go to counseling, then it would be best for everyone if you do leave. Your husband will need time to do his own healing and he isn't going to heal if you continue to stay in a marriage that is dead in your eyes and heart. I wish you the courage to make the right decision for yourself and also for your family.
Re: I don't want to try, he does... redfirebunny: Those are my options. I came to the same conclusion. I will not leave my children. I will move with the children when their school year is done as not to distrupt them as much as possible, if he will not move out.
If counselling is what he wants, I will attend. The marriage is dead for me. It took me 3 years to get to the point to ask him to leave.
I have gone through many stages over the past few years, maybe anger is where I am at right now. I don't know why I am angry with him. Maybe its how I am choosing to deal with it, maybe a counsellor can tell me.
Sometimes nice people get divorced too. Just because he doesn't drink, do drugs or beat me doesn't mean its a happy marriage. In fact, I think it almost makes it that more complex.
Re: I don't want to try, he does... crushedman: Red-
You are angry because it's the only way you can find a way to justify your actions- namely, destroying your husband and childrens lives.
Why in the world would you feel justified in removing your children from the marital home? I wonder if this is even legal. If it is, I wish your husband would come on Ojar and I would advise him to do the same exact thing.
I have supported him for our entire marriage. I have put him through school for 3 seperate career choices. I take care of my children, the house, the finances. I am exhausted.
That's it? That's all you got? Based on these (very vague, esoteric) reasons, you are completely done and not willing to honor your commitment to your family. Based on this, you are willing to destroy your husband and childrens lives?
Why would you call yourself a nice person? How can you say you are nice person and concurrently be angry with your husband (and not yourself) for trying to fix your marriage. How sad and pathetic.
cm
Re: I don't want to try, he does... redfirebunny: Maybe I am angry with myself. Maybe that is where the anger comes from. Maybe I am angry that I don't feel like I can make this work. I read on another site that its sort of like grieving, well, that is how I deal.
Yes, that is all I have got. I am miserable and unhappy. I come home, I shut down. Its all I can do to hold a conversation with my husband, help my kids with their homework. Its all I can do not to flinch when its 'sex time'.
I think its unfair to continue living a facade for everyone. When I think about what it will be like if we were separated or divorced, I feel good. I can't apologise for that. I am hoping a separation will prove one way or another to us that I am either making the right decision or making the wrong one. I know that I can't do it with him here, questioning every word I say, how I say, every look I give or don't give. Its like walking on eggshells for me and its hurting him non stop.
I think its awful how hurt everyone seems to be, in my situation and in all of yours. Its not easy on either side. I don't see the point in living a fake empty life anymore.
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