These days stretch on... MEP2006: minute by minute, and then hour by hour, they move, and I have to go with them.
But it's torture. This is Saturday, and you're with your new girlfriend, doing couple-y Christmas things and I'm here, wishing you wanted me more than you want her, and that.
I can reason in my head all the things that make you a bad partner. You weren't faithful. You lied all the time. You blew everything out of proportion and blamed me for every failing in this relationship. But I look back on those things and they seem miniscule from this distance. All I see instead was the companionship, the love, the cuddling on the couch, the baby in the stroller, walking in the rain, making grilled cheese sandwiches, renting movies... the hope of September and the devastation of October. The feeling that somehow, I failed and you left and this is never going to ease up or get better and I'm never going to find someone like you again.
It's enough to make me want to put a gun to my head.
But I keep logic at the forefront. I was fine before you came along. I will be fine again. I like the drama-free living, though I miss your company. I look at the baby and feel relieved that he won't have to grow up watching me cry over you, or learning that a man treats women so disrespectfully...
and I try not to think of you suddenly becoming this awesome, stand-up guy for your new woman (though I suspect that's exactly what's happened) and I try not to think about you finally feeling like you've met someone who will be kind and nice and gentle enough to stick it out with you, no matter what you throw at her. And I try not to think about the ways I was cruel, or mean, or unloving, because they become points of obsession for me (though they were always in response to the horrific things you did, they still don't seem warranted to my adled brain.) And I try not to feel desperate or overcome, because I am a hero in my own life and I have the strength to persevere through the toughest situations.
Still, the days stretch on and I feel like I'm being stretched with them. To my breaking point. God, don't let it get there...
Re: These days stretch on... jadedangel: [quote author=BetterThanThis link=topic=38581.msg419600#msg419600 date=1165725039">
But I keep logic at the forefront. I was fine before you came along. I will be fine again. I like the drama-free living, though I miss your company.
And I try not to feel desperate or overcome, because I am a hero in my own life and I have the strength to persevere through the toughest situations.
[/quote">
[color=navy"> Remind yourself of this daily .... it's one of the few things that will remind you where you are going with your struggle .. Easier said than done, I know this all too well --- but, if you don't look out for you -- and know where you stand ... no one will.[/color">
